Scenes with Hijikata 82
Damn, can't get nothing done without them...
[steps on a mine. The explosion breaks up the fight.]
[looking at Kondo, who is laying in a crater] Look, Kondo-san's been blown up.
HijikataI wonder if it was the heat.
No way. He must've stepped on a landmine. What a dumbass, couldn't he remember where he buried them? [everyone starts laughing]
Huh? Wait a second. [staring at the empty yard] Does anyone here remember where they are buried?
That's a problem. The paperboy will be blown up tomorrow.
Actually, Hijikata-san... It was me who sent you those panties.
Hijikata
Say what??
It was just a prank, silly. [starts running away.]
Hijikata
[giving chase] I don't give a fuck, you twat!!! Hold on! Stop running!
[one of them steps on a landmine, setting off a chain reaction that blows up every other mine around the Shimura house, engulfing it in a fireball.]
DVDisembodied voice
Die... Die... Die, Hijikata, with your high legacy...
Hijikata
No way. That's really...
[the disembodied voice keeps telling Hijikata to die. He opens the door and sees it's Okita, with a candle headdress, talking from the outside, as he hides a hammer and nail behind him.]
Hijikata
What are you doing out here so late?
Hijikata
[as he speaks, we see a portrait of Hijikata nailed to a tree.] Stop lying! If you were really jogging in that outfit, you head would be a fireball by now! A ritual! You must be in the middle of a ritual to kill me!
Oh, you really jump to conclusions. Watch yourself, or you might become a paranoid psycho.
Hijikata
It's gotta be a joke, the great Shinsengumi scared and confined to bed. It's so embarrassing, I'll hardly show my face in public again. Pitiful.
Toushi! It was different for me! It was the mayonnaise that scared me!
Hijikata
That's even worse!
You should not talk the spirits down, lest you'd face a string of bad luck, Toushi. For example, this house is haunted. Some ghost must have taken it over.
Hijikata
That's so stupid.
[he remembers the apparition he saw the night before]
Hijikata
Or maybe not.
[Yamazaki has brought in a trio of exorcists - really, the Yorozuya crew in disguise. Kagura is wearing shades and a Chinese hat, Gintoki has his face bandaged and wears a kasa, and Shinpachi has a fake nose and mustache and uses a headwrap]
Hijikata
Who are these guys, a circus troupe?
No. We hired them to exorcise the building.
Hijikata
Hey, hey, you gotta be kidding me. These guys look pretty odd...
Oh! There's something on your back, sir!
Hijikata
What? What's on my back?
[Kagura and Gintoki whisper to each other]
I agree. Looks like he's beyond saving.
Hijikata
Can I kill them, Commander? Can I?
What kind of spirit could it be, gorilla?
Well... Factory supervisor.
[Gintoki punches Kagura]
Yeah, well... It's the spirit of a factory supervisor who died when he was caught on a conveyor belt!
Uh... But all our men said they saw a woman.
He put it wrong. It's the spirit of a woman who committed suicide, and who looked like a factory supervisor who died when he was caught on a conveyor belt!
Hijikata
That's too complicated! Besides, what kind of factory supervisor haunts people?
Uh, how will you do the exorcism?
What? Anybody could do that!
[Kagura punches him in the gut, knocking him unconscious.]
Yes! It's in! The spirit's in him now!
Hijikata
The way I see it, it looked more like a body blow than a spirit.
[pretending to be the spirit by manipulating Yamazaki's unconscious body] No, you're wrong, I'm in here! Well, everyone, it was entirely my fault that the factory...
Heyyy! Isn't that the factory supervisor?!
Hey, Toushi, shouldn't we let them go? If this goes on, Sougou's probably gonna turn into a sadist.
Hijikata
What are you talking about? He's the Prince of the Sadistic Planet.
Hijikata
We could cut you up, but we have no time for that right now. Buzz off.
Oh? I think you don't wanna hurt us because you're afraid of ghosts, right?
Poor fella, you want me to walk you to the bathroom?
Are you mocking the samurai?? [to Kagura] Please, walk me to the bathroom!
Hijikata
You're actually asking them??
Actually, I'm so afraid of going to the bathroom I was holding it in.
Hijikata
[talking about the victimized Shinsengumi soldiers] If we had a solid opponent, we'd have no problem facing him. But when it comes to things like these, we get perplexed.
Eh? What? So you do believe in ghosts? [holds his arm in mocking pain] Owowowowow, Mommy! Someone went and broke his head here!
Hijikata
[angry] One of these days, I'm gonna cut you to bits.
Hijikata-san, you saw her too? The woman in the red kimono?
Hijikata
I don't know, but there's something weird going on here. And that thing's definitely not human.
GOGintoki and Okita
[mocking Hijikata] Owowowowow, Daddy! [only Okita] Please bring him a bandage. The bigger the better, to cover it all up!
Hijikata
Were you guys rehearsing that?
Hijikata
Out of the way!
[he kicks the bathroom stall door open. Inside, Kondo is upside down, with his head stuck into the toilet.]
[Kondo is hallucinating about the woman in the red kimono]
I know. It must be a vision of some woman he made cry.
Hijikata
Kondo-san never made a woman cry.
Then I see. It must've been a woman you made cry who's coming back with a revenge.
Hijikata
I don't recall having dated such an useless woman.
Hijikata-san, that guy is... Huh?
[Hijikata is trying to climb into a pot.]
Hijikata-san, what are you doing?
Hijikata
Nothing. Just looking for an entrance to the Mayonnaise Kingdom.
[everyone stares blankly, then leaves.]
Wait, wait, wait! That's wrong! He may be afraid of ghosts, but I'm not!
Hijikata
You're the one who's scared! You probably wanna run home to mommy!
Yeah, yeah, we get it. Doesn't matter if it's in the Continent of Mu or in the Mayonnaise Kingdom, just go and look for them.
[Okita, Kagura and Shinpachi run away in fright.]
Seriously, they should stop fooling around.
Hijikata
Those damn brats. [together with Gintoki, as they slowly turn around.] We won't get fooled that easily...
[when they turn, they are facing the woman in the red kimono, who is upside down in the closet.]
GHGintoki and Hijikata
G... good evening...
Gin Tama · 485 quotes
