Mac quotes from Green Wing

Mac

The hunter spots his prey. But there is a problem. The herd of tottie is sticking together, making it hard to target any one individual. [Joanna walks to the bar.] He's in luck. The herd has split, leaving one creature alone—

Joanna

Double vodka.

Mac

—and vulnerable. She's old, and weaker than the rest. This, surely, is his best chance.

Fuck off!

Mac

The hunter will tolerate no interruption to his meticulous preparations. He waits, like a coiled spring, and then... he strikes.

Caroline

Look, we’re all back!

Mac

Yeah, but I don’t really remember who you are?

Well, as long you remember in what order to put the organs back in in.

Mac

What an odd thing to say say. [Mac has a scalpel in his hand, and starts waving it around.] A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.

Caroline

Yeah, I’m actually a little bit worried now.

Mac

Wuss.

Oooh…no! Not like that! Don’t hold it like that. Oh my God, the man’s a butcher. Be careful with that bit, that’s the bit they need to…eat asparagus. They won’t be able to eat asparagus if you cut that bit out.

Five qualities, that’s easy. Number one, bendy.

Mac

Unpredictable.

Number two, shaved.

Mac

Must appreciate the genius of the Kinks.

Number three, slightly anorexic.

Mac

Thoughtful eyes.

Four, about sort of 5% lesbian.

Mac

Should be in touch with her masculine side.

And finally, mustn’t be too smelly in the cellar.

Mac

Compassionate.

[Disgusted] Ugh…So what you’ve come up with is an unpredictable, yet compassionate, slightly masculine, Kinks fan... with eyes?

Mac

I know. It’s an impossible dream.

[to Caroline as they leave] In the cellar. Down below...

Caroline

I’m just saying it’s a male dominated workplace.

Bollocks!

Caroline

I’ve got a few other points you can prove for me if you like.

It’s not male dominated, there are bloody women everywhere.

Mac

Hmm…crunching underfoot everywhere they walk.

Yeah. Have you ever paid for a woman to walk on you? I have. It’s pointless. Really hurts.

Caroline

Wow, it’s like working with Germaine Greer.

Martin

[O. O. V.] Hi Mac.

Mac

OK, that is the worst "going to the toilet" I’ve ever seen.

Martin

Yeah, Guy said he’d be phoning the gays.

Mac

Which gays?

Martin

Well, all of them.

Mac

The thing you have to understand about the gays, is that they're probably more scared of you, than you are of them.

Mac

A sabot, or sa-bot, was a kind of wooden clog worn by impoverished French workers, and as a protest against the Jacquard loom-- which they thought would take away their jobs-- they'd throw their sabots-- or wooden clogs-- into the delicate machinery to destroy its workings, from which we get the modern word sabotage.

Yeah, alright. Now you've harshed my buzz, have you got a point?

Mac

Well, if your plan to move in with Caroline is, in any way, an attempt to sabotage our relationship, I will hit you in the fucking face with a big wooden clog.

Can you get a verruca on your penis?

Caroline

I can’t, can you?

Mac

Never tried, pretty good at most parlour games though.

A friend of mine fell knob first into a foot bath at a swimming pool, he was wondering, that’s all. I’m not interrupting anything am I?

Mac

Just the evolution of mankind.

Mac

I think my son's hair is dyed.

Martin

Oh, right. Well, have you checked to see whether his collar and cuffs match?

Mac

Martin, he's four years old.

Martin

Yeah, I know.

Mac

But if it is dyed, do you see what that means? Do you see what that implies?

Martin

Means he's probably quite vain about his appearance? Oh my God! He's gay!

Mac

All I’m saying is that you’ll never be a one-woman man.

That’s rubbish, I am.

Mac

Are you?

Yeah.

Mac

What about that new blonde girl in ENT, nice or what?

Not interested.

Mac

Not interested?

No. No, I’ve changed.

Mac

Oh great. What about Graham in dermatology

Changed as in, “I think I’m ready for commitment.”

Mac

Fantastic. I’ll sign your commitment papers for you today.

Mac

You look a bit like a fairy.

[Points to Mac and Sue] Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot. That's the introductions out of the way.

Sue

Really? Who's this, then? [Get up off the gurney and talks to the patient] Oh, no, you don't, little lady. Uh-huh. Think we might've met before. Come on, up you pop. Off your trolley!

[Points to Sue and the patient] Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot.