Basil Fawlty quotes from Fawlty Towers

Basil

Sybil, I forbid you to open that safe. [She does so] Sybil, I forbid you to take that case out. [She does so] Sybil, you cannot open that case, I forbid it. [She does so]

Basil

You snobs!!! You stupid, Stuck up, Toffee-Nosed, Half-Witted, Upper Class piles of ... Pus!!!

Basil

[to Melbury] Well, how are you, Lord Melbury? 'Ow are yer then? All right, mate? 'Ow's me' old mucker? [He gently slaps Lord Melbury on the cheeks and pulls his ears] Any valuables to deposit, Sir Richard? Any bricks? [Lord Melbury panics and runs away] [to Richard] I do apologise...[to Melbury] YOU BASTARD!!

Basil

Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly. How are you this morning? Oh, good, good. No rare diseases, or anything? Oh, I do beg your pardon: Basil Fawlty, you remember? The poor sod you do jobs for? Well now, how are things your end? Oh, good. Good, good, good. Well now, how would you like to hear about things my end? Oh, well, up to your usual standard I think I can say. A few holes in the floor, the odd door missing; but nothing you can't be sued for.

Basil

(down the phone to O'Reilly) ...No, I don't want to debate about it, if you're not over here in twenty minutes with my door I shall come over there and insert a large garden gnome in you.

Basil

[yelling at his car] Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start... I'll count to three! 1, 2, 3! Right! That's it! [leaving the car, he starts yelling at it] I've had enough! You've tried it on just once too often! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you time and time again! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing! [he leaves the frame, returns holding a branch and starts thrashing the car over the bonnet]

Basil

Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. [returns to the Germans] So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads.

Basil

This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here, expecting to be handwaited on hand and foot while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out!

Basil

I mean, it does say 'hotel' outside. Maybe I should be more precise, 'Hotel for people who have more than 50% chance of making it through the night'!

Basil

Otherwise, ok?

Basil

[to Mr. Carnegie] W-W-Would you care for a rat, or...?

Basil

Just the biscuits then, please, Polly.

Sybil

Don't forget the menu.

Basil

I beg your pardon?

Sybil

Don't forget the menu.

Basil

I thought you said you want-- Right! I'll do the menu!

Sybil

You could have had them both done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.

Basil

Racket? That's Brahms! Brahms' Third Racket!

Basil

Hello, Fawlty Towers. Ah, yes, Mr. O'Reilly. Well, it's quite simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather thinking that instead of just dumping the bricks down in a pile, you might find time to cement them together one on top of the other in the usual fashion. [to Melbury] Could you fill it in, please? [to O'Reilly] Oh, splendid! Yes, but when, Mr. O'Reilly? [to Melbury] There. There. [to O'Reilly] Yes, but when? Ah, I see: the flu. [to Melbury] Both names, please. [to O'Reilly] Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly; that and the potato famine, I suppose.

I'm sorry?

Basil

Could you put both your names please? [to O'Reilly] Well, can you give me a date?

I only use one.

Basil

You don't have a first name?

No. I am Lord Melbury, so I simply sign "Melbury."

Basil

[to O'Reilly] Go away. [hangs up] So sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship. I do apologise.

Sybil

If you wasn't listening to that racket all morning, you'd have them both done by now.

Basil

Racket? That's Braahms! Braahms Third Racket! All morning? I had two bars.

Basil

[To Sir Richard and Lady Morris] Where are you going?

We're leaving!

Basil

Oh, don't! Please stay. You'll like it here.

I've never been in such a place in my life! [They drive away]