Frasier Crane quotes from Frasier

Well, it was actually given to me...by God.

Frasier

By GOD? Do you believe this guy's grandiosity? I'm God, and he knows it!

Frasier

You know how hard it is to lie to someone's face.

Roz

Oh, no, it's easy for someone as bright and charming and articulate as you.

Frasier

Well, then, perhaps you're right.

Roz

See how easy it is.

Roz

God, you look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet.

Frasier

Yes, well I was up 'til all hours of the night with Daphne, competing to see which of us has the more pathetic love life. On the bright side, I won.

Martin

One minute it's just a blob in some lady's stomach, the next minute it's a person. Blob... Person.

Frasier

The miracle of birth, summed up in one poetic phrase.

Frasier

He caught on fire?

Niles

It was not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames.

Niles

[sniffs around Daphne] Is that "Forbidden"?

Frasier

In every sense of the word!

Martin

To Duke's!

To Duke's!

Frasier

[to Duke] Two more!

Roz

What? You're turning down a hospital?

Frasier

Don't look at me that way.

Roz

Hey, I'm with you. I hate the way those whiny sick people are always nagging you for things. "I want a magazine!" "I want a kidney!"

Daphne

It makes me glad we don't have so many guns in England.

Frasier

You don't need guns: you got kidney pie.

Niles

Can you tell me, with any certainty, that in such a vast universe there isn't intelligent life on other planets?

Frasier

At the moment, I'm not sure there's intelligent life in this kitchen.

Martin

Hester was a psychiatrist, so every now and again the department would have her run up a profile on a suspect. I remember the first time I met her. It was over the chalk outline of a murder victim. She drew a little smile on the head of the outline, and I drew a pair of eyes, and before you knew it we were laughing like a couple of kids.

Frasier

Dad, you're a ghoul.

Martin

I was joking. We couldn't draw on the outline. They hadn't moved the body yet.

Lilith

Brian is a seismologist at MIT.

Frasier

Oh, well, that's perfect: Brian being a seismologist, and you having so many faults.

Niles

I can't go in there and talk to him. If the coward turns his back on me, I'll attack him again!

Frasier

No you won't. You're not a child any more. Now come with me: I'm taking you to the bathroom!

Frasier

Who's next, Roz?

Roz

If you ask me, it's divorced people you want to watch out for. If someone's never been married, it might just mean they're a careful shopper, whereas your divorcé will buy any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first.

Frasier

The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been-married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana!

Frasier

It's the archetypal male bonding ritual.

Niles

Couldn't we just go to the woods, kill something and have done with it?