Captain Hero quotes from Drawn Together

Captain Leslie Hero! You thought this would prove you're not a lame superhero?!

Mom, don't call me Leslie in front of Two-Hands!

The doctor was right! You are SO lame!

I'm not lame!

Yes! Yes you are! [rips his posters off the wall]

Please, Mom! Please don't do that! Don't be mean to me!

I'm not being mean to you. You're just too lame to say it!

You don't know what I can do, what I'm gonna do and you don't know! You don't know who I'm gonna be! You don't know how good I am! I have good things and you don't know it! Like I'm gonna be somebody, and don't tell me I'm not! [runs off crying]

Xandir

Oh, come on, Captain Hero. You're not the lamest superhero ever. Come out of the dumpster.

No. This is where my mommy wanted me to be anyways.

I'm cured! Oh, I'm cured! My therapist made me realize that it's not my fault my parents are dead. I couldn't have stopped Zebulon from crashing into the sun.

You mean the planet Zebulon? Zebulon didn't crash into no sun, Captain Tardo.

What'choo talkin' 'bout, Foxxy?

Zebulon is a triving planet with a booming economy.

Huh, yeah right. [snort] As if.

We order Zebulonese takeout food all the time. You love the deep fried Zebulonads.

I never put the two together.

Spanky

Don't you remember? We went to Zebulon for spring break.

Dude, I was so wasted the whole time!

Xandir

Plus, we're stealing out cable from Zebulon.

Okay, okay! I get it!

Spanky

How else could we watch Everybody Loves Zorgleblat? Man, I hate that Patricia Hetenglab, what a clexblunt.

Well then, if Zebulon didn't blow up, that would mean...my parents are still alive...oh my God. Oh my God! OH MY GOD!

Captain Hero, you are in direct violation of code 24601, gambling on your own battles.

What? Since when has that been illegal?

For as long as stealing, sexual assault and murder have been.

Those are illegal too? Wow, I really am a terrible superhero!

Folks, the League of Heroes and I tried to take a dive here today, and I think we all learnt an important lesson.

Yeah, you suck!

No, it's that even though we slaughtered the Indians and took their land, we shouldn't let them have casinos because gambling brings out the worst in weak-minded white people. In conclusion...USA! USA! USA!

What's going on in here?

Oh, nothing, Captain Shero is just trying to take my barrette!

It's pronounced Captain "Hero", the 'S' is silent, you hit-head!

By the time I arrived, the Mad-Libber was gone and Captain Girl had been poisoned to death.

Xandir

Poisoned? Then why is there blood on her uniform?

It was that time of the month.

Xandir

That doesn't really--

WHAT ARE YOU, TWELVE?! Once a month, in the most beautiful and natural process known possible, blood comes flowing out of a woman's butthole. But now, blood will never flow out of Captain Girl's butthole ever again!

Spanky

Ooh, live-action poo!

Wooldoor, have you been going into the live-action forest again?

I, um, well, um, brought it home because I thought they'd make nice slippers.

It's an honest mistake.

You're such a pretty cow.

We love you.

Spanky

Nice horsey.

There you go, girl. Girl? Guys, live-action cow's acting really weird.

Let me see. [A close-up of live-action cow is having red eyes and foaming mouth] Red eyes, foaming mouth. Zoinks! Live-action cow has rabbis!

It's pronounced "rabies", although they're both incurable diseases.

Spanky

She must have gotten rabies from live-action squirrel with big balls.

I shot Live-Action Cow and now she's dead! [Cries]

So tell me, bro, did you... [Whisper's into Wooldoor's ear]

What? Why would I do that? She was my friend!

So she's out there dead in the woods, her milky, white, supple udder just lying there in a remote forest clearing? Dibs! [kicks Clara in the leg and runs off]

Oh Lord, if there is a sport that I can master, please give me a sign!

Hey, y'all, who wants to sponsor me? I'm goin' in the AIDS Walk next week. It's per mile.

Walk? I can walk! [Looks at the folder Foxxy is holding]

So you are going to sponsor me? You know it's per mile, right?

Hell's no, I'll be sponsoring you! I'll be sponsoring me, to win the AIDS Walk!

The Aid's Walk isn't a competition, asshole, it's a charity! Like "Not Spitting on Ugly People". [spits at Toot in the face] I gave at the office.

I'll practice night and day, and before you know it, I'll do more walking and have more AIDS than you can possibly imagine!

Popeye, are you alright?

It's time ya knew. I've contracted the deadly AIDS virus from sharing steroid needles. [Shows his hand covered in bloody syringes]

AIDS? How come I've never heard of this AIDS? They should have a walk or something to raise awareness.

[coughs and wheezes] Get clean for me Cap'n. [Sings] Oh, I'm weak at the finish, 'cause AIDS beats out Spinach, I'm Popeye the dyin' man. [Toots] Of AIDS!

[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Hey, Xandir. My mama finally got her settlement check and bought herself a double-wide.

[as Xandir's father] Yes, and she deserved it. She gave up ten years of her life and six of her fingers for that chicken plant.

[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] You know, I've been practicing this trick where I drink 10 beers and let you do whatever you want to me, I'm getting REAL good at it.

Hey, Xandir, I just got this new wind-up duckie! Its feet actually paddle through the water!

Xandir

Let's try it out in the bathtub! [they run up to the bathroom to find Toot about to put a toaster in the water] Why are you killing yourself this time, Toot?

It's my birthday and no one remembered. I'm fat, old, ugly, and everyone hates me!

Hmmm...maybe people hate you because you won't get out their bathtubs when they want to play with their duckies!

Xandir

Hey, Hero, I was thinking, we should throw Toot a surprise birthday.

If we're all gonna shout out what we're thinking, I'VE been thinking about paying a prostitute to shove bowling pins up my ass!

Captain Hero, fan rumor has it that your relationship with Xandir has continued since the show ended.

Oh, you got it all wrong, habibe. Xandir had an affair with Tim Tommerson, not me. [everyone laughs] Fine, I'll prove it. Tim!

Xandir

Oh my God, Tim! I thought you loved me!

Why would he love you when he could have all this? [Rips off his shirt and flexes his muscles]

You have something to say?

Those ain't real! Check these out! [flashes her breasts]