Xander Crews quotes from Frisky Dingo

Do you hear a dial tone? 'Cause Barnaby Jones is off the hook!

Barnaby, they're not buying it, we're going to have to go to plan B.

Yeah, 'cause you're getting your ass kicked!

And I apologize in advance for this.

Hey dude, what are you- [Killface bites Xander's ear off, Xander screams and falls] Oh, son of a bitch!

My ear! Somebody put it in milk! [Killface spits it out]

What's that?

No no no, they can reattach it! [Stan's clones jump down on the ear and presumably eat it while harrumphing]

Now there's something you don't see everyday.

Oh, you're fuckin' dead.

Yes, that's the spirit, Barnaby. [Xander smashes Killface in the face] Oh you're really selling it.

Oh, what's that? I obviously can't hear you.

Okay, Barnaby?

Hey, I'm Killface, and I have a plan! Let me shoot your fuckin' eyes out! And then, let's wander around a fuckin' sewer our whole lives, looking for my fat ass, weirdo kid!

Hey-

Who just happens to be-

Barnaby-

The world's fattest fucking pussy! [Killface yells and bashes Xander to the ground]

You made me do that! [Steps on Xander's neck]

Well, your kid's still a pussy.

Barnaby-

'Cause you are a failure as a parent.

No, look at his face!

What?

He's got the mind of a child!

Aw.

So, why'd you two sneak into my lair?

I-

Xander Crews

He kidnapped me! I have Patty Hearst Syndrome!

So hey. Thanks for not killing me. Things got a little crazy back there.

Barnaby, how could I kill my best friend?

Yeah...

Barnaby, we're BFF!

Yeah, I am actually [Takes off wig and glasses] Xander Crews!

What!

[runs off] Woo woo woo!

Xander Crews

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on. I'm just gonna do one question. From, uh...

Ooh! Ooh! Me! [Xander sighs] Please pick-

Xander Crews

Darcel Jones! From Team Jaguar! How are you doing? You should call it Team Sexy!

Next Question - no that's it, we're done!

Coming Up, Friends, followed by -

[Sighs, switches channel]

Betrayal, Starring Jeremy Irons-

Mm. No. [switches channel]

Si Bueno i como Barnaby Jone-

No. [switches channel]

- Marathon, of this Old Barn-

-A Bee-

- Jones of Team Jaguar -

Barnaby Jones. Well, mark my words, as my newish HD TV goes, so goes-[cut to the Crews building]

Xander Crews

Xander frickin' Crews! Do you see the big ass sign out there? Does it say "Stan the big dumb fat jerk liar who tried to steal my company"? No! Building's not tall enough! Yuck, you know, I'm just glad my murdered parents aren't alive to see this, and frankly, we're not too stoked about seeing it either.

You son of a bitch.

Xander Crews

Are we, Old Spice?

Yes!

Xander Crews

He says no. Now do it until you get it right!

MASTER CYLINDER! MASTER CYLINDER!

[Answers cell phone] Hello?

Xander Crews

[sighs over phone] What's up, Douchington?

No, no Douchington here- Hey, is that Xander Crews?

Xander Crews

You got my money?

It's right here! You got my key?

Xander Crews

Duh!

[Petulant] You don't have to be crappy.

Xander Crews

We threw 'em! We throw 'em on three!

No, I-I think it's windy for...

Xander Crews

[Yelling quickly] One two three!

Xander Crews

[Beat]... what the fuck, dude?!

You said throw it!

Xander Crews

Why?!... did I say that?!

'Cause you're an idiot! And a liar! You didn't even throw yours!

Xander Crews

I was gonna keep them both!

You - Well, serves you right then!

Xanderby, wait!

Xander Crews

Does this thing just start like a freaking car? Retarded.

Oh my God, you've armed it!

Xander Crews

Ahhh! Why did I also do that?

What is wrong with you?!

Xander Crews

My parents never established boundaries!

It's alright, there's a failsafe.

Xander

I don't know or care what that is!