Frasier Crane quotes from Frasier

Frasier

I would think by now that you'd know my policy on fix-ups.

Daphne

She's pretty, she's lonely and she's an underwear model.

Frasier

So you do know my policy. Off we go!

Niles

Do you know what that means?

Frasier

(ruefully) Yes! We’re going to hear what Mendelssohn’s Wedding March sounds like on the banjo!

Frasier

You know, Dad, I think it all hearkens back to the puritanical streak that still runs through this country. What do you think?

Martin

There's a yakkety-yak streak that runs through this family.

Frasier

You signed with Bebe?

Roz

Okay, I know, I should've told you. I just wasn't in the mood for one of your lectures.

Frasier

I'm not going to give you a lecture. You're entitled to choose whomever you wish to represent you. Someone who's honest, or a woman whose ethics would've raised eyebrows in the court of Caligula!

Frasier

(Pours three glasses) Well, this may come as a small consolation to you, but I believe that you each have a lot of work to do to catch up to me in the failed romance department. Divorced twice, left at the altar once. (They down their glasses)

Martin

(Pours another three glasses) Well, I haven't exactly been burning things up lately. Things with Sherry fizzled, then Sleeping Beauty tonight. I think maybe I deserve the booby prize. (They down their glasses)

Niles

I'll challenge you. (Pours another three glasses) Fifteen years with Maris; I end up in bed with her lover.

Martin

Geez- I don't need to hear that!

Niles

No, no- it was an accident; it was pitch dark- I thought it was Maris.

Frasier

It's a natural mistake. What tipped you off?

Niles

The heat from her side of the bed! (They all laugh)

Frasier

Well, I think we have a three-way tie. Here's to the Crane Boys - love's big losers. (They clink glasses and down them)

Niles

You know, I said I needed closure. (Removes his wedding ring) I won't have it till I do one more thing. (Goes to the balcony)

Frasier

Now be careful, Niles, from this height that can hurt somebody. (He and Martin follow Niles to the balcony)

Niles

All clear. (Throws his ring off the balcony) Goodbye, Maris! You hurt me for the last time! (Goes back inside)

Martin

Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there? (Niles turns around, comes back to the balcony and looks down) Oh well, good body shop will be able to pound that out.

Frasier

Well, it's Saturday night. Here we are, again.

Martin

Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date?

Niles

Thousands. Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate ourselves.

Frasier

(shouts) Well, come and get us, Seattle! Three Cranes, no waiting!

Martin

We're desperate!

Frasier

We're ludicrous!

Niles

We're pathetic! (All three laugh to themselves before quieting down and staring, pensively, from the balcony. The emotional scene fades out.)

You are not the Crane I want!

Frasier

You're not even the sex I want!

Niles

I grant you, she's comely, but don't you find her a tad - what would the polite euphemism be - stupid?

Frasier

Niles, she's just unschooled, like Eliza Doolittle. Find her the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a ball in no time.

Niles

Leave it to you to put the "pig" back in Pygmalion.

Frasier

Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back.

Niles

Oh, so that explains why blood was pouring from all my faucets this morning.

Frasier

Go easy on her. Her husband has left her, and get this...for a man!

Niles

Damn! I owe Dad five dollars!

Martin

I can't believe because of your big mouth, Zora won't even let me in her restaurant!

Frasier

Forcing you to go elsewhere when you have one of your frequent cravings for stuffed grape leaves and zither music!

Niles

It's a moot point. We're out of the family, thanks to Frasier's more-than-usually inept advice.

Martin

Can you imagine what it's like to live in the same city as your brother, and not see him for five years?

Frasier

No, but I'd like to give it a try.

Niles

[regarding their aunt Zora] Don't you remember the family legend that when Hitler invaded Greece, she joined the partisans just so she could strangle Nazis?

Frasier

I have never believed that! She would have been five years old at the time!

Niles

That's why the legends says they were strangled with jump-ropes.

Roz

I can't work with a guy that handsome... No offense.

Frasier

Oh, none taken. Granted, when it comes to the looks department, Dr. Webber and I aren't in the same—

Roz

Species?

Frasier

Well, I was going to say "league," but species is so much more insulting.

Gil

I must admit, I didn't notice he was all that handsome.

Roz

You didn't notice? You of all people?

Gil

Just what are you insinuating?

Roz

Well, you know... you're a little...

Gil

For your information, I happen to be a happily married man.

Frasier

You're... married?

Bulldog

To a woman?

Gil

Of course to a woman! Well, you've all heard me mention Deb. How many times have I said, "I must run along now, Deb will be waiting!"

Roz

We thought Deb was your cat.

Gil

She is not a cat! She is Mrs. Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a Sarah Lawrence graduate, and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop! Honestly, the conclusions people make just because a man dresses well, and knows how to use a pastry bag! [exits in a huff]

Frasier

Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man "in" himself.

Frasier

Niles, what have we determined about your success with…impulse purchases?

Niles

Really? The salesman thought I could pull it off.

Frasier

My suggestion exactly.

Frasier

Aw Thanks, Dad.

Martin

Hey I'm no hero, I just wanted you to shut up.