A character in Frasier
Played by David Hyde Pierce
Frasier · 546 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Frasier: in 235 of its 546 quotes
Most scenes with: Frasier Crane (131), Martin Crane (35), Daphne Moon (25)
Niles realizes that students who coast through class are simply frustrated
So when Billy Kriezel tried to stuff you into your locker after math class, he wasn't really mad at you; he was mad at Pythagoras.
NilesWhich is ironic, because a simple volume equation would have shown him I couldn't fit.
Daphne has tripped over
What happened?
NilesOh, Daphne tripped on something and fell.
Where's Eddie? Oh my god, Eddie! Eddie! (Eddie runs into the scene and jumps on the couch) (Martin sighs of relief) Oh, there he is. I thought maybe he ran away or something.
NilesOh darling, look at that, your ankle's swelling up already. (Points to it)
It's the other one!
Here, let me give you a hand.
Yeah, and no cracks, old man! I know I've gotten heavy and I've resolved to do something about it.
All right, on three. One, two, three! (Martin and Niles lift without results) Maybe the super has a hand truck.
Kill me!
(enters) Good lord, what happened?
NilesDaphne twisted her ankle and fell. Come help us lift her.
Okay, boys, be careful. Use your legs. (The Crane men lift Daphne up)
Oh, bloody hell! I'm wearing two different shoes!
(Doorbell rings, Frasier goes to answer it, while Niles helps Daphne to her room)
Daphne, I just thought of somethin' funny: It took three Cranes to lift you!
Niles distracts William while Frasier speaks to his mother about Bryce Academy
NilesI overheard one of the servers discussing a one-act play he wants your mother to produce.
Okay, which one?
NilesI think it was something by Chekhov.
Wine-tasting at the wine club
NilesI'm getting oak with plummy overtones.
I'm getting screwed on alimony.
(Walks in) Niles, I want to talk to you.
NilesDad! What happened, is there something wrong?
You're damn right there is, it's about you and Frasier! (notices) Good God, you wear a sash?!
NilesFrasier sent you down here, didn't he?
(o.s. from above) No!
Frasier, get in here now!
Frasier shuffles in beside Niles. The following scene looks like a father dressing down two toddlers — a spectacle that both Frasier and Niles are desperate to avoid
Dad, this isn't necessary.
NilesYeah, we-we can talk about this some other time.
Zip it up, both of you! I just gave up the best meal of my life to come down here, so listen up. Niles, let your brother play.
NilesDad, this is not a game, this is a club, and Frasier broke the rules!
Technically, I-
Hold it! (To Niles) Well, then you write a new rule so that Frasier can come back.
First, I want an apology-
I said zip it!
NilesHe did, I heard him!
Don't get smart! Now, are you gonna let your brother play?
NilesDad-
Are you gonna let your brother play?
NilesWhy-
Are you gonna let your brother play?
NilesI-
Are you gonna let your brother play?
Niles(Gives in) Fine.
Am I gonna have any more trouble between you two?
(Humbly) No.
No, what?
No, sir.
Good. Now shake hands. (They do) That's more like it. Now if you don't mind, I've got a big plate of Gewürzplatzchen waiting for me at home with my name on it. (Leaves)
NilesUh, well, [chuckles] let's get back to the wine, shall we?
You got yelled at by your dad. (All the members laugh)
NilesWell, be that as it may-
Zip it! (Everyone laughs louder)
In the midst of the argument
NilesI can't read minds, you know. And by the way, neither can you!
Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?!
NilesNot if you thought I loved your cooking!
Well, I'm sorry it's not that hoity-toity crap you eat!
NilesWhat does that mean? You, you think I'm pretentious?
You'd eat a worm if I gave it a French name!
NilesWell fine! If that's the way you feel, maybe I'll just have dinner by myself! (Storms out of the apartment)
Well, good! It'll spare you the hell that's my cooking! (Heads back for her room)
Niles(Hurries back in through the door, Daphne turns back) I am so sorry! I love you so much! (Runs into Daphne's arms, they embrace) I didn't mean any of those things!
Yes you did. And I did too. You’re a pretentious snob, with your wine and your opera.
NilesYOU NEVER GIVE OPERA A CHANCE! You're too judgmental.
And you're a clean freak.
NilesWell...I hate your unicorn collection.
And I hate that your closet is bigger than mine!
NilesWell...you're too tall!
You're too short. (They kiss passionately)
NilesI'd hardly call this a dog park. (looks around) It's more like a dog...orgy. Whose beagles are those?
Don't stare. It only encourages them.
Niles, I'm sorry. It turns out Claire and I are going to Belize after all. You and Daphne will have to go some place else.
NilesWait. Daphne has her heart set to Belize.
Niles, this is not Cranes Go Caribbean! I want to be alone with Claire.
[Daphne knocks at the door of Niles's office]
NilesWell, this is an unexpected treat.
Niles, I have something to tell you.
NilesIs it that I am the sexiest man you've ever known?
No. I-I mean, yes, you are. That's not why I'm here.
Frasier quotes an injurious limerick about himself to Niles
"There once was a man, Frasier Crane / Who says he can feel your pain, / But he acts like a snob / To the guys at his job / And I think he's totally lame."
NilesThat's terrible! There's a tense shift, an approximate rhyme, the scansion leaves a lot to be desired…
Niles, you're missing the point!
Daphne has told Niles that as a child she could not pronounce her own name, so her family called her "Dappy"
NilesOh, Dad! You'll never guess what silly nickname Daphne was called as a child!
Is it worse than Piles?
Frasier and Niles are discussing their father, while the chair catches fire unnoticed
You know, I've been thinking of sending him someplace.
NilesLike to a resort?
Like to live with you.
NilesOh, yes. The last resort.
[Frasier is obsessing over the absence of one tape from his collection.]
That's it. I'm quirky. I'm delightfully quirky.
NilesDo you realize that your delightful quirk has brought your life to a standstill?
Niles, I've just finished my two thousandth show. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I believe that I am entitled to an entire weekend of doing nothing, don't you?
NilesDo you know you have your pyjamas on backwards?
Another delightful quirk of mine.
NilesNot from where I'm sitting.
[When Frasier gets a lead on a missing tape.]
I'll put on some pants.
Niles CraneZipper goes in front.
Niles[about Martin] You're a grown man. You're still scared of him.
Well, you're a grown man. You're still scared of him, too.
NilesYeah, well, at least I have a girlfriend.
Shut up.
This land is rich with snow- covered mountains, sun-kissed beaches, wild untamed rivers and a, a warm loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States, this America! (a large American flag drapes over his window)
NilesHow did you do that?
[enraged] Cam Winston!
[Frasier has just found out his mother was pregnant with him at her wedding.]
You knew?
NilesWell, do you remember that time I had the chickenpox? Mom told me to cheer me up.
Frasier CraneKelsey Grammer · 372 quotes
Martin CraneJohn Mahoney · 109 quotes
Daphne MoonJane Leeves · 77 quotes
Roz DoylePeri Gilpin · 75 quotes
Lilith SterninBebe Neuwirth · 12 quotes
BulldogDan Butler · 8 quotes
BebeHarriet Sansom Harris · 5 quotes
GilEdward Hibbert · 4 quotes
HarryBrian Cox · 4 quotes
KirbyBrian Klugman · 4 quotes
CharlotteLaura Linney · 3 quotes
CChelsea3 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Frasier pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.