Alan Statham quotes from Green Wing

Alan

Precisely. Gamma rays, which produce images of—I'm having a baby—and can be expressed in numerical form. Tiny, pink, little baby. Moving on to diagnostic preferences in, let's say soft-tissue trauma... Who's the daddy? I think you'll find that I am the daddy.

Alan

Sod off, you... you Jezebel whores! Go on, you slutty tarts! Go on, with your slitty, slutty, slitty, slutty slots! Go on, sod off, you're... you're all the bloody same!

Alan

Oh my fucksy, there's a field in the road!

Sue White

Well what can I do for you this time, Dr. Statham?

Alan Statham

I'd like a new badge please.

Sue White

May I ask what happened to the old one?

Alan Statham

I've still got it. I'm afraid to report it's been vandalised by some b-bloody bastards!

Sue White

In what way?

Alan Statham

Rather not talk about it.

Sue White

Well if you don't, I can't order you a new one.

Alan Statham

And where does it say that in the regulations?

Sue White

There. [puts the book down]

Alan Statham

Alright. Umm... someone has used a marker pen to make some alterations. The badge should read: "Dr. Alan Statham", next line: "Consultant Radiologist", and they have blacked out the letters O N S and L T A.

Sue White

I see, so that would in fact leave... [writes on a post-it note] A 'C', a 'U', an 'N'...

Alan Statham

Yes, yes, yes, exactly, yes.

Sue White

...and an-- oh, I see. So, your badge now reads: "Alan Statham, Cu--"

Alan Statham

Yes, thank you, that's what it's been changed to.

Sue White

Again?

Alan Statham

Yes, again.

Sue White

Well, alright, I'll see what I can do. It's going to take a couple of weeks to order a new one, though.

Alan Statham

Well, what--what am I meant to do in the meantime?

Sue White

Well, I suggest you black-out the bits you don't want!

Alan Statham

Well, then right, I will.

Sue White

I'd lose the second line rather than the first.

Alan Statham

What?

Sue White

Just trying to help!

Alan

You’re probably thinking that in some bizarre way that my playing the recorder has caused, erm, an expansion down below.

Boyce

I wasn’t thinking that, but I am now.

Joanna

You and me are not an item. Never have been, never will be. What have you got to say to that then, eh?

Alan

I.

Joanna

What?

Alan

"You and I" are not an item, not "you and me."

Joanna

Listen to I. I'm not in a relationship with you no more.

Boyce

I don't think you understand. That's soldered on. It's never gonna come off.

Alan

Yes, quite. Remarkable—all achieved in apparently under five minutes. [Alan hits Boyce under the chin with the point, knocking off the star and hurting him badly.] Right, moving on to the third upper metatarsal...

Joanna

You’ve kept notes! Tell me you haven’t written down what you’ve did to my cousin?

Alan

Not really.

Joanna

“Damaged heron.” Somehow that’s worse.

Alan

Give it here.

Joanna

No, that’s going to the same place as my cousin.

Alan

Oh that’s terrific, where am I supposed to jot down my useful ideas?

Joanna

On your knob end? You wouldn’t need a huge amount of space will you? Oh here’s a useful idea for you, don’t kill dwarfs with herons.

Alan

Let’s have sex.

Joanna

We have to keep away from each other!

Alan

Let’s have sex separately.