Mel quotes from Flight of the Conchords

Mel

Oh my God. Jemaine, are you okay?

Jemaine

Yeah.

Mel

You're out? Did the cops try to strip search you?

Jemaine

No.

Mel

Did they find anything?

Jemaine

No, they didn't strip search me.

Mel

Oh, I--I thought you said they did.

Jemaine

No.

Mel

Oh, well, did any of your cellmates, you know, rape you in the a--

Jemaine

No. No no no.

Mel

Oh good, good. Cause if—if I was a convict, you know, and I was in a cell with a pretty boy like you, I would definitely wait till lights out, put my hand over your mouth—

Jemaine

I've gotta—I've gotta go.

Murray

Alright, Item 3. Now if one of the band members was to have a girlfriend, would you find that... A: Very Positive; B: Positive...

Mel

Why do... why do you ask?

Murray

No reason.

Mel

Has Bret got a girlfriend?

Murray

Yes. He's seeing a girl from work. Coco.

Mel

[snaps the tip of her pencil, twitches nervously, then recovers] Oh... heh. Wow. Well that's great that Bret has a girlfriend. That's really great.

Murray

You don't think that Bret's any less available now that he's...

Mel

Oh no... heh. Is she pretty?

Murray

You're still interested in the band then? Even though...

Mel

Yes, it's nice for Bret to have a girlfriend.

Murray

Good.

Mel

Yes.

Murray

Alright. You're sure?

Mel

Yes! [chuckles] Is she stupid?

Murray

You've still got Jemaine anyway. And he's always available, isn't he? He's not gonna... not gonna get a girlfriend any time soon, so...

Mel

Just ummm...

Murray

Try your chances with him, can't you?

Mel

Mmmhmm. Does... does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? A bit?

Murray

A little bit. 'Round the eyes.

Mel

Oh yeah? Big eyes, huh?

Murray

Well she's... she's got eyes.

Mel

What was your name again?

It's Rain.

Mel

Oh. That's nice. Kinda like... kinda like bad weather... I remember your name from the fan list, I check it regularly. Do you check it regularly?

No.

Mel

Oh... You don't have a computer.

No, I have a computer.

Mel

Oh, you can't read...

Mel

Oh, you're like a samurai, like a massage samurai.

Jemaine

I'm just patting you.

Mel

Oh I feel like I've hired a gigolo. Haha! I'm just kidding I would never hire— I mean I would. [turns to jemaine] I would, I would pay you so much money... That's not who I am, that's not what I'm about. Heh, I'm joking. I'm not. I am. I'm not.

Mel

[about her hideous painting of Jemaine] You should hang it on your wall so you can see how big and powerful you are, like Ra - the sun god Ra. You're like a pharaoh.

Jemaine

I'm not as muscly as that.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Mel

Be quiet, Doug!

Jemaine

Yeah, be quiet, Doug.