Fawlty Towers · Season 2
What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a "Mr Watt," aged forty.
No, no. Fawlty.
Faulty? What's wrong with him?
It's all right, Mrs. Richards. He's from Barcelona.
The manager's from Barcelona?
No, no. He's from, er, Swanage.
Now listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath I expect to get a bath.
(confused) You've got a bath.
I'm not paying Seven Pounds Twenty Pence per night plus VAT for a room without a bath.
[goes into the bathroom] There is your bath.
You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful...
[quietly] I wish you were a mouse, I'd show you...
And another thing. I booked a room with a view.
[quietly to Manuel] Deaf, mad and blind. [Goes to the window] Yes, this is the view as I remember it, yes, yes, this is it.
When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
That is Torquay madam.
Well it's not good enough.
Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
I'd need a telescope to see that.
Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? [mutters] Or preferably in it.
Now listen to me. I am not satisfied. However, I have decided to stay. But I shall expect a reduction.
Why, because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment?
Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible and the radio doesn't work.
No, the radio works. [mutters] You don't.
What?
I'll see if I can fix it [mutters] you scabby old bat. (walks over to the radio and turns it up loud, then turns it off)
Madam, may I ask do you have a hearing aid?
What?
[shouting] A hearing aid!
Yes I do have a hearing aid!
Would you like me to get it mended?
Mended? It's working perfectly fine.
No it isn't!
I haven't got it turned on at the moment.
Why not?
The battery runs out. Now what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
[whispering] 60% if you turn it on.
What?!
My wife handles all such matters, she'll be delighted to discuss it with you.
I will.
(muttering) you heard that all right didn't you...
[Mrs Richards comes down the stairs]
Good afternoon.
First they give me a room without a bath, then there's no lavatory paper. [goes to the reception desk and starts banging the bell]
Oohh
Would you like some of ours?
We keep an extra supply
Yes, would you like some of ours?
[Mrs Richards ignores them and continues to bang the desk bell]
Hello! [Polly comes out of the office] Girl. There's no paper in my room. Why don't you check these things? That's what you're being paid for, isn't it?
Well we don't put it in the rooms
What?
We keep it in the lounge
[shocked] In the Lounge?!
I'll get you some. Do you want plain ones, or ones with our address on it?
[still shocked] Address on it?!
How many sheets? [Mrs Richards looks appalled] Well how many are you going to use?
[banging the desk bell] Manager!
Just enough for one? Tell me!
Manager! Manager!
[To Polly, after looking everywhere for her glasses] Are you blind? They were on my head! Didn't you see them?
Yes!
Didn't God give you eyes?
Yes, but I don't use them, because it wears the batteries out!
[Leaving the room] I can get down stairs by myself.
"Down" the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the basement! Keep straight on! Give my regards to the Earth's core!
[to Mrs Richards] Are you sure you can manage?
If you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress!
Now, listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath, I expect to get a bath.
[confused] You’ve got a bath.
I’m not paying seven pounds twenty pence per night plus V.A.T. for a room without a bath.
[goes into the bathroom] There is your bath.
[looks at it] You call that a bath? It’s not big enough to drown a mouse. It’s disgraceful.
[sotto] I wish you were a mouse, I’d show you...
And another thing: I asked for a room with a view.
[sotto to Manuel] Deaf, mad, and blind. [goes to the window, in a louder voice] Uh, this is the view as far as I can remember, madam. Yes, yes, this is it.
When I pay for a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
Well, that is Torquay, madam.
Well, it’s not good enough.
Well, may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeests sweeping majestically—?
Don’t be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
You can see the sea, [pointing out with his index finger] it’s over there between the land and the sky.
I need a telescope to see that.
Well, may I suggest that you consider moving to a hotel closer to the sea?... [sotto] Or preferably in it.
Right. Now, listen to me. I’m not satisfied, but I’ve decided to stay here. However, I shall expect a reduction.
Why, because Krakatoa’s not erupting at the moment?
Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible, and the radio doesn’t work.
No, the radio works. [sotto] You don’t.
What?
I’ll see if I can fix it, [sotto] you scabby old bat.
[He turns it on loudly; it works fine; Manuel plugs his ears]
I think we got something then.
What?
I think we got something then!
[looking at Manuel with his fingers in his ears] What are you doing?
Qué!?
[Basil swats him upside the head]
Madam, don’t think me rude, but may I ask, do you by any chance have a hearing aid?
A what?
A HEARING AID!
Yes, I do have a hearing aid!
Would you like me to get it mended?
Mended? It’s working perfectly alright.
No, it isn’t!
I haven’t got it turned on at the moment.
Why not?
The battery runs down. Now, what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
[sotto] 60% if you turn it on.
What?
My wife handles all such matters, I’m sure she’ll be delighted to discuss it with you.
I shall speak to her after lunch.
[sotto, bowing] You heard that alright, didn’t you?
What?!
Thank you so much. Uh, lunch will be served at half past twelve.
[leaving the room] I can get downstairs by myself.
"Down" the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the basement! Keep straight on! Give my regards to the Earth's core!
[to Mrs Richards] Are you sure you can manage?
If you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress!
Basil!
Well, that was fun, wasn't it, dear? The odd moment like that? It's almost worth staying alive for, isn't it? It's nice to share a moment like that, isn't it, dear? It's what marriage is all about. I know – I read about it on the back of a matchbox.
You know, Basil, sometimes...
[puts his arm round her waist] Seriously, Sybil. Do you remember the first time we were... manacled together – we used to laugh quite a lot.
[puts his hand back] Yes, but not at the same time, Basil. [exits]
Ah, that's true. That was a warning all right, wasn't it? Should have spotted that, shouldn't I? Zhoom! What was that? That was your life, mate! Oh, that was quick. Do I get another? Sorry, mate. That's your lot.
[re-enters] Basil.
Back to the world of dreams... Yes, dear?
What are we going to do?
Give it another fifteen years?
He gets paid for sticking his nose--
Oh, Basil--
No, I'm going to have my say! Into people's private... um... details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts-- details!
You're only single once.
Twice can be arranged!
There's enough material there for an entire conference.
Mr. Fawlty, take it easy.
Now listen here. I don't pay you to tell me to take it easy. I pay you to take it easy, I mean I pay you to tell you to take it easy.
What I'm suggesting is that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
Major Gowen [angrily]: No! No, I won't have that. There's a place in Eastbourne.
This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here, expecting to be handwaited on hand and foot while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Fawlty Towers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
