Sue WhiteWell what can I do for you this time, Dr. Statham?
I'd like a new badge please.
Sue White
May I ask what happened to the old one?
I've still got it. I'm afraid to report it's been vandalised by some b-bloody bastards!
Sue White
In what way?
Rather not talk about it.
Sue White
Well if you don't, I can't order you a new one.
And where does it say that in the regulations?
[Sue picks up a large book from her desk, rapidly thumbs to a random page and points without looking]
Sue White
There. [puts the book down]
Alright. Umm... someone has used a marker pen to make some alterations. The badge should read: "Dr. Alan Statham", next line: "Consultant Radiologist", and they have blacked out the letters O N S and L T A.
Sue White
I see, so that would in fact leave... [writes on a post-it note] A 'C', a 'U', an 'N'...
Yes, yes, yes, exactly, yes.
Sue White
...and an-- oh, I see. So, your badge now reads: "Alan Statham, Cu--"
Yes, thank you, that's what it's been changed to.
Sue White
Again?
Sue White
Well, alright, I'll see what I can do. It's going to take a couple of weeks to order a new one, though.
Well, what--what am I meant to do in the meantime?
Sue White
Well, I suggest you black-out the bits you don't want!
Well, then right, I will.
Sue White
I'd lose the second line rather than the first.
Sue White
Just trying to help!
[Sue comforts a crying Guy.]
GGuy
Don’t be nice to me.
Sue
Oh, all right, pull yourself together you cretinous fuckwit! What sort of a man hides in other people’s coats, rocking and whinging to themselves? I’ll tell you what sort of a man – a self-centred, egotistical wankpot! Now unhook yourself and stop being so weak. Men don’t cry. They’re strong hunter-gatherers. So go hunt, go gather, go be a total cunt, because that’s what you do best!
GGuy
Fuck you, you ugly bitch! Oh, that feels so much better. Do you fancy a quick fiddle now we're in here?
Sue
I am tempted, cos I’m all fired up. But no, thanks, I’d rather lick my own armpit.
[At an internal tribunal.]
CCharles
Isn’t there something else you’d like to say?
GGuy
Err…I don’t think so?
Sue
What’s the magic word?
CCharles
How do you normally express your gratitude to somebody?
GGuy
You want a tip? Is that ethical?
Sue
Do I look like a mug? Have I got a handle? Am I made of china? Am I kept in a cupboard or on a small wooden tree? Would you like to put your lips on my rim? You may answer that question, the others were rhetorical.
This is the chance of a lifetime. If it doesn’t happen now, it may never happen!
Sue
Are we still on the rim thing?
[Sue is kissing the ventriloquist's dummy.]
Sue
Live, damn you, live!
DDummy
Fuck off! Save yourself for Dr. Macartney.
Sue
Yeah, I know you're right, you're right; but, Mac and Holly...what are we going to do?
Sue
Yes, good, how?
You look a bit like a fairy.
GGuy
[Points to Mac and Sue] Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot. That's the introductions out of the way.
Sue
Really? Who's this, then? [Get up off the gurney and talks to the patient] Oh, no, you don't, little lady. Uh-huh. Think we might've met before. Come on, up you pop. Off your trolley!
GGuy
[Points to Sue and the patient] Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot.
Green Wing · 68 quotes
