Martin Crane quotes from Frasier

Frasier

[showing Martin around the station] Now, don't touch that! It's a very sophisticated piece of electronic equipment!

Martin

What is it?

Frasier

I have no idea. Roz told me never to touch it!

Martin

[on the phone] No, no, the storm's really bad, you shouldn't be driving in it anyway. No, you just spend the night there. Right, goodnight, Daphne. [hangs up]

Frasier

You told her to spend the night?

Martin

Yeah, what's the problem?

Frasier

Well, you know how Niles feels about her.

Martin

Oh, relax. It's just another one of Niles's little crushes.

Frasier

Oh, I suppose you're right. Niles is harmless enough. Besides, he'd never try anything with Maris in the house.

Martin

Oh, Maris never made it back. She's stuck in Arizona.

Frasier

[jumps to his feet] I've gotta get Daphne out of there!

Martin

Why?

Frasier

Why?! My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a Gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!

Bebe

You're even more handsome than the last time I saw you. If I were twenty years older, they couldn't keep me away from you.

Martin

That's why I keep this cane.

Martin

I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny.

Frasier

How about Florida?

Martin

I heard that.

Niles

I'm sorry, Frasier. I am not a Winnebago person. Whenever I see one on the highway, I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name they would ever want to do something like this. All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of Miller Lite cans. This is my final word: I'm not going.

Martin

Great news! Daphne's coming, too.

Niles

And so am I!

Martin

[To Frasier] Frasier, isn't there something you wanna say to your brother?

Frasier

Yes, Dad, I– I suppose there is. [To his brother] Niles, would you like a muffin? [Offers his brother a muffin on a plate. Niles becomes confused]

Martin

[To Frasier] [Angrily] Frasier!

Frasier

[Gives in] All right! [Puts the muffin on the plate back on the table. After a moment, he stands up] [To his brother] Niles– I'm sorry things didn't work out with the book. You have no reason to feel inferior to me. You're an accomplished psychiatrist, a decent man– and you stand second to no one.

Niles

Thank you, Frasier. [Stands up] The truth is, I've always looked up to you and– admired you.

Martin

[To his sons] All right, enough of this mushy girly stuff. Just shake hands, punch each other on the shoulder, and be done with it.

Frasier

[To his brother] Oh, what the heck.

Martin

[To himself] [Upset] Oh, geez!

Frasier

Well Dad, as you've often said, "If you can walk, you can work". Took sort of an ironic twist when you got shot in the hip!

Martin

Well, at least I had a real job! Half your listening audience hears voices already, the other half talks to themselves. If you don't show up, who's gonna notice?

Martin

If anybody wants me, I'll be down at Duke's. [exits]

Niles

You ever noticed how much faster he moves when he's wrong?

Daphne

[about drawer-dividers for socks] I saw them once in a catalogue, but I couldn't imagine who in the world would buy such silly things. Course, I hadn't met Dr. Crane yet.

Martin

I used to think there'd been some sort of mix-up at the hospital. Of course, when Niles came along, it shot that theory all to hell.

Martin

One minute it's just a blob in some lady's stomach, the next minute it's a person. Blob... Person.

Frasier

The miracle of birth, summed up in one poetic phrase.

Martin

To Duke's!

To Duke's!

Frasier

[to Duke] Two more!

Martin

Hester was a psychiatrist, so every now and again the department would have her run up a profile on a suspect. I remember the first time I met her. It was over the chalk outline of a murder victim. She drew a little smile on the head of the outline, and I drew a pair of eyes, and before you knew it we were laughing like a couple of kids.

Frasier

Dad, you're a ghoul.

Martin

I was joking. We couldn't draw on the outline. They hadn't moved the body yet.

Martin

What did Frasier say about his old man? The father. The cop.

He told me you were dead.

Martin

Dead?

Frasier

We just had a fight that day. I was mad.

You're a cop? You told me he was a research scientist.

Frasier

You were dead! What did it matter?!

Martin

When your mother got mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.

Niles

I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae; she'd snap like a twig.

Martin

Hey, I know how to take a bullet.

Frasier

Oh, yes. That's just what your personality needsː another bulletǃ