Junction Jack Mars quotes from Greg the Bunny

Jack

You know, we were all, uh, shocked when, uh, Rochie had a heart attack. Smart money was on liver failure.

Jack

Well, there's your problem there. In fact, you got two problems. And they're both between his legs.

Blah

Eh, what? They look fine to me, blah. I wish mine looked that healthy. Mine hang so low, I need a cold shower before I can get on an escalator, blah.

Jack

We're going to Greg's place. He needs our help.

Blah

Why, what's wrong, blah?

Jack

There's no time to explain.

Blah

Wait a minute. There's plenty of time to explain, blah. Greg's place is, like, 40 minutes away.

Jack

What do you get when you add two pieces of ice with one piece of ice?

What?

Jack

Threezing. Brrrr!

Jack

I once saw a street puppet in an outfit like that get hit by a car. Flew 30 feet. Looked like a clown shot out of a cannon. Except there was no net, so it was... funny in a different way.

Oh, God. You know something? I wish one of the voices in your head would just tell you to shut the hell up.

Alright, you're all such great actors -- why don't you act like you're putting your weapons down.

Blah

Jack, you were in 'Nam. What do you do when someone points a weapon at you, blah?

Jack

You spend three years in a bamboo cage.

Alright, men, let's get a weapons check.

Jack

I got a wrench.

I got a rope.

Blah

I got a candlestick.

Jimmy

Guys, we're going to beat up Leo, not play Clue.

Jack

[singing] Many things are good to take, like a swim out on the lake.

Blah

[singing] Take a walk or take a hike. Take a ride on your new bike, blah.

Dottie

[singing] Take a train to New Orleans.

Jack

[singing] Take a look at my blue jeans.

[singing] Take my temperature when I'm sickly.

[singing] Relax, this will be over quickly.

Dottie

[singing] But never take what isn't yours in your grubby, little paws.

Jack

[singing] Greg, isn't that what you have done?

[singing] Come on, guys, this isn't fun.

Dottie

[singing] Taking something causing grief.

[singing] Admit it, Greg, you are a thief. Admit it, admit it, admit it, admit it, admit it, admit it...

Why the hell are you wearing a dress?

Jack

Hmm? Oh, this. Yeah, huh, funny story there. Hank Thompson -- guy at my gun club -- starts shooting way better than he usually does. So I ask him what his secret is. Ladies underpants, he says. It relaxes him, slows his heartbeat, which steadies his aim. So I tried it, and I started shooting a lot better. So I added skirt, wig, makeup, some pumps -- next thing you know, I'm top marksman at my gun club. Oh, and you know what else? Works for bowling, too.

That's weird. They never let me wear my own shoes when I'm bowling.

Gil

Yeah. That's the weird part.

Alison

Jack, the woman from TV Guide is here.

Jack

Oh, no, you're kidding. This is so embarrassing... Look at this place -- it's a mess!

Yes, well, perhaps you'd like to slip into a French maid's outfit and tidy up a bit.

Alison

Yeah, the whole angle is going to be how, even behind the scenes, we're one, big, happy family.

Jack

Yeah, right.

Alison

Yeah, right, and if we do this right, we could wind up on the cover, which would do incredible things for me. Us. The show.

This could be perfect. I could plug my CD entitled, "It's Delightful, It's Delicious, It's Demontague."

Alison

As much as I would love you to go plug yourself, Warren, this is not the time.

Gil

Okay, uh, who's the comic genius who took a whiz in Alison's car last night?

Dottie

Oh, my God. That's horrible.

Uh, well, I can't believe it. Who could be so immature?

Jack

Well, at least she has, uh, bucket seats.

Gil

Look, I'm serious. Whoever did this, you're in big trouble.

Blah

You said "urine," blah.

Gil

I'm serious! She's really pissed!

Oh, come on, Blah. You can't leave now.

Blah

No, I gotta get home, and, uh, rehearse my lines for tomorrow, blah.

Jack

We're doing the alphabet.

Blah

Any numbers?

Jack

You know who I heard had to sell his house?

Blah

Who, blah?

Jack

Snuffleupagus.

Snuffy? Come on. He's loaded.

Jack

All went up his nose.

Well, what have you got against puppets?

Jack

You love your momma, Greg?

Uh, you're not gonna hurt her if I say yes, are you?

Alison

You got to admit, Jack. It looks pretty similar.

Jack

Oh, I get it. It's another damn puppet conspiracy, like covering up Oscar's mob ties. Come on. We all know who controls sanitation from Fifth Avenue to Sesame Street.