Murray Hewitt quotes from Flight of the Conchords

Murray

[To Jemaine] I've told you. When you are in a band, you don't get with your bandmate's girlfriend. Past or present.

Jemaine

Yes, well, thanks for that.

Murray

You get a love triangle, you know, a Fleetwood Mac situation. Although there was four of them, so more of a love square. But you know, no-one gets on.

Jemaine

Ok, I see.

Murray

Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then.

Bret

Rumours.

Murray

No. No, it's all true.

Murray

Alright, Item 3. Now if one of the band members was to have a girlfriend, would you find that... A: Very Positive; B: Positive...

Mel

Why do... why do you ask?

Murray

No reason.

Mel

Has Bret got a girlfriend?

Murray

Yes. He's seeing a girl from work. Coco.

Mel

[snaps the tip of her pencil, twitches nervously, then recovers] Oh... heh. Wow. Well that's great that Bret has a girlfriend. That's really great.

Murray

You don't think that Bret's any less available now that he's...

Mel

Oh no... heh. Is she pretty?

Murray

You're still interested in the band then? Even though...

Mel

Yes, it's nice for Bret to have a girlfriend.

Murray

Good.

Mel

Yes.

Murray

Alright. You're sure?

Mel

Yes! [chuckles] Is she stupid?

Murray

You've still got Jemaine anyway. And he's always available, isn't he? He's not gonna... not gonna get a girlfriend any time soon, so...

Mel

Just ummm...

Murray

Try your chances with him, can't you?

Mel

Mmmhmm. Does... does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? A bit?

Murray

A little bit. 'Round the eyes.

Mel

Oh yeah? Big eyes, huh?

Murray

Well she's... she's got eyes.

Bret

Why'd you say that? She's nothing like Yoko.

Jemaine

Ono, she isn't

Murray

Jemaine, you're putting "oh no" together to sound like "Ono."

Jemaine

Ono, I didn't.

Murray

You did it again!

Jemaine

Ono, did I?

Jemaine

It's not a cleaning cupboard, it's an apartment. It's my studio apartment.

Murray

More like a 'compartment'.

Murray

Jemaine?

Jemaine

...Present.

Murray

Bret?

Bret

Yep.

Murray

And Murray... yes, present, thank you... I'm always here anyway, I don't know why I bother with my line.

Murray

[Referring to music producer Quincy Jones] What are some albums that he's produced, Bret?

Bret

Michael Jackson's "Off The Wall"?.

Murray

Yeah....woah! I'll say he is....He's crazy, off the planet. Isn't he gonna freeze himself?

Murray

Okay, band meeting. Murray, present. Bret, present. Jemaine, present. Alright, I haven't got time for your time-wasting. I have good news, I have booked our biggest tour ever.

Bret

The Grand Canyon one?

Jemaine

Well, it wouldn't have to be that big to be our biggest tour ever.

Murray

I'm so angry, I feel like swearing.

Bret

Oh, Murray, you wouldn't swear at us.

Murray

Go fuck yourself, Bret!

Murray

You're telling me that this is all a joke...

Jemaine

Well not a joke...

Murray

...organized by a couple of jesters? Is this you is it?: "Oh let's do a jest - a great big lark in the courtyard of the king and see how he takes it". Is it?

Bret

Todd's not cool.

Murray

What do you mean? He's cooler than both of you put together. Look at him over there with all his friends. He's like the Pied Piper of cool. Pied Piper was cool wasn't he?

Bret

Pied Piper wasn't cool, he took all those kids into a cave.

Murray

No, I mean before that phase; when it was just the rats.

Murray

Bret, could you get a pencil out of my stationery cabinet, please?

Bret

Where's that?

Murray

Just the glove box.

Murray

Bret, you should have a guitar.

Bret

I sold it to pay the bills.

Murray

You can't go on like that! Won't it sound weird with just the big guitar that Jemaine plays?

Jemaine

Bass. It's called a bass guitar.

Murray

Well, I call it the '"Dad guitar" 'cause it's more like [deep voice] "Da da da da - I'm your Dad. Hey Murray, get into the shed and get the mower and do the lawns - de de de." You need Bret's "Mum guitar" to add the beautiful tones. [high voice] "Come on, darling, Murray's okay. Why you get home so late, Gordon?" [deep voice] "I was just havin' a few beers."

Bret

It'll sound fine.

Murray

It won't sound fine, Bret, you've got no guitar! [Bret plays his air guitar] I can hardly hear it! You'd have to be deaf to hear that.

Bret

Can we use the emergency band funds to get my guitar back?

Murray

Well that's... Actually tied up in an investment at the moment.

Jemaine

What's this investment?

Murray

It's a friend of mine from Nigeria, Nigel Soladu.

Jemaine

When did you go to Nigeria?

Murray

Well, I didn't go. That's the best bit, Jemaine. He just randomly sent me an internet letter, offering me a business opportunity. And I went with it. In a few days time, he'll return the money I invested, plus 1000% interest [Bret and Jemaine shake their heads in disbelief] and a share in his family fortunes.

Jemaine

It's a scam.

Murray

[Outraged] It is not a scam! Why would someone want to scam me, Jemaine!? And on the internet service, one of the trusted... things of today's society!

Murray

Jemaine shouldn't be doing this.

Indeed, he should not.

Bret

Well... [to Murray] Murray, who's... who's this guy?

Murray

Oh, this is Nigel Soladu. He's my new business partner.

Bret

[Surprised] From the internet?

Murray

Yes! Can you imagine it? Out of the hundreds of people using he internet, only I was willing to help him.

Murray

Oh, I've got another note here. "Dissing" — does that make any sense to you?

Jemaine

Bret dissed a lot of people in that rap thing that he did.

Murray

Who were these people you were dissing? The only one I could make out was Snoopy! What's your problem with him?

Bret

No, Snoop Dogg.

Murray

Yeah, I know he's a dog, Bret. I'm not totally in the dark ages. I do go out every once in a while. But, Snoopy's lovable! Leave him alone.

Bret

No, he's a rapper. They're all rappers. I was dissing rappers.

Murray

Well, just keep your dissing private, okay?