Fawlty Towers · Season 1
[Classical music is playing in the background. Basil is putting up a picture. Sybil walks in.]
Don't forget the menu.
I beg your pardon?
Don't forget the menu.
I thought you said you want-- Right! I'll do the menu!
[puts down the picture, walks over to a typewriter and sits down.]
You could have had them both done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.
Racket? That's Brahms! Brahms' Third Racket!
Hello, Fawlty Towers. Ah, yes, Mr. O'Reilly. Well, it's quite simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather thinking that instead of just dumping the bricks down in a pile, you might find time to cement them together one on top of the other in the usual fashion. [to Melbury] Could you fill it in, please? [to O'Reilly] Oh, splendid! Yes, but when, Mr. O'Reilly? [to Melbury] There. There. [to O'Reilly] Yes, but when? Ah, I see: the flu. [to Melbury] Both names, please. [to O'Reilly] Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly; that and the potato famine, I suppose.
I'm sorry?
Could you put both your names please? [to O'Reilly] Well, can you give me a date?
I only use one.
You don't have a first name?
No. I am Lord Melbury, so I simply sign "Melbury."
[to O'Reilly] Go away. [hangs up] So sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship. I do apologise.
Sybil, I forbid you to open that safe. [She does so] Sybil, I forbid you to take that case out. [She does so] Sybil, you cannot open that case, I forbid it. [She does so]
If you wasn't listening to that racket all morning, you'd have them both done by now.
Racket? That's Braahms! Braahms Third Racket! All morning? I had two bars.
[To Sir Richard and Lady Morris] Where are you going?
We're leaving!
Oh, don't! Please stay. You'll like it here.
I've never been in such a place in my life! [They drive away]
You snobs!!! You stupid, Stuck up, Toffee-Nosed, Half-Witted, Upper Class piles of ... Pus!!!
[to Melbury] Well, how are you, Lord Melbury? 'Ow are yer then? All right, mate? 'Ow's me' old mucker? [He gently slaps Lord Melbury on the cheeks and pulls his ears] Any valuables to deposit, Sir Richard? Any bricks? [Lord Melbury panics and runs away] [to Richard] I do apologise...[to Melbury] YOU BASTARD!!
[furious] A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water, please!
[smashing the picture, vexed] RIGHT!!!
[He frogmarches Mr. Waering to his table to be served.]
O'Reilly, I have seen more intelligent creatures than you lying on their backs at the bottoms of ponds. I have seen better organized creatures than you running round farmyards with their heads cut off. Now take your belongings and get out. I never want to see you or any of your men in my hotel again.
Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly. How are you this morning? Oh, good, good. No rare diseases, or anything? Oh, I do beg your pardon: Basil Fawlty, you remember? The poor sod you do jobs for? Well now, how are things your end? Oh, good. Good, good, good. Well now, how would you like to hear about things my end? Oh, well, up to your usual standard I think I can say. A few holes in the floor, the odd door missing; but nothing you can't be sued for.
(down the phone to O'Reilly) ...No, I don't want to debate about it, if you're not over here in twenty minutes with my door I shall come over there and insert a large garden gnome in you.
(Seeing Basil walking down the road with a large garden gnome) Where are you going Basil?
Just going to see O'Reilly dear. Then I might go to Canada.
(pretending to talk to someone down the phone) Manuel Towers. How are you? Is nice today. Good! Goodbye.
Don't do anything we wouldn't do.
Just a little breathing, surely?
Are you going to take something like that seriously?!
Well...well, I thought I might...
YOU THOUGHT YOU MIGHT?!?!! What kind of man ARE you!?! Are you going to let her talk to us like that?!
She just did!!
No, no, no, she only thinks she did. But we'll show her! We're not only going to take that door out and put the other one back, we're going to add that new door and block that one off as well. We're going to to the BEST day's work you've EVER done, O'Reilly!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Fawlty Towers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
