GGuy
Two things women want, ok? Money and protection.
Well, I've got a helmet and a credit card.
All S1
Characters
MacJulian Rhind-Tutt · 25 quotes
Caroline ToddTamsin Greig · 19 quotes
Martin DearKarl Theobald · 11 quotes
Alan StathamMark Heap · 9 quotes
Joanna ClorePippa Haywood · 9 quotes
Sue WhiteMichelle Gomez · 6 quotes
Harriet SchulenburgOlivia Colman · 5 quotes
Karen BallLucinda Raikes · 4 quotes
Kim AlabasterSally Bretton · 4 quotes
Angela HunterSarah Alexander · 3 quotes
BoyceOliver Chris · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Mac & Caroline Todd (9), Mac & Martin Dear (5), Alan Statham & Joanna Clore (3)
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Sorry if I seem a bit stressed out, I didn't sleep very well last night. Although I did have a rather disturbing lesbian dream.
GGuy
Bingo.
Would you like to talk about that, or...?
I don't really remember it.
Make it up?
GGuy
Positions, numbers?
Numbers, positions?
GGuy
Were they shaved?
Yeah, were they shaved?
[sarcastic] Perhaps I could try and have another one tonight, take a few notes, bring them in for you tomorrow.
GGuy
Can you draw?
[Caroline's phone starts ringing in the operating theatre]
GGuy
Your shoes are ringing.
[quietly] It might be a lesbian.
GGuy
Or the mother ship.
Well what can I do for you this time, Dr. Statham?
I'd like a new badge please.
May I ask what happened to the old one?
I've still got it. I'm afraid to report it's been vandalised by some b-bloody bastards!
In what way?
Rather not talk about it.
Well if you don't, I can't order you a new one.
And where does it say that in the regulations?
[Sue picks up a large book from her desk, rapidly thumbs to a random page and points without looking]
There. [puts the book down]
Alright. Umm... someone has used a marker pen to make some alterations. The badge should read: "Dr. Alan Statham", next line: "Consultant Radiologist", and they have blacked out the letters O N S and L T A.
I see, so that would in fact leave... [writes on a post-it note] A 'C', a 'U', an 'N'...
Yes, yes, yes, exactly, yes.
...and an-- oh, I see. So, your badge now reads: "Alan Statham, Cu--"
Yes, thank you, that's what it's been changed to.
Again?
Yes, again.
Well, alright, I'll see what I can do. It's going to take a couple of weeks to order a new one, though.
Well, what--what am I meant to do in the meantime?
Well, I suggest you black-out the bits you don't want!
Well, then right, I will.
I'd lose the second line rather than the first.
What?
Just trying to help!
GGuy
Guy Secretan - it's Swiss.
Ah, cuckoo clocks, no beaches. Theft of Jewish gold after the fall of Nazi Germany. Sorry, I expect everyone says that.
GGuy
No.
Martin, Martin, see this? Is that your - is this your signature?
Yeah, it is, yeah.
Yeah - can't really do smiley faces on death certificates, it does look a little bit insensitive, okay?
GGuy
You... are a gingre.
I am a fraise-blonde.
[on whether things are going well with her "sort-of" boyfriend]
Thing is, he said I had a furry face. That can't be a good thing, can it?
No, I guess not.
[in tears] Damn my furry face!
What can I tell you? A few ground rules - no bombing, no running, no petting, no diving and no inflatables. In fact, probably best to leave all swimming related activities until later - this is, after all, an operating theatre.
GGuy
I can do a surface dive in my pyjamas.
That's probably very handy for a bedwetter.
Stop right there. Come back here.
Stop right there, come back here - which? I'm confused.
[Guy accidentally pushes too much air into a patient's chest during an operation]
GGuy
I thought she was having a nightmare.
She is with you as her bloody anaesthetist.
I'm thinking about getting an Adamantium helmet.
Yeah? That’s the stuff the Wolverine skeleton’s made out of, isn’t it?
Yep. Hardest metal in the world.
Indeed, indeed yeah. Sadly of course, a fictional metal. So that would probably reduce its effectiveness in a crash-style scenario.
Good point. Good point. Still the hardest metal in the world though. [Martin leaves.]
Fictional.
You’re probably thinking that in some bizarre way that my playing the recorder has caused, erm, an expansion down below.
I wasn’t thinking that, but I am now.
[Caroline screams after she fails to light up a cigarette.]
Aarrgh! I want nicotine! Then I’d like to meet a nice man and have a sexually charged, no-speaking affair.
[Sue comforts a crying Guy.]
GGuy
Don’t be nice to me.
Oh, all right, pull yourself together you cretinous fuckwit! What sort of a man hides in other people’s coats, rocking and whinging to themselves? I’ll tell you what sort of a man – a self-centred, egotistical wankpot! Now unhook yourself and stop being so weak. Men don’t cry. They’re strong hunter-gatherers. So go hunt, go gather, go be a total cunt, because that’s what you do best!
GGuy
Fuck you, you ugly bitch! Oh, that feels so much better. Do you fancy a quick fiddle now we're in here?
I am tempted, cos I’m all fired up. But no, thanks, I’d rather lick my own armpit.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Green Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.