A character in Everybody Loves Raymond
Played by Brad Garrett
Everybody Loves Raymond · 126 quotes
5th most-quoted character in Everybody Loves Raymond: in 26 of its 126 quotes
Most scenes with: Ray Barone (14), Debra Barone (13), Frank Barone (12)
How was your class today, dear? Did the children listen to you?
RobertI teach traffic school, Ma.
Since When?
RobertSince today. Lots of cops do it, y'know. Chance to earn a little spending money.
How about spending a little on rent?
RobertDad wants me to keep an eye on that one in sporting goods.
Do you really think Mrs. Scarpulla is going to steal cross country skis?
RobertNot on my watch.
RobertYou hit my patrol car!
I'm your father! I don't care if I killed a guy; you're supposed to look the other way!
Dad, whatever you do, I wanna look the other way.
RobertI can't look the other way anymore! You drive like a maniac!
Frank, how did you hit Robert's patrol car?
RobertMy partner comes to pick me up, and Dad backs out of the driveway without looking!
That car shouldn't have been there!
RobertOn the street?
(pleading) Just lie! Say you never saw the guy!
RobertI can't do that, Dad!
Why not?
RobertBecause I have a moral obligation as a police officer, and I almost got caught lying for you the last time! Now let me see your license!
Sorry, Sally, I'm fightin' this!
RobertThere is black and white on the side of your car!
(yelling) I HIT A PENGUIN!
Robert(yelling himself) I'M WRITING THE TICKET! (sits down at the kitchen table and begins furiously scribbling in his ticket book)
FINE! THAT'S "BARONE!" B-A-R-O-N-E, AS IN "THE MAN FROM WHOSE LOINS YOU SPRUNG!"
Why would you want to hear me complain about Ray?
RobertPerhaps we haven't met. I'm Robert Barone.
RobertWe happen to have an opportunity here for some real personal growth through active dialogue. (Frank begins to snore. Annoyed) Stop it, Dad! Now, the two of you have to come out and say what's really bothering you and get it out in the open and deal with it, 'cause if there's one thing I've learned in my many years of experience with domestic disputes, it is this: It's never just about the can opener.
Yeah. Sometimes it's about a jar of fat.
(obviously Frank's hit a nerve) How could you mention that?
I'll mention it. You went nuts over nothin'.
I had every right to go nuts with you as a husband!
Don't go nuts. Just go.
(curious) Wait, wait , wait...What jar of fat? (Ray and Robert groan)
I'll tell you what jar of fat. It was beautiful. It was fat from pancetta and golden-brown sausage. (aside) You'd have to be a cook to understand. But it was months of selecting only the best drippings to prepare meals for Il Duce.
Yeah, you made all those meals just for me, and then you went out jogging!
That was my kitchen! You had no right to go in there and throw out my fat!
That jar was for my coins! I needed that!
(yelling) You're selfish!
(yelling back) Fat collector!
Oh, you never appreciated me, ever! You never ever appreciated me! I would work my fingers to the bone all day with the kids, with the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry, and then you'd waltz in with your list of demands and not even a thank-you!
That's right!
Debra understands.
You wanted a thank-you? Where was my thank you? I waltzed in, huh? (shouting) I dragged my ass home every day after ten hours, stuck in a suit, stuck in an office, stuck in a car, AND IF I NEEDED COINS TO PAY THE TOLLS THAT GOT ME TO THAT JOB, THAT PAID FOR THAT MEAT, THAT MADE THAT FAT, THEN I'LL DUMP IT OUT WHENEVER I WANT AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!
That's right, you don't care! You have never cared about how hard I work just to serve you!
Hey, I don't have to care; that's your job. (Instant silence. Even Frank realizes that that might not have been the right thing to say. Robert tries to take a swig from the Pepto-Bismol bottle, only to find it's empty, so then he looks into it, then he sticks his pinky into the mouth of the bottle to try and get whatever's in there. He then takes it out and sucks on it desperately.)
RobertAm I sitting in sauce?
Yes, Robert.
Robert(relieved) Good. I was afraid I popped a stitch.
RobertWell, I suppose you heard my wonderful news.
(trying to inject some cheer) Yeah, three more weeks.
Robert(dour) Three more weeks.
(even more cheerful) No, listen...three more weeks!
RobertWell, when you say it like that... Here, let me try. (with the same overdone optimism as Debra, but it sounds caustic from him) Bubonic plague!
