Frasier Crane quotes from Frasier

Martin

Back then, there was no place like Frisco for a single guy cruising the streets looking for a good time.

Frasier

You know Dad, I think you'll find Frisco hasn't changed all that much.

Niles

Paid a fortune for it, but legend says whatever you pray for on this rug will come to you.

Frasier

Certainly worked for the dealer.

Frasier

What is wrong with me? Why can't I find a single woman who's interested in me?

Roz

Those are two different questions, really, so we should just sit down and talk them both over. Oh, wait, I can't, BECAUSE I'M IN LABOR!

Niles

I'm seeing her again tonight, so you'll understand if I'm a little bit drained tomorrow during our squash game. My lovemaking can get slightly athletic.

Frasier

Which is more than can be said for your squash game.

Martin

Duke said, in the finale the whole cast skates to the top of this ramp, and then Splat! Right into a tank of whipped cream. Bet they don't do that at your opera.

Frasier

No, and Mozart's still kicking himself.

Martin

Can't wait. Where are we going, anyway?

Niles

Well... (closes the door)

Frasier

Hello, I'd like to order a large pizza, please. What toppings? Just a second. (Martin returns) Dad, what d'you want on your pizza?

Kenny

Since I fired you, I haven't been able to eat or sleep.

Frasier

Kenny, it's only been an hour and a half.

Frasier

I am going to get another job. The people of this city need me. I'm a beloved Seattle institution.

Martin

(to Niles) A couple more days like this, he's gonna be in a beloved Seattle institution.

Roz

Frasier, it's all in how you look at things. Look at my life...

Frasier

[crying] No career, no relationship, no hope!

Roz

You can say the same thing about me.

Frasier

I was talking about you!

Frasier

Tonight, I'll be coming back home and spending the evening with Daphne, doing some light housework and listening to my new book on tape: “Depression, Anxiety and Death” as read by the author himself, Stanislav Monk.

Daphne

Now who's cursed?!

Frasier

Niles, there is another way.

Niles

You don't mean...

Frasier

Yes. I know it's a calculated risk. It is a little uncertain.

Niles

You can't be serious. It's unthinkable.

Frasier

Niles, what other choice do we have?

Niles

But the indignity, it reeks of desperation.

Martin

Now, now, before you do anything desperate, at least go stand in the cancellation line.

Niles

What did he think we were talking about?

Niles

I haven't held a cigarette since I played Duke Mantee in our junior high production of The Petrified Forest.

Frasier

Yes, I remember watching you from the petrified audience.

Frasier

Sometimes the best apology is the truth.

Niles

You mean you're going to tell her you thought she was prostituting herself for therapy but now you've decided that's OK?

Frasier

(pause) Well, not that truth. Some other truth!

Niles

I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal!

Frasier

And I won't be!

You found a dead seal?

Frasier

Yes.

And it was wearing a peignior?

Frasier

Now that's ludicrous. We put the pegnoir on it!