Joanna Clore quotes from Green Wing

Joanna

“Criminals always get caught in the end, don’t you watch TV?”

I need a name for the sample.

Joanna

Er, well, it's for a friend of mine who wishes to remain anonymous. Is that going to cause problems in your weird little technical brain?

No, it's just that usually we've got to go up on the roof and shout, "Pregnancy test results for the stupid lanky old bitch who's not learned to take basic precautions in her forty-odd years on this planet!" You know, assuming that your friend is quite lanky.

Martin

I know you pretend to be ashamed of me.

Joanna

No, it’s quite genuine.

Martin

Well, underneath I know you're got some mother's pride. And I don’t mean the bread.

Joanna

You and me are not an item. Never have been, never will be. What have you got to say to that then, eh?

Alan

I.

Joanna

What?

Alan

"You and I" are not an item, not "you and me."

Joanna

Listen to I. I'm not in a relationship with you no more.

Martin

You let me down. You weren’t there for me, Mum.

Joanna

Shut up! Not here!

Martin

I needed you to make my packed lunches, I needed you to pick me up from swimming and I needed you to make me that Incredible Hulk costume for Halloween.

Joanna

Shut up! Shut up!

Martin

I've got an angry penis!

Mac

The hunter spots his prey. But there is a problem. The herd of tottie is sticking together, making it hard to target any one individual. [Joanna walks to the bar.] He's in luck. The herd has split, leaving one creature alone—

Joanna

Double vodka.

Mac

—and vulnerable. She's old, and weaker than the rest. This, surely, is his best chance.

Fuck off!

Mac

The hunter will tolerate no interruption to his meticulous preparations. He waits, like a coiled spring, and then... he strikes.

Joanna

Right, what have we got? Anything?

Kim

Oh wait, there’s a complaints file.

Joanna

I knew it! [They open the file. A pop-up paper set of flowers comes up from the file. Both scream at the sight.] Oh damn, she’s good.

Joanna

You’ve kept notes! Tell me you haven’t written down what you’ve did to my cousin?

Alan

Not really.

Joanna

“Damaged heron.” Somehow that’s worse.

Alan

Give it here.

Joanna

No, that’s going to the same place as my cousin.

Alan

Oh that’s terrific, where am I supposed to jot down my useful ideas?

Joanna

On your knob end? You wouldn’t need a huge amount of space will you? Oh here’s a useful idea for you, don’t kill dwarfs with herons.

Alan

Let’s have sex.

Joanna

We have to keep away from each other!

Alan

Let’s have sex separately.