George Lopez quotes from George Lopez

George

A thousand things have to go wrong before you end up like Ernie.

George

(after Ernie's attempts to "seduce" the predator fails) Hey, man, don't worry. I'm sure somewhere... (starts laughing) I can't say it with a straight face. You got rejected by a sexual predator!

George

(to Benny) Okay, uh, here's the deal. I'm gonna try to stop complaining because I don't want to be your excuse for smoking. So if you can't quit, it's 'cause you're self-destructive, undisciplined, (yells) AND YOU NEVER GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN I WAS A KID!

George

I told her the same thing I wrote on her Mother's Day card: "You're old and you'd better not lose your job, because sabes que? I ain't taking care of your ass! Warm regards, your loving son George."

George

Like you care. (walks away)

George

Maybe I'm both. You don't know me!

Max

What's a period?

George

It's a bullet we dodge. Go get ready.

Carmen

Here are the hot dogs.

George

What are you doing?

Carmen

Ow, my underarms burn. Your grandpa's old razor was so dull, it took me forever!

George

Didn't you change the blade?

Carmen

No. Was I supposed to?

George

Sweetheart, that was the blade we used to shave Grandpa right before we put him in the coffin.

Carmen

Oh, my God!

Angie

Carmen! That's why you don't lie to people.

George

It wasn't a lie.

George

[to Duncan] Look, Where I come from, we weren't ever allowed in the room with a girl and I'm gonna tell you straight, I don't like it. And I want you to know I'm watching you. Even when you don't think I'm around. I'm watching you. When you're sleeping in your little race car bed. I'm watching you. Even if you start to think, "Hey! Maybe he's not watching me." I'm watching you. Pop quiz, what am I doing right now, Duncan?

Watching me, sir?

George

There you go! That wasn't so bad, was it?

George

Angie, do I look like a stupid man?

Angie

What?

George

Do I look like an idiot? Do I look like a moron? Do I look like a buffoon?

Angie

Hey, no-one's forcing you to go to SuperCuts.

George! There's a detective waiting for you in your office. Do you have any idea why?

George

No.

Look. Nobody is judging you. You are a good man, and you made a horrible mistake! You know maybe it was for love, maybe it was the drink, I don't know! Look! Seriously man just tell me what you did so I can help you. I will shred files, I will lie, I will do anything!

George

Okay, here's the plan. I'll go talk to the cop. You go back to your desk and pretend nothing's wrong, do some work. Okay? But don't pretend, actually do some work!

George

Alright, this movie might be a little mature for you, but I think it's more important that you learn that not everyone out there is a nice person.

Max

What's the movie?

George

Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I queued it up to the educational part.

Angie

Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Are you insane?

George

Not compared to them. Angie, this is how kids learn, they watch scary stuff, they'll get nightmares, they'll learn to be careful!

Angie

But they're mean to Toby and Toby is your best friend.

Carmen

But she won't be there!

George

Oh, see that only makes sense because you're using teenager logic. It's the same kind of logic that gets your kind killed in horror films.

Angie

Look, honey, I know what you're going through. There was a time when I had to choose between the popular crowd and a sweet pudgy kid eating all by himself.

George

Who was that?

Angie

You don't know him.

George

By the way, you didn't pick the pudgy kid. Pudgy kid picked you.

Mr. and Mrs. Lopez, thank you for coming down. Let me start by saying Max is a joy to have in class.

Angie

He's a joy at home.

George

You know, and he likes you too. He draws all his favorite people in hell.

Good! Look, Max is having real problems with his reading. Have you seen his centipede?

George

...I don't know what that's gotta do with reading, but in our house we call that a "weenus."