Jesse Katsopolis quotes from Full House

Oh, honey. I'm so glad you made it on time.

Jesse

In time for what?

The birth of our babies.

Jesse

Oh, that's right. You're having my baby. [sings] What a lovely way of saying how much you love me!

S5 Happy Birthday, Babies (2)

View quote →

Jess, just hold my hand.

Jesse

Won't your husband Donny be jealous?

Jess, you're my husband.

Jesse

I got a wife and a baby in the same day. Radical!

S5 Happy Birthday, Babies (2)

View quote →

Jesse

Everybody, we have to be a little sensitive to Becky's feelings. The doctor said she's gonna be a little emotional over the next few days.

It's not my fault. The doctor said it's very common for new mothers to have mood swings. [pauses] Why are you all staring at me?

Danny: Because you were just talking to us.

Oh, well, thank you for listening.

Was that a mood swing?

Jesse

6.2.

S5 Nicky and/or Alexander

View quote →

We're only gonna be gone 2-3 hours.

Jesse

That's what Gilligan said.

S5 Easy Rider

View quote →

Jesse

Hi, Aunt Ida. Beautiful new do.

IAunt Ida

I was in the neighborhood. Turn your hat around. You look like a hoodlum.

S5 Easy Rider

View quote →

[about the twins] What if they do something cute? What if they learn to talk?

Jesse

I'll have them call you.

S5 Play It Again, Jess

View quote →

Jess, I make more than enough money to support this family.

Jesse

Yeah? Thanks for reminding me.

What, you have a problem with me making a decent living?

Jesse

No, I have a problem with me not making a decent living.

Oh, I get it. This is all about you and your macho pride.

Jesse

What pride? I don't have any pride! I'm gonna go get some pride. Say good-bye to "Mr. Donaldson!" [leaves the house]

S5 Play It Again, Jess

View quote →

Hey, have you guys seen Michelle? She's not in her room.

Jesse

What do you mean she's not in her room? She's grounded.

Yeah, I checked the whole house. I don't know where she is.

She's gotta be around here somewhere.

Jesse

I'll check the front.

I'll check the backyard.

Jesse

Michelle!

Michelle!

Jesse

Michelle!

[they keep searching until the phone rings and Danny answers it]

Hello? Oh, thank God. Yeah, okay. We'll-we'll be-we'll be right over. Thanks, Henry.

Jesse

Well?

Michelle went down the street to Teddy's house. She ran away from home.

Jesse

What?

What? Why would she do that?

Jesse

Well, she was mad at me. She called me Uncle Tattletale.

Well, I'm gonna see to it she never runs away again.

What are you gonna do?

First I'm gonna hug her, then I'm gonna kiss her, then I'm gonna ground her for life.

Jesse

Whoa, whoa, hold it, tall man. I got a better idea.

What?

Jesse

Let's do what my dad did to me when I ran away. I guarantee she'll never do it again.

S5 The Devil Made Me Do It

View quote →

Jesse

[about the twins] Come on, Becky, don't you think you're babying them a little bit?

Well, Jess, they are babies.

S5 Yours, Mine and Ours

View quote →

Jesse, what's your take on this Pete guy?

Jesse

He's a good kid.

Good. D.J. just went out with him.

Jesse

What? You let her go out with that animal?

You just said he was a good kid.

Jesse

He's in a band. All he thinks about is girls. He's exactly like I was when I was seventeen.

Oh, my God.

S5 Five's a Crowd

View quote →

D.J., you can't keep giving us the silent treatment.

D.J.

Okay, you wanna talk? Fine. I am totally humiliated! When this gets out at school, I'll never be asked out again! But that's what you wanted, isn't it? [storms upstairs]

Jesse

I think we were doing better with the silent treatment.

S5 Five's a Crowd

View quote →

[Mike Love and Bruce Johnston of The Beach Boys visit; Jesse enters with his hair wrapped in cellophane for dying]

Jesse

Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho, the Beach Boys!

MMike

Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho, Miss Clairol!

