Frasier Crane quotes from Frasier

Martin

[on the phone] No, no, the storm's really bad, you shouldn't be driving in it anyway. No, you just spend the night there. Right, goodnight, Daphne. [hangs up]

Frasier

You told her to spend the night?

Martin

Yeah, what's the problem?

Frasier

Well, you know how Niles feels about her.

Martin

Oh, relax. It's just another one of Niles's little crushes.

Frasier

Oh, I suppose you're right. Niles is harmless enough. Besides, he'd never try anything with Maris in the house.

Martin

Oh, Maris never made it back. She's stuck in Arizona.

Frasier

[jumps to his feet] I've gotta get Daphne out of there!

Martin

Why?

Frasier

Why?! My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a Gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!

Frasier

What's the matter with him?

Daphne

He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone, too. I think he suspects foul play.

Frasier

[to Eddie] Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!

Martin

I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny.

Frasier

How about Florida?

Martin

I heard that.

People seem to like this Lazyguy.

Frasier

Lazyguy, I wonder what they call the deluxe version. The Hopeless Slackass?

Frasier

The other day I was asked out by this twenty-two year old girl that I met in a mall.

Niles

That is alarming.

Frasier

Well, I turned her down.

Niles

No, no, you were in a mall. Did anyone see you?

Niles

The coulibiac of salmon at Guy Savoy, "Vissi d'arte" from Tosca, and the Côtes du Rhône Châteauneuf-du-Pape '47.

Frasier

You are so predictable!

Frasier

Niles, if Dad and I get into a Winnebago, only one of us will come out alive. You've got to come with us!

Niles

Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys; but this is an imposition.

Frasier

What we need is a good opening sentence. Something that will smack the reader right between the eyes, and then take him on a virtual roller-coaster ride of self-awareness and discovery.

Niles

Frasier, while you were over there, mixing metaphors like a Cuisinart, I've had a breakthrough.

Niles

My God, My God! I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!

Frasier

You stole my mommy!

Niles

I can't let it go! My nose is rubbed in it every day! *I'm* the one on the board of the Psychiatric Association, my research is well-respected in academic circles, four of my patients have been elected to political office, but it's your big fat face they put on the side of buses!

Frasier

... I do not have a fat face!

Martin

[To Frasier] Frasier, isn't there something you wanna say to your brother?

Frasier

Yes, Dad, I– I suppose there is. [To his brother] Niles, would you like a muffin? [Offers his brother a muffin on a plate. Niles becomes confused]

Martin

[To Frasier] [Angrily] Frasier!

Frasier

[Gives in] All right! [Puts the muffin on the plate back on the table. After a moment, he stands up] [To his brother] Niles– I'm sorry things didn't work out with the book. You have no reason to feel inferior to me. You're an accomplished psychiatrist, a decent man– and you stand second to no one.

Niles

Thank you, Frasier. [Stands up] The truth is, I've always looked up to you and– admired you.

Martin

[To his sons] All right, enough of this mushy girly stuff. Just shake hands, punch each other on the shoulder, and be done with it.

Frasier

[To his brother] Oh, what the heck.

Martin

[To himself] [Upset] Oh, geez!

Frasier

Well Dad, as you've often said, "If you can walk, you can work". Took sort of an ironic twist when you got shot in the hip!

Martin

Well, at least I had a real job! Half your listening audience hears voices already, the other half talks to themselves. If you don't show up, who's gonna notice?

Niles

Frasier, this pathetic attempt at reverse psychology is beneath you!

Frasier

Then you're not going to do my show?

Niles

No, I am going to do your show, and I'm going to do it better than you ever dreamed of doing it!

Frasier

I asked Dad to get me a bran muffin. You know what he said to me? "What's the magic word?"

Niles

You're kidding.

Frasier

He didn't think it was very amusing when I said, "Rest home!"

Niles

Maddening!

Frasier

What is it now?

Niles

They have a new moisturizer dispenser in the men's room, and the cream is entirely too oily, so I had to rewash my hands, and wouldn't you know it, that is when the hot-air hand dryer decides to break down!

Frasier

How do you get through the day?