Did he just say he's going to Las Vegas?
Nevada!
(walks to kitchen door) Robert, ROBERT!
RobertYeah???
Do you have a moment?
Ray (To Debra): Can you believe this?
Robert walks into the kitchen
RobertHey, what's up bro?
Well, Bro, word has it you're going to Vegas.
RobertYup. I'm hopping on the big silver bird at 8:45 tomorrow. By 1:45, The Emperors Buffet at Caesar's Palace! Shrimp, Tacos, Waffles, and Turkey Legs!
And hey, while you're in Vegas, you can pick up Ray's "Sucker of the Year" award.
Wait a minute, Robert, are you sure you can afford to go to Las Vegas?
RobertWell I can now, thanks to you (Pinches Debra on the cheek)
But you were eating Baloney Pie!
Debra, why would you make that for him?
We thought you would use that $1,000 to, I dont know, keep yourself alive!
RobertWhat do you mean?
What do I mean? What about all of your problems and your bills?
RobertYou see I thought about that but those things will always. When else will I have an extra $1,000 to go to Vegas?
That wasn't an extra $1,000.
Robert, can I say something? Going to Las Vegas seems a bit extravagant for someone in your position.
RobertWell my position is extremely stressed and needing a vacation.
Well if you need a vacation Robbie, you wanna know where I always wanted to go? Hershey, Pennsylvania. We could watch them make chocolate!
Yeah, you're gonna watch.
(Amy comes into the kitchen in a panic)
(hysterical, to Robert) What did you do?
Robert(not understanding what's going on) What do you mean?
What did you do? The invitations! (She hands Robert one of the offending invitations) My Aunt Lynn got this in the mail! What did you do?"
Robert(panicking himself) Oh, my God! This was in the mail?!
What did you do?!
RobertNothing. Nothing. This wasn't supposed to go out.
(taking the invitation from Robert) Wait a minute, what's the problem? (She finds it, and is equally aghast.) Oh, my God!
I know! I couldn't even finish reading it because I heard someone screaming, and then I realized it was me!!!
RobertThe wedding planner lady was supposed to print it out and you were supposed to look it over--
She said you said "send it out"!
RobertNo, I said print it out!
Well, she sent it out!
Robert(truly hysterical) OH, MY GOD!!! (Marie comes in, holding an invitation)
(hysterical) AMY!!! OH, MY GOD!!!
(matching their hysteria) I KNOW!!! OH, MY GOD!!!
What happened to it? (Amy points accusingly at Robert)
Robert! Robert happened to it!
Robert(feebly) It wasn't supposed to go out! (Amy goes over and thrusts the invitation at Robert.)
Look at this! Hank N' Pat? N' Pat? They're not hillbillies, Robert! Hank 'N Pat McDougal request the honor of your "presents"--
Robert, you spelled "presence" like gifts!
Robert(quietly) It wasn't supposed to go out!
You even put the wrong date! It's the ninth, not the sixth! People are going to be showing up three days early!
And what is this: Attire optional?!
It's black tie optional! Attire optional means "maybe naked!" (The horror of it just never ends...) There's going to be nude people! At the church! On a Wednesday!!
Robert(quietly strained) It wasn't supposed to go out!
Debra Barone?
Yep. (gets up from chair) Hi, How'd it go?
Mrs. Barone, are there any allergies or conditions your husband may have neglected to tell us about?
(worried) What do you mean? Why?
Well, we're having some difficulty bringing him out of anesthesia.
What?
He should have been out by now. He's not responding. His blood pressure's dropped below a certain level...
Robert?
Robert BaroneWhat is it? What, Raymond?
What's happening?
He's not waking up.
RobertLet me go in there. I'm his blood type.
Robert[to nurse] No no no no listen to me, he is my brother! I can wake him up! RAYMOND!
Robert storms towards operating room doors
Hi, are you the Barone's?
RobertMy brother's in there! RAYMOND!
He's fine now. His blood pressure's returning to normal and he's coming out of it. This happens sometimes, it's a form of hypertension, but he's perfectly alright.
[through tears, to doctor] Thank you.
You can see him in a few minutes.
Oh, oh my god.
RobertOh, oh ok but he's fine.
Yes.
RobertHe said it went fine. It went good.
I noticed the nurse was still buttoned.
Now listen. What happened in there, (sternly) nobody tells Ray.
Or his mother.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Everybody Loves Raymond pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
