Dude, where's our car?
That sounds like the title of a movie.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Cigarettes?
Careful! They might complicate your pregnancy.
Why is everybody lookin' at me?
Because you smokin' a carrot.
We can go to the shore to get girls. We can drive to Manhattan to get girls. We can go to Coney Island to get girls.
Do you realize that it's still gonna be us in the car?
It doesn't matter. Cars equal girls.
After sayin' "No" to my mother for the first time, I didn't know what to expect.
What did you say?!
I said no.
Twice!
That's what I thought you said. [throws some silverware at Chris, who has been pinned to a door because of that, then threatens him with a knife] Now say it again.
Ma, I didn't eat all the dinner by myself. I shouldn't have to clean it all up by myself.
I don't wear all the clothes, but... I wash them by myself. I don't sleep in all the beds in this house, but I... I make them all by myself. I don't pee in all of the toilets in this house by myself!
Ma, Drew and Tonya are sittin' right there doin' nothin'. Why can't they help?
Because I told you to do it! Now, I don't wanna hear no more back talk. Now, clean this mess up.
No. I'm not gonna do it.
Lord, please help me before I knock this boy's neck off. Eight... Nine... T-ten!
I wouldn't see a woman that perplexed again until Palin found out her daughter was knocked up.
Where have you been?
I stopped to get coffee.
With his coffee coupon.
With my father on his way to Doc's, I was a dead man workin'.
I just need to understand why you would talk to your mother like that.
Dad, Drew and Tonya were sittin' down watchin' TV and I'm the only one Mom said to go clean up. It's just not fair. You raised me to stand up for myself, so why do I get in trouble when I do it at home?
Look, Chris, you might win the battle, but you're gonna lose the war. Sometimes it's not about just being right. Hey, look, you need to apologize to your mother.
Why?
Because she will make your life miserable. Do you know how many times I've been right and still had to apologize? 469,531 times!
And countin'!
How is that even possible?
Because she doesn't care!
It doesn't make any sense!
Exactly. Look, that's the #1 rule of livin' with women: Nothing makes sense. When you learn this, then you'll finally understand what it is to be a man. Wrong or right, you still have to be sorry.
I had survived the walk home. Now all I had to do was apologize, and my life would go back to normal.
I had put my foot down, but unfortunately, it was into my own grave.
While my mother was teachin' me lessons about life, Mr. Omar was teachin' a lesson about death.
How come when a woman says, "Fine," it's never actually fine?
Will you quit bein' stupid and go clean up the kitchen like Momma told you?!
Why is this table such a mess?
Somebody fired the maid.
Chris, you are a child. Parents don't negotiate with children.
When you're a kid, one of the most important lessons you learn is when your parents tell you to do something...
Y'all better eat that liver.
CDChris, Drew and Tonya
Yes, ma'am.
...you do it, no matter what you think.
Boy, get your feet off my good chair.
Yes, ma'am.
No matter what it is.
Girl, are you crazy?! If you wanna cook your brother, do it outside!
Yes, ma'am.
No matter how you feel.
Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.
No!
What?
Will I say what I just said again? Will my mother kill me before I get a chance to say it? Are Drew and Tonya gonna sit there and just let this happen? Don't touch that dial!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Everybody Hates Chris pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.