Jesse

Dr. Love, how ya doin'? Bruce, how ya doin'? Heh heh, I've got my hair in a... heh heh, heh heh... (aside to Becky, annoyed) Thanks for the warning.

Well, how was I supposed to know you'd be dyeing your hair. Why are you dyeing your hair?

Jesse

Because I'm worth it.

S5 Captain Video (1)

View quote →

[DJ and Steve are preoccupied with kissing in the cab of the cement truck which causes her foot to accidentally hit a lever that makes the chute turn into the kitchen window and cement to pour onto the floor. And Joey is preoccupied listening to his meditation tape and repeating what it says]

"I am at peace. I am soaring."

[Danny and Jesse come down the back stairway]

Man. What a mess up there, Jess. Is there anything worse than ground leaves in a carpet?

Jesse

[sees the wet cement pouring into the kitchen while Joey is still meditating] Yep.

[sees it as well] My kitchen! Joey, do something! [but he can't hear him] [to Jesse] I'll try to keep it from spreading, you catch it off the chute!

[Jesse tries to catch the cement in his hands and uses a mug, which are both useless, then he tries to do it with his shirt]

Not your shirt! Get a bowl! A bowl!

Jesse

A bowl. Right. Right.

[tries to sweep the cement on the floor] Oh, no!

Jesse

[grabs the fruit bowl from the table and dumps the fake fruit down the stairs] Here. I got a bowl. I got a bowl.

No, no, no, not that bowl! That's my fine china!

[Jesse tosses it to Danny; runs to the fridge, grabs the big punch bowl from on top, and runs back to start filling it]

No! No! Not that one! Not that bowl! My mother gave me that! [Jesse tries to use his hand to wipe the cement out of the bowl and throws it to Danny] Oh, Jesse!

Jesse

[pulls out a drawer from the cabinet next to what used to be the window] How 'bout this drawer? Do you have any emotional attachment to the drawer?

No. I mean, I like it, but...

[Jesse empties the drawer and catches the cascading cement in it]

Jesse

I'm going down!

[as the weight of the cement brings him to his knees]

You know, uh...this, uh, this broom is not working.

[sees the broom is broken]

Jesse

Turn off the truck!

Turn off the truck? Why didn't I think of that? You know, it's weird when your adrenaline's running like this you forget the most obvious thing that you could be doing.

Jesse

The truck, Dan.

"The truck." I'll turn off the truck. That's what I'll do. [struggles to open the back door and eventually gets out] Uh! Oh!

Jesse

Joey!

"Sniff the minty woodlands." [as Jesse reaches for him] "There. Now, aren't we calm and placid?"

S7 E2 The Apartment

View quote →

[Jesse and Michelle enter the house]

Hey, everybody. Uncle Jesse got my bike back.

Jesse

It's no big deal. All I did was outwit a 9-year-old. It's not like he was jeopardy material or anything. What the heck is that?

Michelle's bike. What the heck is that?

Hey, guys. Guess who found Michelle's... bike?

Seems to be the question of the day.

Wow, I've got three bikes!

No, honey, not all of them are yours. One of them is, but which one?

I like this one. It looks brand-new.

Sweetheart, I didn't ask which one you liked the best. I asked you which one is yours?

Let's see. Mine has a Kermit sticker on the basket.

Jesse

Well, would you settle for a Care Bear on the chainguard?

None of these bikes are mine. Mine's still stolen.

So are all these.

And we're the stealers.

You're all going to the slammer.

S7 E11 The Bicycle Thief

View quote →

[we find the family still together in the living room...]

Daddy, if you have a stomachache, could you stay home from the slammer?

Sweetheart, we are not going to the slammer. We're just gonna return these bikes to their rightful owners.

So everybody gets their bike back except me? That's fair.

Jesse

How am I supposed to return this? I stole it off a kid named Davey. All I know about him is I should've stolen his trumpet too.

I found mine leaning against the library. This horrible thing. A little girl goes in, checks out Curious George, comes out, her bike's gone. Could turn a kid off to reading forever.