Mercedes Jones quotes from Glee

Mercedes Jones

She swapped out my weave glue with MAYONAISE.

Mercedes

Have you ever kissed anybody?

Kurt

Yes. If by somebody you mean the tender crook of my elbow.

Rachel

We need to have a gayvention, that's a GAY intervention.

Tina

It's K-K-Kurt. He's lady fabulous.

Mercedes

Look, just because he wears nice clothes doesn't mean he's on the down low.

Rachel

He wore a corset to second period today.

Mercedes

Why do we have to go all vanilla on this song? See, what we need is my chocolate thunder.

Will

We don't have time to rearrange the song for you, Mercedes. But don't worry; we'll find something else for you to dip in chocolate.

Finn

This so isn't you.

Tina

I feel like an Asian Branch Davidian.

Will

Tina, are there any other looks you can try?

Santana

Biker chick?

Finn

Cowgirl?

Mercedes

Hoodrat.

Quinn

Computer programmer?

Brittany

Cross-country skier.

Catholic schoolgirl?

Brittany

Happy Meal, no onions. Or a chicken.

Wait, where's Rachel? I mean, I only noticed because, like, five minutes have gone by without her saying something totally obnoxious.

Mercedes

Rachel got some intense news yesterday.

Quinn

We were spying on Vocal Adrenaline when-

Will

Guys! It's not right to spy...but what did you find out?

Mercedes

Okay, y'all ready? Ms. Corcoran, the Vocal Adrenaline coach... she's Rachel's mom.

Will

Are you serious?

We're screwed. Rachel's going to jump ship for Vocal Adrenaline.

Rachel

Guys, we have a serious problem. You know how I've been doing some deep background on Vocal Adrenaline?

Artie

Isn't that against the rules?

Rachel

No, not at all. Or…probably. Whatever! Anyway, what I figured out: I rooted through the dumpsters behind the auditorium and I found eighteen empty boxes of Christmas lights!

Tina

Oh, no.

Rachel

Which led me to the fabric store. I asked about red Chantilly lace; they were sold out.

Mercedes

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Kurt

Oh, my.

Will

What?

Kurt

They're doing Gaga.

Mercedes

That's it; it's over.

Rachel

Exactly!

Kurt

We should have guessed it. They're going for full-out theatricality. They know it's the easiest way to beat us. Damn them!

What's up with this Gaga dude? He just, like, dresses weird, right? Like Bowie?

Kurt

Lady Gaga is a woman! She's only the biggest pop act to come along in decades. She's boundary-pushing, the most theatrical performer of our generation, and she changes her look faster than Brit changes sexual partners.

Brittany

It's true.

Mercedes

Is that a men's sweater?

Kurt

Fashion has no gender

Brittany

I don't want to do Britney.

Kurt

Why no Britney, Brittany?

Brittany

Because my name is also Britney Spears.

Will

Wait, what?

Mercedes

What the hell is she talking about?

Brittany

My middle name is Susan. My last name is Pierce, which makes me Brittany S. Pierce. Brittany Spierce.

Rachel

I'd like to dedicate this song to my boyfriend, Finn. I was wrong, I shouldn't try to control you. I've just, I've never been this happy before. And I realize that I was trying to hold on to how you were making me feel so much that I was strangling you in my hands like a little bird. I get now that in order for this relationship to work, I have to open up my hands and let you fly free.

Brittany

Finn can fly?

Kurt

Really?

Brittany

Wait, I thought I was the only one getting the solos from now on. Next week I'm going to be performing a musical number by Ke$ha.

Mercedes

[to Brittany] Shh!

Will

Kurt, I'm done talking about this!

Kurt

Geesh! Loose a little, would you? STOP BEING SO FREAKIN' UPTIGHT ALL THE TIME!!!!

Will

Kurt, I'll see you in the principal's office.

Mercedes

Uh-oh.

Mercedes

I don't see what's wrong with getting a little church in here.

Quinn

I agree. I've had a really hard year, and I've turned to God a lot for help. I, for one, wouldn't mind saying thanks.

Santana

Thanks for what? That it didn't come out a lizard-baby?

Brittany

Whenever I pray, I fall asleep.

Finn

You got a problem with Jesus?

Oh, I got no problem with the guy. I'm a total Jew for Jesus. He's my number one Heb. What I don't like seeing is people using J-Money to cramp everyone else's style 'cause it seems to me that true spirituality or whatever you want to call it is about enjoying the life that you've been given. I mean, I see God every time I make out with a new chick.

Kurt

Thank you Mercedes. Your voice is stunning but I don't believe in God... You've all professed your beliefs, I'm just stating mine. I think God is kind of like Santa Claus for adults. Otherwise, God is kind of a jerk, isn't he? I mean, he makes me gay and then he has his followers going around telling me it's something that I chose. As if someone would choose to be mocked every single day of their life. And right now I don't want a heavenly father, I want my real one back.

Mercedes

Look, Kurt, how do you know for sure? I mean, you can't prove that there's no God.

Kurt

You can't prove that there isn't a magic tea pot floating around on the dark side of the moon, with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs, but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it?

Brittany

Is God an evil dwarf?

Quinn

We shouldn't be talking like this. It's not right.

Kurt

I'm sorry Quinn. But all you can believe whatever you want to, but I can't believe something I don't. I appreciate your thought, but I don't want?your prayers.

Santana

I hope you're happy, Kurt.

Kurt

Having the week of my life, actually.

Will

Guys, back off Kurt, okay? He had every right to speak his mind.

Mercedes

Look, Kurt, we're sympathetic to what you're going through but siding with Miss Sylvester isn't gonna do anyone any good.

Kurt

It's doing me some good. Now I don't have to sit around listening to all you mental patients talk about how's there's a God when I know there isn't one.

Mercedes

...You get to wear a fabulous hat.

Kurt

You had me at fabulous hat.