Frasier Crane quotes from Frasier

Roz

"There's someone outside that window!"

Frasier

"Why, yes, Ms. Thorndyke, it appears to be"...[cues organ music, but calliope music plays instead]... the ice cream truck!

Frasier

My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet, I'm catnip!

Niles

I think I feel a furball coming up.

Roz

Well, I think hugging is very healthy. I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.

Frasier

Well, in that case you should outlive Styrofoam!

Niles

Oh, now, Maris. (phone beeps) Wait, hold on a second, it’s my other line. (switches lines) Hello?

Frasier

(using his landline) Get the hell off the phone!

Niles

Let's say you are the supreme ruler of Heaven and Earth. What would you do?

Frasier

(glances at Eddie) Well, for starters I'd issue a recall on some of my lesser species!

Frasier

I just can't picture Maris in Dad's '82 Impala.

Niles

Neither could she, at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty, and she liked it. I was her first bad boy.

Wow, she's a beaut! Marty and I are gonna be spending a lot more time here.

Frasier

It's a gift that keeps on giving(!)

Frasier

Let me guess... Lady Godiva?

No, Eve, from the Bible.

Frasier

Well, now I know why they call it "The Good Book".

Frasier

Morning, Roz!

Roz

[annoyed] Frasier! What are you doing here?

Frasier

Oh, I realize it must be a shock to see me here in this place I come to every day of my life.

Frasier

Hey, Dad, what are you doing here?

Martin

Oh, Sherry took her sister to that store across the street to buy some "foundation garments."

Frasier

I think they call them "bras" now.

Martin

Not these, you don't. You could cross the River Kwai on one of those babies.

Frasier

Well, one does hear tales of a certain wise man in Tibet, but why split hairs? (signs autograph, exit fan) Where was I?

Niles

You were last seen hiking up Mount Ego.

Frasier

Daphne, get this canine sprinkler out of here!

Daphne

Now, don't be too cross with him, Dr. Crane. As my Mum used to say: “There’ll be no dogs in Hell.”

Frasier

I sincerely doubt that!

Buenas noches. ¿Hablas español?

Roz

Uh, not really.

Is no matter. I'm sure you are schooled in the... international language.

Frasier

Yes, Roz. Say something amusing in Esperanto(!)

Frasier

You didn't tell him you were pregnant before the date?

Roz

Well, it's not the easiest thing in the world to tell someone. Besides, I was hoping my radiant glow would do the talking for me.

Frasier

Your "glow." Oh please, Roz. Do you ever think that anyone... could miss your radiant glow?

Roz

So I tell him, and he says "Fine, it's not a problem." Five minutes later, he tells me his pager is vibrating. He has an emergency. He has to go to work.

Frasier

Well, maybe he was telling the truth.

Roz

He sells wicker furniture. Who needs their end tables re-caned at 9:30 at night?

Frasier

You know, it's funny; as much as I care for this woman, there's something about this relationship that leaves me vaguely unsettled.

Niles

I might venture a theory at which you're sure to hoot. What may be making you uncomfortable is that for the first time you find yourself in the more…submissive rôle.

Frasier

What on God's earth are you talking about?

Daphne

I think what he means is: you're the girl!