You sleep with one old guy, and suddenly you're Catherine Zeta-Jones.
S5The Party's Over
[Directing the setup of chairs for her party] Just move them so people can navigate around them comfortably. [They move chairs] Not that far apart. Not that far apart! Good Lord, if someone needs that much room to get around a chair they shouldn't be at a party, they should be on a treadmill.
Refill?
Sure, why not?
Because drinking is bad. It's very, very bad and we're bad for doing it. [To Rory] Spank me.
I think the hangover tomorrow will be punishment enough.
Thank you for not being related to me.
[Lorelai snickers]
That came out wrong.
No, I got it.
[Rory starts crying after Dean leaves]
[gently] You’ll be okay.
[shakes her head] No, I won't.
Okay, that's it. Back to the pool house, men. We have some serious bucking up to do here.
I swiped some Scotch.
I'll reenact the Passion of the Christ.
[The boys cheer and head inside.]
Hey Ace, nothing ever seems quite as bad after Finn's Passion of the Christ. Except Finn's Passion of the Christ. [He puts her arm around her. They go inside.]
S5Emily Says Hello
We attended the Dorman School Bazaar last week. It was a big formal gathering. All our friends were there. And at dinner, he made me reach for the butter.
What?
It was sitting right there in front of him, and yet he didn't offer me the dish. He buttered his own roll, offered the dish to the man next to him, and that was it.
And that's why you think he's moved on?
It was a total disregard for my needs. I might as well not have had a roll in front of me at all.
Well, Mom, I'm sorry.
It's very upsetting.
I think it's time for me to date.
[chokes] Oh, my God!
I want to go on a date.
With a man?
No, a weasel. Of course with a man.
I'm not hearing this.
You have a lot of experience with men. How do you let them know that you're available?
Well, one of those bench ads usually does the trick.
Lorelai, stop it. I need help here. It's been years since I did this and I don't remember the proper procedure. Now take me through this step by step. You see a man, you walk up to him, and you say...
"Hello."
Is that too forward?
No, it's the appropriate way to indicate you're open to a social engagement. Unless, however, you are approaching a weasel. Then I believe the proper signal is just to offer him your hindquarters.
So, Michel has been obsessed with these guests who he swears are the notorious bathrobe bandits from the Independence Inn. At least the moles match. So, apparently they were checking out, and Michel stopped them and demanded they open their suitcases, and they refused. So he grabs the guy's suitcase and starts tearing through all of his stuff, which, of course, went over really well. And when I got there, the wife was calling the cops and the husband was chasing Michel around with a golf club. It took a comped bill and two free bathrobes in addition to the ones they had stolen to get them to drop the charges. Plus, Michel ripped his pants, and his underwear's pink and shiny.
What did you say to her?
I said, "Are you getting back with Dad?" And she said he wouldn't butter her roll.
S5But Not as Cute as Pushkin
[talking about Logan] I know him from school. He's just a casual friend. That's it.
Do you think he's cute?
It doesn't matter if I think he's cute.
Uh, it matters to me. I don't want ugly grandchildren.
[Lorelai is rejoicing over being able to go down to Luke's diner and get pie whenever she wants.]
Oh, it's heaven! One quick trip downstairs and I have all the treats I want. You're like Willy Wonka, but hotter.
I am not hotter than Willy Wonka.
Slap on a purple top hat and you're close.
[Rory and Anna sit in a classroom. Anna is dozing off.]
PBProf. Bell
Which brings us to this question, does Campbell's work successfully resolve the disparate stances of Jung and Freud when it comes to the collective unconscious?
Hey, pay attention. Professor Bell is one of the foremost philosophy professors in the country.
PBProf. Bell
[. . .] All right. Let's call that close enough. But, now, Campbell can point to the repetition of the hero myth in culture after culture and say "Hey, Sigmund, like it or not here are the same basic characters over and over -"
[Colin enters]
Excuse me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
PBProf. Bell
I'm right in the middle of a class, young man.
I know, I'm sorry, I just -- [Runs up to stand by Rory's desk.] Rory, you can't just walk out like that. Not after everything we've been through. You just left. I was still in bed. I mean what is that all about?
PBProf. Bell
Ok, you need to do this later.
I can't do this later. Rory I love you. I love you, dammit! How many times to I have to tell you? God! Just talk to me.
PB'Prof. Bell
Ok, out right now! Out! Just get -
[Logan enters.]
Colin! What are you doing, man?
Get the hell out of here!
She's with me now. I told you that. Let it go.
I will not let it go! Everything was fine until you came along!
Oh, don't blame me because you couldn't keep her.
I swear to god, I'm gonna kill you!
Oh, I'd love to see you try.
[Colin lungs at Logan. Boys begin fighting]
BProfessor Bell
Stop it! Stop it right now! Anthony, get security! It's not the time or the place for this. Break it up! Gentlemen! You are losing control! You are in a classroom.
[A piercing police whistle blows. Into the classroom walks Finn, dressed in a British bobby uniform.]
All right, that's enough. Break it up, you two. Rory Gilmore, you should be ashamed of yourself! Toying with these boys like this. They used to have pride. They used to have dignity. They used to have balls. Damn it, Gilmore! Give them back their balls.
[Sitting down at Rory and Anna's table] So, dull day, huh?
AAnna
Not for me.
[To Rory] Someone's quiet.
Got nothing to say.
Do you get the sense that she's mad at me?
AAnna
Yep.
Hey, Anna, why don't you head on over to the fro-yo social? You remember where it is, right?
AAnna
Yeah, but I just had three scoops of ice cream.
Kid, you're in college now, okay? Now, go get yourself some yogurt.
AAnna
Are you going to come, Logan?
[Looks at Rory] Uh, I'm not sure how well I'll be walking, here, in a minute, Anna.
That's not a good look.
I have no words.
It was just a joke!
Oh wait I've thought of some. Jerk. Ass. Arrogant inconsiderate, mindless frat-boy low-life buttfaced miscreant!
Butt-faced miscreant?
Why would you do something like that?!
I'm sorry, butt-faced miscreant?
Well, hello, boys. Nice to see you. Logan, I wanted to talk to you. I just heard about the incident.
The...?
I heard that you professed your feelings for Rory.
Wha...?
Mr. Bell is a very dear friend of mine, as is the Dean of admissions. Well, you know in this place, news travels fast.
Yeah, look...
I have to tell you that, while I understand what could have driven you to such a public display of affection, there is an appropriate time and place for that sort of thing. And a classroom in the middle of class is not one of them.
No, I know, I...
However, what's done is done. It's out. So I dropped by to tell you that I have spoken to your father.
My father?
We pounded out a few things. Property agreements, pre-nups, that sort of thing.
Okay, I think that there's been...
Oh, we came to a very fair agreement. I'm sure you'll be pleased. Now, we're setting up a dinner for next week to finalize the engagement and start talking about the ceremony. Emily is handling all the newspaper announcements, so, not to worry. That's all taken care of.
But...
She is a fine young lady, Logan. I want her to be happy. You'll take care of that, I assume. All right, I'll let you get back to your coffee break. Nice seeing all of you again. And Logan... welcome to the family, son.
[Goes away to meet Rory inside the building. Rory runs towards him.]
I do hope one of his dopey looking friends knows CPR, or he just might not make it.
You're the best, Grandpa!
All right, who's next? Paris giving you any trouble?
Not anymore than usual. However, there is a girl in my modern poetry class who keeps kicking my chair.
Ah, I do love this place.
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