Gregory House quotes from House

Dr. House

You want third-world treatment? [Turns up the thermostat] You got it. Boy, is it hot here in Johnny!

Dr. Cameron

What are you doing?

Dr. House

What am I doing? [He knocks Sebastian's things onto the floor] Putting everything on the floor of the hut. Uh oh, wicked magic box with the moving pictures!

Dr. Cameron

You think he's a hypocrite?

Dr. House

[Unplugging the TV] Hypocrite? No, everybody in Africa's got cell phones or running water. [He has dropped Sebastian's cell phone in the toilet] Ha! This thing just will not flush.

Do you really think that if you come in here and make it a little hot, make it smell a little, that I'm just going to fold and abandon everything that matters to me?

Dr. House

[Wiping his cane on Sebastian's blanket] Lousy sanitation over there, too. You are not the same as them; your life is not the same. And you are cheapening everything they're going through by pretending you are.

Dr. Wilson

We're discussing your new patient.

Dr. House

Must be a boring discussion, considering that I haven't accepted a new patient.

Dr. Cameron

Why would you need $5,000?

Dr. Chase

Bad night at poker or a great night with a hooker.

Dr. House

Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke.

Dr. Foreman

You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.

Dr. House

Which is why it's going to be so cool when I turn out to be right.

Dr. Wilson

If you have the money, then why did you need the loan?

Dr. House

I didn't. Just wanted to see if you would give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me forty dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you draw the line.

Dr. Wilson

You're ... you're trying to... objectively measure how much I value our friendship?!

Dr. House

Hey, it's five grand. You've got nothing to be ashamed of.

Last I checked, you still have two legs.

Dr. House

[holds up cane] Actually, three.

You know what your problem is, Greg?

Dr. House

Shifting gears?

You just don't know how lucky you are.

House

This guy doesn't even get sick like a regular person. Instead of a list of symptoms and no cause, we have a list of possible causes for one symptom.

Chase

Is the symptom death?

House

How's your recovery going? Gotten around to the small muscles yet?

Mark

It's not the size of the muscle; it's where you get to put it.

Stacy

My goodness, it's like watching Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward in the third grade.

House

[makes a dramatic gesture with the stirring stick] Go forth and scan his neck.

Chase

His neck?

House

Or repeat everything I say in question form.

House

[sticks the patient in the thigh] You are healed. Rise and walk.

Are you insane?

House

In the Bible, they just say, "Yes, Lord" and then start right on in with the praising.

First you tell me I've got cancer. Then you tell me that my manager... [Jeff realizes he can move his arms] What did you do?

House

No, what did you do, Lord?

Mark

What's going on?

Dr. House

It's not what you think. I know it looks like we're cleaning dishes, but actually, we're having sex.

Dr. Foreman

Have you read his file?

Dr. House

I started, but I found the characters two-dimensional.

Dr. Chase

Pre-World War II fluorescent bulbs contained large amounts of beryllium. Beryllium dust inflames the lungs, they get rigid, patient can't breathe. [Dr. House gives him a questioning look] My father co-authored a paper on acute berylliosis.

Dr. House

Phew! For a moment there I thought you were smart.

Dr. Wilson

So now you've got to drum up another excuse to be around the love of your life. Could hit another patient.

Dr. House

Nah, don't like to repeat myself. People will say I'm formulaic.

Dr. House

She's overreacting.

Dr. Wilson

You snuck into her shrink's office and read her private file. When Nixon did that, he got impeached.

Dr. House

So you're saying I'm not allowed to have oral sex with an intern either?