Alison Kaiser quotes from Greg the Bunny

Dottie

[singing] Hey, Mr. Mailman, what's in your sack?

[singing] Letters for Dottie, letters for Jack. I hand out letters, that's what I do. I hand out letters to you, you and you. I pass out letters from nighttime 'till noon. I make people happy as I yodel a tune. Odelay, odelay-hee-hoo. Odelay, odelay, odelay-hee-hoo. Odelay, odelay-hee-hoo. Odelay, odelay-hey.

Alison

[to Gil] I don't know where this guy came from, but return to sender... 'Cause he's a mailman, and he's... bad.

Uh, Gil, uh, the man is a genius.

Blah

Yes, clearly ahead of his time, blah.

Alison

Yeah, well, if he's ahead of his time, that doesn't do us any good now, does it?

Blah

Yeah, well, he's only about three weeks ahead of his time. So, uh, by the time the show airs, he'll be perfect, blah.

Alison

Ooh, this is really difficult for me to say -- and I'm only saying it because I don't want to see you get hurt. I think Jimmy is flirting with you because he wants to get me jealous.

Oh, please! What would he want with a hairless, two-breasted woman, when he can have all this?

Alison

Are you okay?

Jimmy

Oh, yeah, it's nothing. It's something I got playing rugby.

Alison

You play rugby?

Jimmy

Yeah. Don't let my height or... weight or... build or... delicate features fool you.

Why the hell are you wearing a dress?

Jack

Hmm? Oh, this. Yeah, huh, funny story there. Hank Thompson -- guy at my gun club -- starts shooting way better than he usually does. So I ask him what his secret is. Ladies underpants, he says. It relaxes him, slows his heartbeat, which steadies his aim. So I tried it, and I started shooting a lot better. So I added skirt, wig, makeup, some pumps -- next thing you know, I'm top marksman at my gun club. Oh, and you know what else? Works for bowling, too.

That's weird. They never let me wear my own shoes when I'm bowling.

Gil

Yeah. That's the weird part.

Alison

Jack, the woman from TV Guide is here.

Jack

Oh, no, you're kidding. This is so embarrassing... Look at this place -- it's a mess!

Yes, well, perhaps you'd like to slip into a French maid's outfit and tidy up a bit.

Alison

Laura, have you interviewed Count Blah yet? He is such a talent, and so professional.

Oh, yes, if by professional, you mean stealing his entire act from a Sesame Street character.

Blah

That's a filthy lie! That son-of-a-bitch stole my bit, blah!

Alison

Blah and the--and the Count from Sesame Street have this, like, playful rivalry. I love when you do that. It's totally fake.

Blah

Fake, just like his accent. I'm from Romania. He's from New Jersey. And I'll tell you another thing about him. Yeah, he once showed up in an emergency room with 1, 2, 3 -- 3 gerbils!

Alison

Warren, Warren, we have exactly three hours to plan a surprise party for Jack, okay? Spread the word.

Oh, good God, this isn't going to be like the time you threw me a party and then cleaned out my liquor cabinet, is it?

Alison

That wasn't a party; that was an intervention.

Alison

Oh, hey! Yay! Look who's here! Everybody, this is Laura Carlson from TV Guide.

Jimmy

Oh, wow. I hope she's as easy as their crossword puzzles.

No kidding. I would like to see a magician try to pull me out of her.

Alison

Yeah, the whole angle is going to be how, even behind the scenes, we're one, big, happy family.

Jack

Yeah, right.

Alison

Yeah, right, and if we do this right, we could wind up on the cover, which would do incredible things for me. Us. The show.

This could be perfect. I could plug my CD entitled, "It's Delightful, It's Delicious, It's Demontague."

Alison

As much as I would love you to go plug yourself, Warren, this is not the time.

You know about my movie.

Alison

Your agent called. See you bright and early in the morning, Professor Ape.

I don't think so. Because I quit.

Alison

You can't quit. We treasure you here, Warren. Plus, you're contractually obligated.

Force me to appear, and my performances will be soulless, unimpassioned and sterile.

Gil

Good. So everything's back to normal.

Alison

Yeah, well, I can't act. And I can't sing. I--I tried to write. I-I tried writing a--a script for Full House. It was really, really horrible.

Dottie

Well, that's okay. Most scripts don't get anywhere.

Alison

No, they made it.

Gil

...but Alison at the network just hated your "Trust Song," so she's making me fire you.

What? I put my heart and soul into that song.

Gil

I know. I know, and it shows, it sh--please. And I quote your song, "May my bones be crushed in moldy dust. If you can't trust, you can't trust, you can't tru-uh-ust me" when I say that I loved your song... Now your office has been cleaned out, boxes are already in your car, so off you go.

This sucks. [storms out]

Alison

What was that about?

Gil

Oh, nothing. The writer of "The Trust Song" just quit.

Alison

Oh, really? Oh, I loved that song.

Gil

Hey, we all did.

Jimmy

Charlie Sheen creepy, or Charlie Manson creepy?

Alison

It was, like, your own brand of creepy.

Jimmy

Wait a minute. Don't--don't tell me that you really go for that... big, dumb, good-looking, you know, working-out, hair-brushing, shaving--

Alison

What, have you, like, watched too many sitcoms where the--the quirky underdog who steals the heart of the unattainable woman? This is the real world, my friend.

Alison

You got to admit, Jack. It looks pretty similar.

Jack

Oh, I get it. It's another damn puppet conspiracy, like covering up Oscar's mob ties. Come on. We all know who controls sanitation from Fifth Avenue to Sesame Street.

Alison

See? Anti-puppetism is an extremely sensitive issue, Gil. Especially now during Puppet History Month.

Gil

Is it October already?