Oh, no, not me. I'm a pushover.
I'll just agree to everything.
You're good. It's ringing.
[[Jemaine shoots Bret a dirty look and answers the phone]
Hello? Yes, I'm calling on behalf of my band... Uh, there's two of us... Non-smoking... Cool, yeah... Um... Yeah, 8:30's fine... [to Bret] Herbert... 8:30... [to the phone] Thank you, yes, I'm looking forward to it. Thank you.
No, I just made a reservation for two at 8:30. You should call, I think.
[[Bret dials the phone]
[to Jemaine] No-one can understand me. [to the person over the phone] Hi, I'm wondering if you have any gigs available?... Wondering if you have any gigs available?... Gigs. Gigs. For a band?... Yeah... A band. We're a band. A band?... Yeah. Uh... A- a bowl of tuna salad?... Great, okay, um... it's Bret. B... [He pronounces "r" as "ah"] R... R... R... R!... R!!!...
[quietly] There's too many "r" s...
R- Ah-rr... E-T. Yes... That's... OK, that's good.
Yes, Jemaine is the other guy. Jemaine. Jemaine. Ah, don't- don't worry, just- just use my name... You'll meet him tonight.
[Leans over to look at Bret's cup] What's that?
Yeah. I got a new cup. Do you like it?
I know, we've got one cup. We needed two cups.
Why would we need two cups?
So I can have a cup of tea at the same time as you.
Bret, do you even pay any attention to the cup roster?
Your cup roster? That means I can't drink a cup of tea between seven and nine P.M.
Well, I have it until nine o'clock and then you get it for two hours. Then I use it from eleven 'till one... Then you use it from one 'till three—
I know, but I have to wait until one if I want another cup.
...And then we give the cup a rest.
Yeah, I thought that was quite good.
[sighs] Okay, well, I just need a second to calm down.
...Well that's alright, isn't it?
[One Month Later]
Our check for the phone bill bounced. Says here, in our bank statement, that our account was short... By $2... and 79 cents... How much was that cup again?
[smugly] Oh? That's quite interesting, isn't it? ...Well, because our check bounced we got charged a $30 overdraft fee. Which made our gas bill bounce.
Yes, but the point is because of your $2.79 spending spree, we now owe $60, and our phone and gas are gonna be cut off.
[sarcastically] Interesting.
[All of the lights go out]
Ah. We got a letter from the electricity company.
Bret, you should have a guitar.
I sold it to pay the bills.
You can't go on like that! Won't it sound weird with just the big guitar that Jemaine plays?
Bass. It's called a bass guitar.
Well, I call it the '"Dad guitar" 'cause it's more like [deep voice] "Da da da da - I'm your Dad. Hey Murray, get into the shed and get the mower and do the lawns - de de de." You need Bret's "Mum guitar" to add the beautiful tones. [high voice] "Come on, darling, Murray's okay. Why you get home so late, Gordon?" [deep voice] "I was just havin' a few beers."
It won't sound fine, Bret, you've got no guitar! [Bret plays his air guitar] I can hardly hear it! You'd have to be deaf to hear that.
[Murray has told the band that their lack of a guitar has given them bad reviews]
Can we use the emergency band funds to get my guitar back?
Well that's... Actually tied up in an investment at the moment.
It's a friend of mine from Nigeria, Nigel Soladu.
When did you go to Nigeria?
Well, I didn't go. That's the best bit, Jemaine. He just randomly sent me an internet letter, offering me a business opportunity. And I went with it. In a few days time, he'll return the money I invested, plus 1000% interest [Bret and Jemaine shake their heads in disbelief] and a share in his family fortunes.
[Outraged] It is not a scam! Why would someone want to scam me, Jemaine!? And on the internet service, one of the trusted... things of today's society!
[Brett has informed Murray that Jemaine is prostituting himself. A middle-aged African gentleman in a suit, who has been sitting quietly behind Murray the the entire time, tuts disapprovingly]
Jemaine shouldn't be doing this.
MMan
Indeed, he should not.
Well... [to Murray] Murray, who's... who's this guy?
Oh, this is Nigel Soladu. He's my new business partner.
[Surprised] From the internet?
Yes! Can you imagine it? Out of the hundreds of people using he internet, only I was willing to help him.
Oh, you're like a samurai, like a massage samurai.
Oh I feel like I've hired a gigolo. Haha! I'm just kidding I would never hire— I mean I would. [turns to jemaine] I would, I would pay you so much money... That's not who I am, that's not what I'm about. Heh, I'm joking. I'm not. I am. I'm not.
Oh, I've got another note here. "Dissing" — does that make any sense to you?
Bret dissed a lot of people in that rap thing that he did.
Who were these people you were dissing? The only one I could make out was Snoopy! What's your problem with him?
Yeah, I know he's a dog, Bret. I'm not totally in the dark ages. I do go out every once in a while. But, Snoopy's lovable! Leave him alone.
No, he's a rapper. They're all rappers. I was dissing rappers.
Well, just keep your dissing private, okay?
Bret?... Bret?... Bret?... Bret!
[Bret wakes with a start and sits bolt upright, hands ready to karate chop someone]
Please don't chop off my penis!
[Phone rings] Hello. Bret speaking.
Bret, it's Jemaine speaking.
Oh, hey, man. Where are you? Did you run away?
No, I went home with a girl.
Bret... I think she might be Australian.
Are you sure she's Australian?
Either she's Australian, or sh-she really likes Australia.
Ugh! You gotta get outta there! Just get outta there!
I-I'm locked in, she's trapped me.
I'm not surprised... Okay, erm... Keep calm, jump out of the window.
Good idea... Oh, it's too high!
Okay, well do one of those dive rolls... When you land.
AGAussie girl
[strong Aussie accent] G'day.
AGAussie girl
Jesus... Got a tongue like a badger's arsehole. What'cha doing there, big J?
Just talking to a friend of mine.
[over the phone] Don't talk to her! She's definitely Australian...
I'm not sure I got your name.
AGAussie girl
It's Keitha.
Yeah, it's like Keith. But with an 'a' at the end. I was named after mi'dad.
Keitha, that's a lovely name...
So, how about we go back to bed?
Definitely don't do that!
Uhm... [Exhales deeply] ...No, I can't.
Would you be able to... unlock the door?
I would never go out with an Australian!
But if you were to, I would be fine with it.
When I first met you you tried to have me deported from New Zealand because you thought I was an Australian.
That was a misunderstanding; you were wearing a vest top.
My mum gave me that; thought it made me look like Bruce Willis.
Well it didn't, it made you look like an Australian.
