Gil Bender quotes from Greg the Bunny

Gil

Alright, let me tell you something about television. I vouched for him to the network! Okay? I expressed an opinion! That's the kind of thing that ends careers in this business.

Gil

You can't put the future of this show in the hands of a P.A. A P.A. who, by the way, only has the job 'cause I'm trying to give that moron some self confidence.

Gil

Okay, people. Let's set up for the birthday greetings. I've got a network note here. Susie and Kenny are now Shaniqua and Carlos.

Gil

Look who it is. Mr. Brando. Welcome. Okay, you know what, fellas? You got a great appreciation for comedy. I got a joke for you. What do you get when you cross a half-wit bunny with a big disappointment?

Jimmy

What?

Gil

Out. That's what you get. You get out. You're fired.

[singing] Snowball, snowball, what do you do with snowfall? You ball it up, and make it stick, and then you hurl it like a brick. Snowball, you are my best friend. Snowball, your love never ends. Whether you are white or yellow, you are sure my favorite fellow. Snowball, I'm in love with you. Snowball, you complete me. Snowball, you make me rock my world.

Alison

You're right. He's cute. He's quick. He does improv. He's like Robin Williams.

Gil

Yeah. Only not as furry.

Gil

Yes, Warren. Uh, we're having a little casting session in here. We're, uh, thinking of making a small cast change.

You spotty bastard! I give you the best years of my life, and this is how you repay me? Well, the joke's on you, you godless bloodsucker! I am an actor. Hmm-mm. Yes, I have range. And I don't need your insipid, little morbid show!

Gil

I just want you to read with the other actors, Warren. We're replacing Rochester.

Oh. Well, apparently, you do read the suggestion box.

Alison

I know that. I know that. I'm as sentimental as the next person, Gil. Trust me, I'm so sentimental. But his--his fur is thinning, and his ears are drooping, and it's gross. We--we need to find the next Elmo if we're gonna reach a younger audience.

Gil

A younger audience? We already reach 4-year-olds. How young do you wanna go? Fetal?

Gil

Guys, guys, can we just try and get this right, because the new boss from the network is here.

Dottie

Where'd she come from?

Gil

PBS.

Blah

Looks more like PMS, blah.

Gil

The, uh, the line, Rochester, is, "Can static electricity be used to light up a Christmas tree?"

Rochester

Yeah, well, the only thing that's lit up is Warren.

Gil

Alright. Alright. Send your friend in, I'll see what I can do. But, Jimmy, I'm really worried about you, son. You know, I just read this article about children of highly successful fathers. And these kids, they sabotage their own futures, 'cause they can't compete with their father's, you know, brilliant accomplishments.

Jimmy

You babysit actors on some lame kiddie show.

Gil

Yeah, well, like I said, it's not my problem.

Dottie

But that's what you do. When we complain, you fix.

Gil

Top four answers on the board. Show me "Not My Problem." Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Yeah, I'd like to change categories, and take "Television's Biggest Jackasses" for $400.

Gil

Yes, Alison.

Alison

Jimmy just left my office.

Gil

Oh, God. Whatever he did, wherever he touched you, I apologize.

Alison

No, he was telling me his ideas for the show.

Gil

Oy. I apologize for that, too.

Jimmy

See, now this one's the bullet train. So I'm thinkin' silver. I'm thinkin', you know, James Cameron. Like--like, The Matrix.

Gil

Yeah, you're thinking The Matrix, but you're babbling like Rain Man.

Jimmy

Oh, please. The cartoon train station?

Alison

It's true. You know, kids today don't even like trains.

Gil

Everybody likes trains!

Alison

No, Gil, have you been on a train? It's depressing. Nobody wants to spend their vacation staring at poor people's backyards.

Gil

Ah, network testing. What could be more fun than this? Oh, I know. Who wants to kick me in the face?

Ooh. [Raises hand] Heh heh. Oh, I'm sorry, was that a rhetorical question?