Fawlty Towers · Season 1
[Basil has just tripped over Sybil's garden gnome behind the reception desk]
What is this!! What is this doing here?! What is going on here??
Your wife ordered it. Call O'Reilly.
That golfing puff-adder?! What does she want a stupid...
CALL O'REILLY!
WHAT!?!
Shall I call him?
No no I'll do it! I'll call him, you go and see if the roof's still on!
Where's the boss?
¿Que?
The, the... the generalissimo!
[looks at him incredulously] In Madrid!
Did you ever see that film, "How To Murder Your Wife"?
"How To Murder Your Wife"?
Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.
Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.
The heat?
No, no. My wife's laugh.
[about Sybil's laughter] Please don't alarm yourself, it's only my wife laughing. I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.
[shocked] Oh dear!
No, no, not really. Just a thought. Well now, what can I get you?
Do you have any Ricard?
[confused] I'm sorry?
Any Ricard?
[unsure what Ricard is, he pretends to check the bar] uh, we're just out of it, I think...
OH NO! come on now, this is quite absurd, I'm sorry, I do not want the omelet!
It's nice!
I don't want the bloody thing now take it back!
Here, give it to me.
I fail to see how this sort of thing can happen!
There, I've torn it up you'll never see it again!.
Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.
Oh, dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmmm... or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?
I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the cretins we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got smidgen of co-operation from you.
Co-operation? That's a laugh. The day you co-operate, you'll be in a wooden box. I've never heard such rudeness.
Spoons, eh?
Sorry?
SP-THTHTHTHTH-OONS!
I beg your pardon?
I understand you're in the spoon trade.
Oh, yes. Yes.
Fascinating. How very absorbing for you.
Well...
So much more interesting than being a HOTEL INSPECTOR!!
Y'What...?
There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s. Now this starts at 8.45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour.
I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
Indeed I am, yes. Now is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast?
Why don't you talk properly?
I beg your pardon?
No it isn't.
What?
It is not possible to reserve the BBC2 channel from the commencement of this televisual feast until the moment of the termination of its ending, thank you so much.
He's drunk!
Drunk?
Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?!
I don't believe it!
Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. [pounds his head on the desk several times, sits up, looks around.] Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it.
[yelling at his car] Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start... I'll count to three! 1, 2, 3! Right! That's it! [leaving the car, he starts yelling at it] I've had enough! You've tried it on just once too often! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you time and time again! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing! [he leaves the frame, returns holding a branch and starts thrashing the car over the bonnet]
André thinks Thursdays are a good idea.
Thursday?
Hmm, I think so.
Good! Then on all other days we'll serve up a great big trough of baked beans and garnish it with a couple of dead dogs.
[Basil is dealing with young Ronald Heath, a loathsome brat]
I don't like the chips...They're the wrong shape, and they're just awful. Haven't you got any properly-shaped chips?
[with characteristically-surreptitious menace] What shape do you usually have? Mickey Mouse shape? Smarties shape? Amphibious landing craft shape? Poke in the eye shape? - God, you're dumb.
What a dump...! I'd like some salad cream for this bread.
Well, the mayonnaise is right there.
I asked for salad cream, stupid.
We don't have any of what you call salad cream; the chef made that mayonnaise freshly this morning.
That's puke, that is.
Well, at least it's fresh puke!
[Polly is trying to tell Basil that Kurt is drunk in front of the guests]
He's potted the shrimps.
What?
He's potted the shrimps!
Shrimps? Not having shrimps tonight, Polly. Now... [starts to walk away with the guests]
He's soused! [beat] The herrings.
What are you on about?
[slowly] He's pickled the onions and he's smashed the eggs in his pot [crosses eyes] under the table.
[to the guests] Excuse me. [to Polly] Have you been drinking?
No, not me!
Then will you behave yourself!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Fawlty Towers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
