Jemaine quotes from Flight of the Conchords

Jemaine

[Trying to stop Sally from dumping him] I'm usually more charismatic than this.

Jemaine

[as David Bowie] Wear the eye patch, Bret, wear the funky, funky eye patch.

Murray

[To Jemaine] I've told you. When you are in a band, you don't get with your bandmate's girlfriend. Past or present.

Jemaine

Yes, well, thanks for that.

Murray

You get a love triangle, you know, a Fleetwood Mac situation. Although there was four of them, so more of a love square. But you know, no-one gets on.

Jemaine

Ok, I see.

Murray

Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then.

Bret

Rumours.

Murray

No. No, it's all true.

Jemaine

Hey, Bret, I think I know where I went wrong.

Bret

Hmm?

Jemaine

I think I know where I went wrong last night.

Bret

Yeah?

Jemaine

Yeah, Sally wanted to leave when you turned the light on. I think she found it weird - the whole thing with you there with the - with the light ... on.

Bret

Yeah, I think it might also be because she and I used to go out.

Jemaine

Yeah. It's 'cause you and her used to go out, but also because of the thing with the light. She's thinking, "Oh this is a nice situation." But then, "Ugh, who-- who turned on the light?"

Bret

Yeah. Yeah, maybe. But I think it's mainly because her and I used to go out... for like six months.

Jemaine

Yeah, well -- yeah, it's mainly because you used to go out, but also mainly because of the whole situation with the light.

Bret

Yeah, but the last thing you want to see when you're hooking up is your ex in the same room.

Jemaine

Yeah, and you also don't want to be startled by a light, do you?

The job is you have to hold up this sign and you have to make sure it points in the right direction. Now, does that sound like something you can do?

Jemaine

Sounds like something a lamppost could do. That's all but you just never thought of it before.

You know what you're sign material this guy over thinks things OK You can't over think in this business, you cannot. What if the wind comes, and blows it away, you ever think of that Enrico Fermi?

Bret

Oh we can hold it, it won't be a problem.

You have the right attitude, you have what I like to call the wrong attitude.

Jemaine

I can't believe you got that job and I didn't.

Bret

You know, you've got to work on your people skills.

Jemaine

Yeah, shut up, Bret.

What is this? Why does this phone have a camera glued to it?

Bret

It's a camera phone. Jemaine wanted one for his birthday.

[To other mugger] Look at this. [To Bret] Oh yeah? Where'd you get it?

Bret

I made it. It's homemade.

Yeah, it's a piece of shit.

Bret

Well, how come Jemaine likes it so much?

Jemaine

You can have it.

Mel

Oh my God. Jemaine, are you okay?

Jemaine

Yeah.

Mel

You're out? Did the cops try to strip search you?

Jemaine

No.

Mel

Did they find anything?

Jemaine

No, they didn't strip search me.

Mel

Oh, I--I thought you said they did.

Jemaine

No.

Mel

Oh, well, did any of your cellmates, you know, rape you in the a--

Jemaine

No. No no no.

Mel

Oh good, good. Cause if—if I was a convict, you know, and I was in a cell with a pretty boy like you, I would definitely wait till lights out, put my hand over your mouth—

Jemaine

I've gotta—I've gotta go.

Jemaine

[after following Bret and Coco onto a bus] Bret.

Bret

[surprised] Hey man, what are you doing here?

Jemaine

Murray and I missed you and we want you to rejoin the band again.

Bret

Really?

Jemaine

Yeah, on one condition, that you... [makes hand to throat gesture and points at Coco]

Bret

I'm not gonna kill her, man.

Jemaine

No just leave - just leave her, not...

Bret

Oh, no, I'm not gonna leave her, I told you that. You know, I like the band but, no, I'm not leaving Coco.

I wouldn't mind, I mean if that's what you really want.

Bret

Shush baby.

I-I don't really see us as a long-term...

Bret

Shush.

Jemaine

So what's it gonna be Bret, the girl or the band?

Bret

Well, it’s gonna be Coco.

Jemaine

Oh, are you sure?

Bret

Yeah.

Jemaine

Oh, I thought you - I was sure you were gonna say the band.

Bret

[Shakes head] No I'm staying with Coco.

Jemaine

[sighs] I guess you can still be in the band.

Bret

Okay, yeah all right.

Jemaine

Okay.

Bret

Cool.

Jemaine

Okay, well I'll see you later. [gets up to leave]

Bret

I'll see you at band practice.

Jemaine

[sits down again] Actually I'm gonna wait until the bus stops and then I'll get off.

Jemaine

[fake coughing] Yoko!

Bret

What'd you say?

Jemaine

Oh, nothing, just had a bit of a cough.

Bret

Oh. Okay.

Jemaine

No, it wasn't a real cough. I said Yoko.

Bret

Why'd you say that? She's nothing like Yoko.

Jemaine

Ono, she isn't

Murray

Jemaine, you're putting "oh no" together to sound like "Ono."

Jemaine

Ono, I didn't.

Murray

You did it again!

Jemaine

Ono, did I?

Jemaine

It's not a cleaning cupboard, it's an apartment. It's my studio apartment.

Murray

More like a 'compartment'.

Murray

Jemaine?

Jemaine

...Present.

Murray

Bret?

Bret

Yep.

Murray

And Murray... yes, present, thank you... I'm always here anyway, I don't know why I bother with my line.

Jemaine

[as David Bowie] So, you showed your penis to the man from the greeting card company.

Bret

That was your idea.

I didn't mean something like that, I only meant something like... I don't know, wear make-up, or—

Bret

Yeah, I was wearing make-up... I had lightning bolts on my wanger.

I meant on your face, Bret... On your face.

Bret

Can I please have a look at the lyrics? [Looks at notepad] This is another one of your weird songs, man.

Jemaine

In what way?

Bret

What's that about 'Sometimes I put a wig on you when we're on tour'?

Jemaine

Put a wig on you? No. It didn't say anything like that.

Bret

That's definitely a bit gay.

Jemaine

What is?

Bret

Putting a wig on me while I'm asleep.

Jemaine

I think, sometimes you hear what you wanna hear. It wouldn't be gay to put a wig on a man and pretend they're a woman. How could that be gay if you're pretending they're a woman? Not that I did it.