Martin Dear quotes from Green Wing

Martin

Hello, Mum, it's me. Martin. Martin Dear. Martin. M-A-R-T-I-N. You know who it is!

Two things women want, ok? Money and protection.

Martin

Well, I've got a helmet and a credit card.

Mac

Martin, Martin, see this? Is that your - is this your signature?

Martin

Yeah, it is, yeah.

Mac

Yeah - can't really do smiley faces on death certificates, it does look a little bit insensitive, okay?

Martin

I'm thinking about getting an Adamantium helmet.

Mac

Yeah? That’s the stuff the Wolverine skeleton’s made out of, isn’t it?

Martin

Yep. Hardest metal in the world.

Mac

Indeed, indeed yeah. Sadly of course, a fictional metal. So that would probably reduce its effectiveness in a crash-style scenario.

Martin

Good point. Good point. Still the hardest metal in the world though. [Martin leaves.]

Mac

Fictional.

Martin, what do you think of when I say the word "Switzerland" to you?

Martin

I don't know, you've never said it to me before.

I'm saying it now. And don't say Phil Collins lives there.

Martin

Does he?

Shut your eyes, think of Switzerland—what do you see?

Martin

[Eyes shut] Nothing.

You must see something!

Martin

I don't have a visual memory, sorry.

Mac

I see something. I see a chocolate Phil Collins coming out of a clock every hour, to tidy up his Nazi gold.

Martin

I know you pretend to be ashamed of me.

Joanna

No, it’s quite genuine.

Martin

Well, underneath I know you're got some mother's pride. And I don’t mean the bread.

Martin

You let me down. You weren’t there for me, Mum.

Joanna

Shut up! Not here!

Martin

I needed you to make my packed lunches, I needed you to pick me up from swimming and I needed you to make me that Incredible Hulk costume for Halloween.

Joanna

Shut up! Shut up!

Martin

I've got an angry penis!

Martin

Can I ask your advice about something?

Caroline

Your shirt tucked into your pants doesn't really work for you, Martin.

Martin

No, look, it's not about clothes, it's about something more serious.

Caroline

More serious than clothes? I don't understand.

Martin

You don't like curry.

No. Ah, not usually, no. But it's Ramadan! [waves the curry under the noses of two nurses] A time for fasting. Yum yum yum! Smells so good!

We're Hindu, you nipple!

Martin

[O. O. V.] Hi Mac.

Mac

OK, that is the worst "going to the toilet" I’ve ever seen.

Martin

Yeah, Guy said he’d be phoning the gays.

Mac

Which gays?

Martin

Well, all of them.

Mac

The thing you have to understand about the gays, is that they're probably more scared of you, than you are of them.

Mac

I think my son's hair is dyed.

Martin

Oh, right. Well, have you checked to see whether his collar and cuffs match?

Mac

Martin, he's four years old.

Martin

Yeah, I know.

Mac

But if it is dyed, do you see what that means? Do you see what that implies?

Martin

Means he's probably quite vain about his appearance? Oh my God! He's gay!