Joey Gladstone quotes from Full House

Joey

I tried, and I failed. I'm just glad I figured this out now, and not when I'm 46.

Joey

(upon seeing Jesse's new haircut) You went from Eddie Van Halen to Pee-Wee Van Herman.

Joey

[upon seeing Jesse move like Elvis Presley] Jesse, Elvis never made one golf movie.

Joey

Listen to this, Michelle. "Psychic struck by lightning". If he was any good, he'd have seen that coming.

Joey

You know, Jess, I could handle a lot more responsibility. Even Pat lets Vanna spin the wheel once in awhile.

Joey

Once again, a reminder: family members are prohibited from coming onto the field and embarrassing themselves and their loved ones.

Stephanie

Okay. Once upon a time, there was a pretty girl named Cinderella. Daddy.

Danny

And, uh, Cinderella wanted to go to this big fancy ball. And on the way, she wandered into this cabin... and she fell asleep in Papa Bear's bed.

Stephanie

I don't think so.

Danny

No, wait, honey. It gets better. So... she's on the bed, she's out like a light when all of a sudden...

Stephanie

(makes a time's-up buzzer sound) Joey.

Joey

Um... when Cinderella woke up, she was real thirsty... so she went to 7-Eleven for a Slurpee, where she ran into Bullwinkle. So Bullwinkle says, "Hello, Cinderella. Would you like to come to the ball with me? Not only am I a great dancer, but you can hang your coat on my antlers." Kids love this stuff. So...

D.J.

(she makes a buzzer sound) Uncle Jesse!

Jesse

So Cinderella, Bullwinkle. They get married, right? The go on The Newlywed Game, and they win a grand prize selected especially for them. Good night.

Stephanie

(buzzer sound again) Daddy.

Danny

Until... the Big Bad Wolf came over. And he said, "Open up... or I'll huff and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down. And I can do it too, because as we all know... wolves have an amazing lung capacity."

Stephanie

(buzzer sound) Joey!

Joey

So--

D.J.

(buzzer sound) Uncle Jesse!

Jesse

So the wolf, the moose, the babe... They all fell in love, right? They moved to Sweden, where the people are a lot more cool about that sort of thing... and that's the end of the story. Goodnight and goodbye.

D.J.

No monsters, no witches... but that story was very scary.

I love kids. That’s why I became a teacher.

Joey

It’s why I never grew up.

You seem pretty grown up to me.

Joey

Oh yeah, I’m the only guy in the world who has Abe Lincoln’s head on a stick.

Jesse

North American Silver-Footed Ferret, adult male, 2 1/2 pounds. I'd say from the echo, he's heading towards the garage.

Joey

How can you possibly know this?

Jesse

It's a gift.

Joey

Germs take one look at my body and say "Hey- why waste our time?"

Jesse

Women say the same thing.

Joey

I can't have chicken pox, I'm immune.

Jesse

You're immune to common sense.

[after scoring the first touchdown] IN YO' FACE!!

Jesse

How did...? Where did you...? How'd - help me out here.

D.J.

I can explain.

Jesse

No, no, wait. Don't tell me. You're walking by the supermarket, and some kid had a litter of these in a cardboard box. (calls out) Joey!

Joey

Jess, I am trying to put the baby to-- Horse? How did you...? Where did you...? How did it--?

Jesse

My words exactly.

Joey

Oh, this is great. Danny's going to walk in here, see this horse and blame me for the whole thing. Do you know why? Because this is *very* funny.

Jesse

Danny's gonna flip his gourd. We gotta get this horse out of here.

Joey

Well, how do we get him out?

Jesse

We'll feed him, give him food. What does he eat?

Joey

Hay.

Jesse

We don't have any hay.

Joey

Jess, you went to the market, and you didn't pick up any hay?

Jesse

What are you doing?

D.J.

The Locomotion.

Jesse

Where'd you get this tape?

D.J.

It was in there.

Jesse

Oh, no. [rewinds the tape] Please, tell me you didn't tape over my Casa de Pancakes jingle.

[on recording] Casa de Pancakes. OLE!

Jesse

I can't believe it! It's gone! You guys destroyed it! Now I'm gonna hafta do the whole thing over again.