Clara quotes from Drawn Together

Lately I feel like there's something missing.

Did you check the colored girl's room?

No, I mean there's something missing in my life

You are a princess, uh-duuuuh!

I know that, father, but I long for so much more.

Of course you do, that's because you're a princess, and that's what princesses do, they long for more. Or die in a car crash in France.

Ugh! You were just gonna leave that there? Bitch, pick it up!

Fuck you, fatty foopah!

Pick it up or I'm sending you back to hell! [pulls a gun at Captain Hero]

All right, Toot, drop your weapon! [pulls a gun at Toot]

Xandir

No, you drop it! [pulls a gun on Clara]

Spanky

Nobody holds a gun to my girl but me! [also pulls a gun on Clara]

All right, let's fucking do this! [has a lot of mulitiple arms with guns, knife, etc. pointed at everyone but himself] I'm not afraid to DIE!! [sprouts yet another arm with a gun pointed at himself]

You now found the treasure firmly in your hand, but then you woke up.

And it had turned to sand and now you have to face the facts.

Spanky

It's a huge shit sandwich.

Xandir

And you have to take a bite.

Ling-Ling

It's a huge shit sandwich.

And you got to take a big old steamin' bite.

Of the shit sandwich.

Xandir

You dreamed of A-list parties.

A talk show on late night.

But those dreams burned up like a concert with Great White.

Xandir

And you're like a club owner without insurance.

It's a huge shit sandwich.

Ling-Ling

And you have to take a bite.

It's a huge shit sandwich.

And you have to take a

Big old steamin' bite

Of the shit sandwich.

Can we talk about how great our new roommate is? She's, like, so great!

Xandir

To Sweetcake, for making us prove that we're all replacable.

And to the teeniest ass you can tap without setting off an AMBER Alert.

[screams] What is this unholy abomination?!

Hi, Clara. You're just in time to witness a fake gay marriage for the health insurance.

What? If gays get married, the institution of marriage will be destroyed! Societies will crumble! Rivers will run with blood! Nazis will once again ride on dinosaurs!

Spanky

I'll take care of this. [to Clara] Hey Clara, there's a Jew outside trying to poison a well!

[screams] Oh my God! [runs to well] Get away from that well, Hebrew!

What? I'm putting in water purification tablets!

Spanky tricked me. As God as my witness, I'll put an end to this gay marriage, I swear!

Nice tits.

This is Princess Clara calling for the King of Insurance. Yes, I'd like to report a fake gay marriage.

And I'd like to report a great set of tits.

[In confessional] The producers told us that we must start a business of our choosing. I wanted to have a bake sale, but the stereotypes had other ideas.

Xandir

Let's open a hair salon!

Ooh, we could shine shoes!

Ling Ling

I say full-release massage parlor that serves wok-fried puppies!

LET'S EAT POTATO SALAD!!!

[In confessional] Finally we all agreed...

A suicide hotline!

Suicide hotline? Who the hell came up with that?

(in confessional) Goddamned white producers with their goddamned white flashes. They can edit us to make us say whatever they want. My taint is made out of bacon. STOP IT! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, my taint. 100% pure bacon.

Freeze, douchebags!

Jeff! What you doing?

My name isn't Jeff. My real name is Jeffery and I'm part of an undercover sting unit called the Special Tactical Operations Unit to Catch People Who Set Up Suicide Hotlines Because of a Reality Show Challenge and Then Didn't Follow Through on Them So They Caused the People Who Needed Them to Take Their Own Lives and Then They Changed their Minds When They Realized Not All People Should Be Forced to Live So They Try to Assist Someone in Euthanasia, or as we call it for short, the STOUTCPWSUSHBOARSCATDFTOTSTCTPWNTTTTMWTRNAPSBFTLSTTTASIE Team.

Goddamn hotline!

I can't go back to jail! I won't go back! [She jumps and through the window, screaming as she falling to her death]

Larry the Tomato

I'm sorry for thinking impure thoughts. [whips himself]

I'm sorry for being so phallic. [whips himself]

I'm sorry for buying child slaves from third world countries. [whips herself]

Free! [drops his feather duster]

[to the Chinese boy] I said "I'm sorry", not "stop dusting!"

I'm sorry I masturbated! [whips himself] And I'm sorry I helped people! [whips himself again] And I'm sorry I spied on Clara going potty every morning!

What? That's disgusting!

You're one to talk, Princess Smell-Your-Wipes. [Clara whips him]

Clara, stop! You mustn't use one of those. God forbids it!

Goddamn it, what's the point of having a secret deep programming room if everybody know where it is?

Clara, please put the clum baby down.

Spanky

But she's dying! She needs it!

I don't know what to do. I have the consumption.

Larry the Tomato

Then god wants you to have the consumption.

That's just retarded. What if God created clum babies because he wants Clara to live?

Larry the Tomato

But the bible says...

Spanky

Yeah, yeah, the bible says a lot of things...and not very clearly.

We ain't sayin' your interpretation is wrong, but perhaps the bible isn't a set of strict rules, but rather a guide to help each of us to find our personal relationship with the Lord.

I never thought of it that way.

Larry the Tomato

I guess that is possible.

[suddenly furious] ENOUGH FUCKING TALK! IN THE NAME OF GOD, PUT THE FUCKING CLUM BABY DOWN!

But, but...

Eh! But... but...but!

Jesus!

Larry the Tomato

This wasn't part of the plan! We agreed nobody would get hurt!

Spanky

Holy shit! Bob the Cucumber has gone crazy!

Is this crazy?

Spanky

No, please!

Xandir

What is it, doc?

My dear house mates, I'm afraid Foxxy Love does not have a brain tumor. [the other housemates breathe a sigh of relief] I, too, would be relieved, if it didn't happen to be...OPPOSITE DAY!

Wait a minute, I'm confused. Does Foxxy have a brain tumor?

No.

What the hell? Is it opposite day or dramatic music string day?!

Neither!

A baby, from Nicaragua.

A baby! A baby from Nicaragua! [kisses the baby's face 8 times] Come on, baby from nicaragua, let's go fix mommy's life.

You're such a pretty cow.

We love you.

Spanky

Nice horsey.

There you go, girl. Girl? Guys, live-action cow's acting really weird.

Let me see. [A close-up of live-action cow is having red eyes and foaming mouth] Red eyes, foaming mouth. Zoinks! Live-action cow has rabbis!

It's pronounced "rabies", although they're both incurable diseases.

Spanky

She must have gotten rabies from live-action squirrel with big balls.

[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Hey, Xandir. My mama finally got her settlement check and bought herself a double-wide.

[as Xandir's father] Yes, and she deserved it. She gave up ten years of her life and six of her fingers for that chicken plant.

[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] You know, I've been practicing this trick where I drink 10 beers and let you do whatever you want to me, I'm getting REAL good at it.

[as Xandir's father] Mary Lou?

[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Hey, Xandir's dad. What happened to your eye?

[as Xandir's father] Nothing, nothing. What are you doing in this hour? It's getting dark.

[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Play practice went a little late.

[as Xandir's father] Hop in, I'll give you a ride home. You like Starship?

[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Who doesn't?

[as Xandir's father] Heater's broke, but it's warm over here. You can slide over nice and close. Mary Lou, I don't know why my boy ever broke up with you. You sure are a pretty little thing.

[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Why, thank you, Xandir's Dad.

[as Xandir's father] Now I know you've been with lots of boys, but have you ever been with a man?

[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"; She sucks Toot's thumb, moans]

[as Xandir's father] Ohhh, yeah...you like my thumb, don't you, bitch? Well, let me show you something almost as big.