Everybody Hates Chris Season 1 quotes

Rochelle

While you were out takin' your time, sippin' on coffee, your son was here staging a COUP!!

Julius

A coup? What? Who, Drew?

Rochelle

CHRIS! I spent 20 hours of labor pushin' out that big-eared boy, and he turns around and does this to me?!

Julius

Does what? What did he do?

Rochelle

What did he do? Oh, what? You're on HIS side now?!

Julius

No, no! I... I'm just tryin' to find out what's goin' on!

Rochelle

Oh, what's goin' on? What's goin' on? Lemme think about what's goin' on. YOUR SON IS TRYING TO KILL ME!! That's what's goin' on! I, I... I cook. I clean. I care for this family, and what do I get in return? Just a FULL-SCALE MUTINY! Led by a child who I bore for a man who's supposed to love and honor and protect me! You know, I thought we were all in this together, but you know what? I'm findin' out now that I'm just BY MYSELF!

Julius

Rochelle, what did he do?

Rochelle

I told Chris to wash the dishes and he told me, "No." And what do you do? Nothing!

Narrator

Whenever there was a problem my mom couldn't handle, she'd call my dad for backup, like the governor bringin' in the National Guard.

Rochelle

Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.

Chris

No.

Narrator

Well, it's been nice knowin' you, America.

Narrator

First thing in the morning, my mother did the meanest thing yet: nothin'.

Chris

Why didn't you wake me up? I'm late for school!

Rochelle

You grown. Wake yourself up. If you don't wanna do nothin' for me, I ain't doin' nothin' for you.

Narrator

And she didn't. She didn't do my laundry.

Chris

Where's my underwear?

Rochelle

You grown. Wash your own drawers.

Narrator

She didn't make my meals.

Chris

Where's my breakfast?

Rochelle

You grown. You can cook your own food.

Monk

I also will take that, uh... helmet and those death darts.

Mr. Omar

That's a crock-pot and pens, man!

Monk

Not in the jungle, it's not. You know, I can make me a hand grenade out of a can of Cheez Whiz and a dress sock.

Mr. Omar

Well, you need to use it to blow your own brains out. Don't they have centers for people like you?

Chris

My mom's been mad at me before, and she'll be mad at me again. What's the worst she can do, not be my mother anymore?

Rochelle

I'd like to return this child.

Do you have the receipt?

Rochelle

Sure do.

Looks good! Take this to the cashier for your refund.

Rochelle

Thank you!

Narrator

I was tryin' to become my own person, but my mother still thought she owned me.

Rochelle

What you think you doin'?

Chris

I'm makin' breakfast.

Rochelle

With my eggs?

Chris

No, I bought the eggs, and I bought the bacon.

Rochelle

Oh. Well, you ain't buy that skillet. You ain't buy that fire. You ain't buy that spatula. You ain't buy that plate.

Chris

Next time, I'll remember to buy a paper plate.

Rochelle

Oh, next...? "Oh, next time, I'll remember to buy a paper..." No, next time, you need to remember: This ain't your kitchen! This ain't your stove, this ain't your floor, those ain't your frozen gizzards, that ain't your...

Chris

You say none of this is mine. Maybe I should find someplace else to be.

Rochelle

Uh-oh! Did y'all see that? I guess he jumpin' bad now. You bad! I guess you Shaft! You's a bad mutha... Shut yo mouth! No! Since you're so independent, so liberated, maybe you need to go live in the Statue of Liberty.

Chris

Fine! I'm leavin'.

Narrator

I stood my ground, and now it was gonna be standin' out on the street.

Julius

You cuttin' the boy's arm off for stickin' his finger in the fan.

Narrator

What?

Rochelle

Cuttin' off his arm? I don't get it. So, am I the fan?

Drew

I'm pretty sure Chris is the arm.

Tonya

No, I think the arm is the arm.

Rochelle

Chris is the boy.

Julius

Yeah, Chris is the boy. Look, stickin' his finger in the fan is just the equivalent of doin' something stupid.

Drew

Like talkin' back to Mom.

Julius

Right.

Tonya

So cuttin' the arm off is kickin' him outta the house?

Julius

Exactly.

Rochelle

So, if he stuck his finger in the fan and I didn't like it, cuttin' his arm off so he wouldn't do it again [along with Julius] wouldn't help.

Tasha

Boy, you so crazy.

Narrator

Oh, I'm crazy, all right.

Rochelle

Will both of y'all shut up?!

Narrator

That don't rhyme!

Greg

Oh, man! You're gonna be so in there! I can't believe you ran it down! I only just ran. What'd she say?

Chris

She said she'll think about it.

Greg

But what does that mean?

Chris

It means, "Lemme check every option, see if I can get someone I want, and if not, I'll go out with you."

Narrator

When she said every option, she meant every option. She checked blind guys.

Tasha

Do you have a girlfriend?

Yeah, girl. What are you, blind?

Narrator

She checked dangerous guys.

Tasha

Do you have a girlfriend?

Yeah, he does! Now gimme your money!

Narrator

She even checked guys who were girls.

Tasha

Do you have a girlfriend?

I'm my own girlfriend.

Tasha

What'd you get me?

Narrator

A big box of nothin'.

Chris

I got a surprise for you later.

Tasha

You do? What is it?

Narrator

It's a surprise to me, too.

Chris

Well, I wanted to wait till later, but, you know, after I get home from school, I wanted to celebrate with you. I'll bring your present then.

Narrator

Good one!

Tasha

Ooh! And then we can go to Mr. Woo's and get some Chinese food. And then we can talk about what this crazy girl said to me at school. And then we can talk about...

Narrator

Another thing I learned quickly is that much like bin Laden, girlfriends like to make plans, and those plans did not include Greg.

Narrator

The best thing about the girl next door is that she's right next door, and the worst is that she's right next door.

Tasha

I will not be ignored, Chris.

Narrator

I'm lucky I don't have a pet rabbit.

Narrator

After everything I'd been through with Tasha and as crazy as she acted, she really did have a point. Breakin' up over one fight wasn't worth it, and if she didn't think it was over, then it wasn't over.

Tasha

Oh, Chris.

Chris

Hey. I was mad earlier.

Tasha

I noticed.

Chris

It's not that I want to break up with you. I just think we need to get clear about some things.

Tasha

Like what?

Chris

First of all, you cannot cancel my work so we can go hang out.

Tasha

OK.

Chris

And I'm sorry that I overreacted. I'm new to this relationship stuff.

Tasha

OK.

Chris

Good. [tries to kiss Tasha, but she rejects him] What's wrong?

Tasha

I am breaking up with you.

Chris

I thought you said that we were still together.

Tasha

Until I said we were breaking up. We're breaking up. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

Narrator

Me, either.