Martin Crane quotes from Frasier

Martin

Seattle's a big city. I'm sure there's a bunch of German fencing instructors, each one with dozens of students.

Frasier

Yes, but are they wealthy students?

Martin

[sarcastically] No, they're inner-city kids trying to work their way out of the ghetto with nothing but a foil and a dream.

Martin

She just sat around whining all the time about how she'd like to be in a warmer climate.

Frasier

My guess is she finally made it!

Martin

So this one night I invited her down to the corner bar.

Niles

Coroners have their own bar?

Martin

No. Corner, Niles — the corner bar!

I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of…of, um…

Niles

Sea kelp?

Exactly right, sea kelp!

Martin

Oh, that's funny; I thought he said “seek help”

Frasier

Well... it's not as if we were standing side-by-side when she chose you. I was at the bar! If you'd gone to get the drinks, things would have been different.

Martin

I don't think so.

Frasier

Dad, I'm drowning here. Please, throw me a line!

Frasier

There he is: the man who doesn’t like me.

Martin

I knew we should’ve taken two cars!

Martin

Come on, they're great guys: Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim. Of course, his name's not really Jim; we call him that because he likes to drink Jim Beam. Just like we call Hank “Bud” because he drinks Budweiser. Come on, you'd love these guys!

Niles

We're sherry drinkers, Dad. Think about it.

Daphne, I noticed in the phone book, you're still listed as Moon.

Niles

That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. It's Moon-Crane.

Martin

[pretending to be a retired astronaut] I remember the first time I drove a moon crane. Damn near rolled it right into the Sea of Tranquility!

Frasier

The dream is really about me and a male co-worker, Gil Chesterton.

Martin

You don't care if I ever sleep again, do you?

Martin

I gotta say: I'm impressed.

Daphne

Yeah. I'm starting to think maybe I should spend an hour or two on the couch with you. (Niles grins)

Martin

Are you kidding? With Niles, it'd only take two minutes!

Niles

(grin fades) Thanks, Dad.

Niles

Because if she accidentally fell in, the shockwave from the hottest thing in Nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the Earth in two.

Frasier

(incredulously) As if a smile from Maris couldn't freeze mercury!

Martin

Boys, come on. Nobody's gonna win this one.

Niles

It's my first Thanksgiving without Maris.

Martin

Oh yeah. I know son, it's hard.

Niles

Do you remember the year I plopped that big wedge of pumpkin pie in front of her, and we all laughed? (they all chuckle) Then I put a big scoop of whipped cream on top of it and we laughed some more! (they chuckle again) Then her eyes welled up with tears and we all knew it was time to stop.

Martin

Nice neighborhood. I noticed a whole bunch of kids Freddie's age playing in the street.

Lilith

Yes, he's spent many happy hours at his window observing their play patterns.

Niles

You know, I should never have even attempted a move like that. It was sort of a cross between a pirouette and a flying scissor kick.

Martin

You hurt yourself adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn't you?

Niles

Quiet!

Frasier

“We know for whom the bell tolls.”

Martin

Anybody else hear that?