Warren Demontague quotes from Greg the Bunny

I look fat. P-h-a-t phat.

I am not fat! I... don't be ridiculous! Of course, I can touch my toes! Here, I will prove it to you.

Uh... um, something ripped. No, I'm not wearing pants! I... Maury... I--I think I just tore myself a new one.

Hey, what do humans see in these things, anyway? If I wanted someone to lick my face and poop on my lawn, I'd get back together with Farrah Fawcett.

Well, you guys cover your asses faster than the new guy in D Block.

And, uh, you know, I wrote a bunch of jokes, but, uh, I'm not, uh... well, the thing is, I, uh, I wasn't there when Rochie died, and I hadn't seen that tape before. And, frankly, it, uh, moved me. I can think of nothing more beautiful than to depart this earth doing what it is that you love. And, in Rochester's case, performing, dancing under those bright lights, a hoofing cowboy dying with his boots on. So I salute you, Rochester, my rival, my friend, for going out in a grand, theatrical style. And I tip my hat to Greg. Son, you cared enough to give Rochester the greatest gift that a man can receive. A smile to shape his very last breath. So, to Rochester.

Of course. Of course. Well, let her know that I would be willing to do a monologue on the show tomorrow. Perhaps Claudius' angst over the murder of his brother might be fun for the kiddies.

Yeah, well, I dancered and prancered that vixen, and, man, was I blitzened. Ah, what do ya know. The well's not dry after all.

Sorry. It's just that, I mean, I--I love you! I--I've seen everything you've ever done! "Godspell," um, "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat"...

Yes, well, if it was lame and about Jesus, I was there.

Gil

Yes, Warren. Uh, we're having a little casting session in here. We're, uh, thinking of making a small cast change.

You spotty bastard! I give you the best years of my life, and this is how you repay me? Well, the joke's on you, you godless bloodsucker! I am an actor. Hmm-mm. Yes, I have range. And I don't need your insipid, little morbid show!

Gil

I just want you to read with the other actors, Warren. We're replacing Rochester.

Oh. Well, apparently, you do read the suggestion box.

Dottie

You think I'm fat.

Blah

No, that's--that's Warren.

Would you like a fistful of gold, Liberace?

Blah

Oh, Liberace. Tough talk coming from Notorious P.I.G.

Why didn't you just call a doctor?

Oh, yes, there's a fine way to make my case with the network. "Oh, I am not overweight, I tell you. And, by the way, here's the bill from when my ass exploded."

Gil

Yeah, well, like I said, it's not my problem.

Dottie

But that's what you do. When we complain, you fix.

Gil

Top four answers on the board. Show me "Not My Problem." Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Yeah, I'd like to change categories, and take "Television's Biggest Jackasses" for $400.

Alison

Jimmy. He's Gil's son. I'm putting him in charge. He's the... P.A.

Wait, I have to listen to the kid who lets my coffee get cold? While you're at it, why don't you make Tardy Turtle the head of the network?

Gil

Ah, network testing. What could be more fun than this? Oh, I know. Who wants to kick me in the face?

Ooh. [Raises hand] Heh heh. Oh, I'm sorry, was that a rhetorical question?

While the paintball is designed to not break the skin, oh, they do break the skin. They cause pain, welts, and -- if'n you're not wearing your goggles -- a little something I call "painteye." I.e., blindness.

Did he just say, "blindness."

Blah

Yeah, blah. He also said, "if'n."