Frasier Crane quotes from Frasier

Your wife is really lucky.

Frasier

Well, I'm sure she'd say the same thing, especially now that our marriage is over.

Frasier

You know, Niles, maybe you should have that Martini after all.

Niles

I can't, Frasier; I'm driving.

Frasier

[still reading the menu] Not any more; they just towed your car.

Frasier

The thought of a doctor selling things is kind of distasteful, isn't it?

Daphne

What about Dr Sneezy's cold medicine?

Frasier

Dr Sneezy is a cartoon character. The fact that he's a giant purple hippopotamus probably should have tipped you off.

Niles

Let's face it, Frasier, you talk about wanting to safeguard your professional dignity, but the first time you went on the air, you got out of medicine and into show biz. You're no different from that movie star who let everybody look up her skirt in that film, and then did nothing but complain that nobody took her seriously as an actress.

Frasier

Well, that has nothing to do with this!

Niles

Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video and, I don't mind telling you, we pushed our beds together that night! [pause] And that was no mean feat. Her room, as you know, is across the hall.

Frasier

Oh my God! This is unbelievable! A man has quit his job because of a rumor that you spread!

Roz

Me? The whole point of gossip is to talk behind the person's back, not in front of them; I didn't realize you were unclear on this concept!

Frasier

Roz, why is it that whenever we try to have a serious discussion, we always end up talking about your sex life?

Roz

[smugly] Because I have one.

Did you know he had less than 10 percent body fat on him?

Frasier

My goodness. Has anybody checked to see if he's really dead?

Frasier

I'm having a young lady over on Friday night. I was hoping that maybe you could take Dad out for me.

Niles

Oh, I wish you'd said Saturday.

Frasier

Why? You have plans Friday?

Niles

No, I have plans Saturday.

Bulldog

Hey, T.J.! How was it, man?

It was horrible! They're like sharks in a feeding frenzy! The one who bought me had this crazed look in her eye!

Roz

Where do I pay?

Frasier

Roz!

Roz

I saw what I wanted and I went after it!

Frasier

[showing Martin around the station] Now, don't touch that! It's a very sophisticated piece of electronic equipment!

Martin

What is it?

Frasier

I have no idea. Roz told me never to touch it!

Frasier

Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.

Lilith

What do you mean by "celebrity"?

Frasier

[darkly] Oh, they know you!

Frasier

Roz, what exactly does "call screening" mean?

Roz

[smugly] It means I get to put on the air the calls I want to hear.

Frasier

Do you wanna bag dinner?

Lilith

There's a bed and an honor bar, what more do we need?

Frasier

Come to me, my white-hot flame!

Lilith

I was insane to divorce you!

Frasier

You're in my every waking thought!

Lilith

You're the only man I've ever loved!

Frasier

So are you!

Niles

Just bear in mind: she can't have shellfish, poultry, red meat, saturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulphites, MSG or dairy... Did I say nuts?

Frasier

Oh, I think that's implied!