A character in Flight of the Conchords
Played by Bret McKenzie
Flight of the Conchords · 53 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Flight of the Conchords: in 40 of its 53 quotes
Most scenes with: Jemaine (33), Murray Hewitt (14), Dave (2)
[To Jemaine] I've told you. When you are in a band, you don't get with your bandmate's girlfriend. Past or present.
Yes, well, thanks for that.
You get a love triangle, you know, a Fleetwood Mac situation. Although there was four of them, so more of a love square. But you know, no-one gets on.
Ok, I see.
Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then.
BretRumours.
No. No, it's all true.
Hey, Bret, I think I know where I went wrong.
BretHmm?
I think I know where I went wrong last night.
BretYeah?
Yeah, Sally wanted to leave when you turned the light on. I think she found it weird - the whole thing with you there with the - with the light ... on.
BretYeah, I think it might also be because she and I used to go out.
Yeah. It's 'cause you and her used to go out, but also because of the thing with the light. She's thinking, "Oh this is a nice situation." But then, "Ugh, who-- who turned on the light?"
BretYeah. Yeah, maybe. But I think it's mainly because her and I used to go out... for like six months.
Yeah, well -- yeah, it's mainly because you used to go out, but also mainly because of the whole situation with the light.
BretYeah, but the last thing you want to see when you're hooking up is your ex in the same room.
Yeah, and you also don't want to be startled by a light, do you?
The job is you have to hold up this sign and you have to make sure it points in the right direction. Now, does that sound like something you can do?
Sounds like something a lamppost could do. That's all but you just never thought of it before.
You know what you're sign material this guy over thinks things OK You can't over think in this business, you cannot. What if the wind comes, and blows it away, you ever think of that Enrico Fermi?
BretOh we can hold it, it won't be a problem.
You have the right attitude, you have what I like to call the wrong attitude.
I can't believe you got that job and I didn't.
BretYou know, you've got to work on your people skills.
Yeah, shut up, Bret.
What is this? Why does this phone have a camera glued to it?
BretIt's a camera phone. Jemaine wanted one for his birthday.
[To other mugger] Look at this. [To Bret] Oh yeah? Where'd you get it?
BretI made it. It's homemade.
Yeah, it's a piece of shit.
BretWell, how come Jemaine likes it so much?
You can have it.
[after following Bret and Coco onto a bus] Bret.
Bret[surprised] Hey man, what are you doing here?
Murray and I missed you and we want you to rejoin the band again.
BretReally?
Yeah, on one condition, that you... [makes hand to throat gesture and points at Coco]
BretI'm not gonna kill her, man.
No just leave - just leave her, not...
BretOh, no, I'm not gonna leave her, I told you that. You know, I like the band but, no, I'm not leaving Coco.
I wouldn't mind, I mean if that's what you really want.
BretShush baby.
I-I don't really see us as a long-term...
BretShush.
So what's it gonna be Bret, the girl or the band?
BretWell, it’s gonna be Coco.
Oh, are you sure?
BretYeah.
Oh, I thought you - I was sure you were gonna say the band.
Bret[Shakes head] No I'm staying with Coco.
[sighs] I guess you can still be in the band.
BretOkay, yeah all right.
Okay.
BretCool.
Okay, well I'll see you later. [gets up to leave]
BretI'll see you at band practice.
[sits down again] Actually I'm gonna wait until the bus stops and then I'll get off.
[fake coughing] Yoko!
BretWhat'd you say?
Oh, nothing, just had a bit of a cough.
BretOh. Okay.
No, it wasn't a real cough. I said Yoko.
BretWhy'd you say that? She's nothing like Yoko.
Ono, she isn't
Jemaine, you're putting "oh no" together to sound like "Ono."
Ono, I didn't.
You did it again!
Ono, did I?
Jemaine?
...Present.
Bret?
BretYep.
And Murray... yes, present, thank you... I'm always here anyway, I don't know why I bother with my line.
[as David Bowie] So, you showed your penis to the man from the greeting card company.
BretThat was your idea.
I didn't mean something like that, I only meant something like... I don't know, wear make-up, or—
BretYeah, I was wearing make-up... I had lightning bolts on my wanger.
I meant on your face, Bret... On your face.
BretCan I please have a look at the lyrics? [Looks at notepad] This is another one of your weird songs, man.
In what way?
BretWhat's that about 'Sometimes I put a wig on you when we're on tour'?
Put a wig on you? No. It didn't say anything like that.
BretThat's definitely a bit gay.
What is?
BretPutting a wig on me while I'm asleep.
I think, sometimes you hear what you wanna hear. It wouldn't be gay to put a wig on a man and pretend they're a woman. How could that be gay if you're pretending they're a woman? Not that I did it.
BretSo he wouldn't serve us basically just because we're from New Zealand.
Is that the norm?
Well, you guys are in America now, and there's a lot of prejudism here. Especially towards people like you.
BretWhat do you mean, people like us?
You know, the English and what not, red coats, the oppressors...
We're not English.
Be that as it may Jemaine, you're pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country.
What about black people?
Dave They don't like you either. Neither do the Chinese, the Asians, Polish, Russian, Croatians, even the Indians.
BretYeah, but Dave, you're Indian. D'you hate us?
Yeah, sometimes.
But you're our best friend.
I know.
It doesn't matter what country someone's from, or what they look like, or the color of their skin. It doesn't matter what they smell like, or that they spell words slightly differently...some would say, more correctly.
Yeah...
Let me finish. I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there is a person. And each person deserves to be treated like a person.
That's a great speech. Too bad New Zealanders are a bunch of cocky a-holes descended from criminals and retarded monkeys.
No you're thinking of Australians.
BretYea that's Australians.
No, no, no, New Zealanders. You throw another shrimp on the barbie and ride around on your kangaroos all day.
BretNo, no, no, that's Australians.
You're thinking of Australians. That's not us.
[Aghast] I've totally confused you with Australians? I - I feel terrible. Your accents sound similar.
No, no, our accents are completely different, they're like [high-pitched] "where's the car" and we're like [normal voice] "Where's the car."
You know what? Here, have some of my fruit, please, I feel terrible. [to Bret] You want that Red Delicious still?
BretOh, I would love that Red Delicious, yeah.
[to Jemaine] You still want that banana?
Thank you, I would love that banana.
[handing him a red apple] This Red Delicious is on me.
[Referring to music producer Quincy Jones] What are some albums that he's produced, Bret?
BretMichael Jackson's "Off The Wall"?.
Yeah....woah! I'll say he is....He's crazy, off the planet. Isn't he gonna freeze himself?
Are you and Lisa gonna get married now?
BretI wish, but I don't know. She's got to go to war.
What?
BretYeah, Iraq.
Iraq?
BretYeah.
Lisa?
BretYes, she's in Delta Force. She's been deployed to Fallujah.
But she works in the croissant shop.
BretYeah well, she's got two jobs. She's a pastry chef and a sniper.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Flight of the Conchords pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
