TV show quotes
(Ted and Dougal are asleep in bed. Dougal is talking in his sleep... dreaming that he is a contestant on Countdown)
Consonant please Carol.... Vowel... another consonant.
(Ted is awake)
Vowel. Consonant.
(Ted turns the light on and gets up)
Richard. Where you going?
Dougal, I am not Richard Whiteley. Go back to sleep. You're dreaming.
(Ted leaves the room and turns the light off)
Consonant. Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate.
(Ted and Dougal are sitting down at breakfast. Ted had discovered the stolen whistle the night before in Dougal's jacket)
Dougal, is there anything on your mind?
(Dougal looks around, a dumb expression on his face)
Let me re-phrase that. Is there anything you want to tell me about? Something bothering you in some way?
Like what Ted?
Have you done anything you might be embarrassed about? Have you done anything bad recently? Anything wrong?
Wrong?
Yes Dougal. "Wrong". You remember right and wrong? The difference between the two? Page one of "How to be a Catholic".
(Dougal looks clueless and confused)
Honestly Dougal, this is very basic stuff.
(Dougal continues to look confused)
What is "wrong"? Give me an example of something that's "wrong".
(trying very hard to rise to this intellectual challenge) Just give me a second Ted. (stands up)
Arson. There's one. (pause) Murder. (pause) Swearing.
Swearing. Yeah.
Anything else?
(Dougal is racking his brains)
Err... Emm... Err... L.. Lying?
(animated) Well done Dougal! Yes!
Thanks Ted.
(Dougal begins to collapse. The strain of thinking was too much)
Dougal are you all right?
I'm fine Ted I just need to sit down.
(Dougal sits back down)
Sorry about that Dougal. I probably pushed you a bit hard there.
No worries Ted.
(Dougal places his head on the table in exhaustion)
Dougal, something else that's wrong is... stealing.
(Dougal looks up at Ted. He's beginning to recover)
What I'm trying to say is that it's wrong to steal. Stealing is just something you don't do.
Right. Except you.
(shocked) What?
Well you're allowed to steal.
(indignant) What are you talking about?
The money. From that Lourdes thing.
(Ted is lost for words and is very uncomfortable and beginning to get angry)
(defensively) Different thing altogether Dougal. First of all, that money was just resting in my account before I moved it on!
It was resting for a long time Ted.
Yes, but...
A good long rest.
(frustrated) Look Dougal, we're not talking about me! We're talking about YOU!
Is there anything you want to tell me about?
(Ted reaches into his top pocket and produces the stolen whistle)
This, for example?
You know the way he's got big floppy ears flopping all over the place?
Yes?
Why don't we call him Father Jack Hackett?
What?
Oh, nothing, Father. Dougal's decided to name his new pet rabbit after you.
What?
Dougal this is far too confusing! Can you not come up with a better name?
Ah Ted I've got used to calling him Father Jack now! Can we not call Jack something else?
[exasperated] Flipper! Flipper the Priest!
Yes!
I think Father Jack wants a drink.
Yes!
Right, get him some water.
Water? Feck!
Crilly, it's me, Bishop Brennan.
Oh feck! [realises his mistake]
WHAT!?
[putting on a bad French accent] 'Oo is dis? Zere is no Crilly 'ere! [hangs up]
Alright Crilly, I'll make this short. What would the following suggest to you: "Jack", "sleep-walking", and "bollock-naked"?
Oh no!
Now this is the third time in the last six months! You may have heard of Brian Noonan, a very important Junior Minister- and a personal friend of mine- and I can tell you now the last thing he and his family needs to see is the vision of an elderly priest wearing only a hat and a pair of socks! Now I'll be around on Thursday to inspect security arrangements, and Crilly...
Yes, your Grace?
[referring to the previous call] If you ever try to bullshit me like that again, I will rip off your arms!
It's like a big rabbit rock festival!
(points at rabbits) Rats!
Yes father, we can see them as well.
Hairy Japanese bastards!
That's a very nice sword. Where exactly are you going to put the rabbits?
In the vice, father.
(about the rabbits) I could run them down in me van!
Have you nothing I could kill at all all, Father?
Uh no Tom, no.
Well, feck it anyway!
Run Dougal, run quite fast!
Once again I am forced from my comfy fireside to deal with the cast of Police Academy.
(trying to stall Bishop Brennan) Who'd have thought somebody from Limerick'd get this far?
(shouting up the stairs) Ted, did Len find the rabbits?
What did he just say?!
Ah, I can explain...
Did he call me Len again? You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!
Because Dougal, my nerves are shot. I won't be able to relax until the only rabbit here is the one sitting in your head working the controls.
(The opening credits of "Father Ben" begin playing)
(excited) Ted! Ted! Quick! It's "Father Ben"!
(Ted comes rushing in to watch)
God, I love this!
(The show within the show begins. Father Ben is sitting on a lounge that looks exactly like the one in Father Ted)
(In the show, Father Brendan appears, with something on his head)
God, Ben! I'm such an eejit! I put the shorts... on me head!
(Fathers Ted and Dougal laugh)
God almighty Brendan, you really are a big fool!
(laughing at show) This is really top notch stuff.
(nodding) That Brendan's an eejit!
I know someone just like Ben... Big thicko!
Wait, I got one! You see the way he's got big floppy ears flopping all over the place?
Yeah?
Why don't we call him Father Jack Hackett?
[sarcastically] Perfect! Father Jack it is!
What?
Ah, nothing, Father. Dougal names his new pet rabbit after you.
What?
Are you all right, Father Jack?
What?
He’s not talking to you, Father, he’s talking to the rabbit.
What?!
I think Father Jack wants a drink.
[gleeful] Drink! Drink!
Maybe we could give him water.
Water!? Feck!
Dougal, this is getting far too confusing!
Ah Ted I've got used to calling him Father Jack! Can we not call Father Jack something else?
[exasperated] Great! What'll we call him?! Flipper! Flipper the Priest!
Yes!
No, Dougal. This is not going to work.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
