“Penultimate Fighting” · Season 1
In this episode: Killface (14), Xander Crews (13), Barnaby Jones (11), Torpedo Vegas (8), Wendell (3), Taqu'il (2), Ronnie (1), Simon (1)
So that's your plan? Break in there, kill all the guards, and rescue Simon?
A simple, logical progression, Barnaby. [They are hit by spotlights]
Fleeze, douchebags!
Yeah... yeah pretty much writes itself.
Pneumatic tubes eh?
Obviously.
Can't put coins in those.
They were very clear on that. I'm not even sure where they go. All I know is that I can't put coins in them can I?
I -
Because I can't put coins in it!
I don't even have any coins you bitch!
He's like a kid in a candy shop, and that candy is... success. And I'm that friendly man at this cash register with a handle bar mustache *chuckles*
What?
I think I'm missing the key reference.
I can't have people sneaking in here leaking dooky water on my rugs. That's unacceptable.
I HAVE PATTY HEARST SYNDROME!
Barnaby just-
I'm getting furious at you, you don't even have any pants on.
Neither does he!
Well he doesn't have a penis! As far as I can tell...
I - uh -
Yeah, what is the story on that?
Oh, like you can talk.
Hey, my penis fills an entire tall-boy.
[Quick cut to Xander, as Awesome X, dancing in front of the X-ticles, naked except for a beercan covering his groin and shouting "Master Cylinder!" through a megaphone. Cut back to Torpedo Jones' lair]
[Scoffing] I'm sure it doesn't fill it.
Don't listen to him, he's crazy!
Was Patty Hearst crazy when she kidnapped the Lindbergh twins?
Barnaby - just...turn six, alright?
Okay, I'll let you have the kid back if, and this is the part I kinda like, if you two fight to the death.
[Immediately] Done.
What?
Oh God I love Chinatown.
Ah tonights death rabbit boughts have been cancelled.
What the hell damn guy!
Oh man I hate Chinatown.
Alright, while I think of a plan-
Plan? It was your stupid ass plan that got us into this pickle! Oh, we were supposed to get-
Don't... say it.
Sorry.
Now just try to make the fight look real- [Xander smashes him in the face repeatedly] Yeah, okay, relatively. Okay, okay, Barnaby?
Do you hear a dial tone? 'Cause Barnaby Jones is off the hook!
Barnaby, they're not buying it, we're going to have to go to plan B.
Yeah, 'cause you're getting your ass kicked!
And I apologize in advance for this.
Hey dude, what are you- [Killface bites Xander's ear off, Xander screams and falls] Oh, son of a bitch!
My ear! Somebody put it in milk! [Killface spits it out]
What's that?
No no no, they can reattach it! [Stan's clones jump down on the ear and presumably eat it while harrumphing]
Now there's something you don't see everyday.
Oh, you're fuckin' dead.
Yes, that's the spirit, Barnaby. [Xander smashes Killface in the face] Oh you're really selling it.
Oh, what's that? I obviously can't hear you.
Okay, Barnaby?
Hey, I'm Killface, and I have a plan! Let me shoot your fuckin' eyes out! And then, let's wander around a fuckin' sewer our whole lives, looking for my fat ass, weirdo kid!
Hey-
Who just happens to be-
Barnaby-
The world's fattest fucking pussy! [Killface yells and bashes Xander to the ground]
You made me do that! [Steps on Xander's neck]
Well, your kid's still a pussy.
Barnaby-
'Cause you are a failure as a parent.
Hey Ronnie, isn't that your rape wig?
Yes, is one of them.
KILL HIM!
You Know the Law!
This is Chinatown!
No, look at his face!
What?
He's got the mind of a child!
Aw.
No, I won't kill my best friend!
I like that. [laughs awkwardly]
Excuse me?
Your words have moved me, Killface. And I'm not a man easily moved. This man, Barnaby Jones, may live.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Frisky Dingo pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
