Captain Hero quotes from Drawn Together

We're not going to let them destroy us, are we, pledges?

Sir, never, sir!

And to prove it, Xandir, lock yourself in a trunk of a car with this bottle of whiskey and don't come out until it's empty! [Hands Xandir a bottle of "Jack Daniels"]

Xandir

Sir, yes, sir!

And Wooldoor, you tie one end of this rope to your penis and the other around this brick, and then throw it over the balcony!

Sir! Thank you for making my wish come true, sir!

[Puts on a "Make-a-Wish" cap] There goes one brave kid.

Hero, can we talk?

Xandir

He has nothing to say to you!

Shut up, Xandir. Can't you have one pair of lips that isn't always flapping in the wind?

I understand if you hate me. But I still think about you...a lot.

Gah, you miss the crashes. That's what you miss.

Sure, they were fun. But people being horribly maimed and disfigured means nothing, if I can't share it with you. Maybe we can give it one more shot, and cause a different kind of crash...between our hearts.

[offscreen] Boo!

[offscreen] Sir, please come with me.

[offscreen] What?! I didn't do anything!

[offscreen] I warned you.

[offscreen] I can boo if I want, it's a free country-- [getting handcuffed] Get off me!

[offscreen] I warned you.

[offscreen] You leave me alone! [getting electrocuted by a taser, screaming]

Think about it, Hero. [Dresses up as Waldo from Where's Waldo by putting on a red and white striped shirt, red and white pom pom hat and round glasses] You know where to find me. [Disappears into the crowd]

OH MY GOD! Sleeping Beauty? Snow White? Ariel?

I can't feel my fin!

That's what we get for letting Mulan drive.

Stay with me, Sleeping Beauty!

But I'm tired, so very tired. [she felt dead]

NOOO!!!

Well, once again, Captain Hero has saved the day. And remember, kids, never mess with the emotions of a dangerous lunatic. I'm off! [imitates plane engine, running around]

Hello?

Pardon me, sir, but did you buy some Zebulonian sperm and give birth to a giant stupidhead?

Who wants to know?

I do, for I am the donor. My name is Captain Hero.

Captain Hero? Oh no!

Oh no, what?

I am your...sister.

Xandir

Of course she is.

Oh, Wooly Bully and I spent another fun-filled day at the Museum of Tolerance. Every time we go, it reminds us that the world's a tolerant place where nothing ever goes wrong.

OH MY GOD!

We've been robbed! [redos everything he just did backwards] Erehw ecalp tnarelot a s'dlrow eht taht su sdnimer ti og ew emit yreve. Ecnarelot fo Muesum eht ta yad dellif-nuf rehtona tneps I & Yllub Yloow, ho. We've been robbed!

It was probably the blacks or the Mexicans.

Xandir

Hero, using assault rifles and armour-piercing bullets to hunt? Don't you think that's a bit excessive?

Screw you all! It's my right to use these weapons anyway I please, and nothing is going to change my mind.

You killed my mother!

Sucks to be you!

[cries] I'm so sad and so cute! I miss mommy!

I know, broham, but I was just hunting. Ever since the prehistoric cave Jews hunted down Jesusaurses, slaughtering defenceless creatures has been our nation's pastime.

I'm not saying you need to stop hunting…

Bitchin'!

But using assault rifles and armor-piercing bullets is just not fair.

Huh?

Just give us a fighting chance, Mr. Hero. Maybe mommy would have lived! [crying]

Guess again! It's me, Bambi!

Just because I'm dating your mother it doesn't mean we have to hang out all the time.

You humans have hunted us since the dawn of time. And now, it is our turn to hunt you! Attack!

[In confessional] So I was all alone at the dance. And worse, the meteor was about to smash into the Earth! And if the movie "Deep Impact" had anything to go by, the whole planet was about to become boring and unwatchable.

Captain Hero, you got to stop that meteor!

Can't you see I'm already one knuckle deep into fifth base?

Shoo! [he pushes Foxxy]

That's it! [in microphone] Hold up, everybody! Now I know y'all think Captain Hero is real cool.

But he ain't.

I don't know what I was thinking. I fooled y'all into thinking Hero was cool by pretending to be his girlfriend so he would stop that meteor!

Wait! I can explain!

Oh, really? Then explain this now. [tears off Hero's Lando costume]

Spanky? Clara? Steve from Long Island? [goes over to Xandir and Wooldoor] Oh, hey, man. You were right. The cool kids are assholes.

Xandir

You shit on my house, man.

I know, I know.

Xandir

You shit on my house!

Yeah, you said that already.

Fine, if we must, we must. But before we eat Ling-Ling, let's take a moment to remember the good times.

I’ll always remember our trip to Paris... [The housemates are all seen together in Paris] Guys, this trip has really bringed us together.

Ling-Ling

Yes, Ling-Ling comfortable enough to share greatest fear. No matter what happen, please, no eat Ling-Ling.

And remember when we all got fucking wasted on the roof? [Next the housemates are sitting on the roof looking at the stars] Oh look, a shooting star!

Ling-Ling

Ling-Ling only wish is for roommates not to eat his body when he die.

Oh, and remember that time when Ling-Ling learnt to speak English?

Ling-Ling

[Speaking in English] What's wrong with you people?! Why don't you listen to me? Ling-Ling religion very specific. If body even so dead, he should not be eaten!

Spanky

Well, guys, let's dig in. [Hands out chopsticks] It’s what Ling-Ling would’ve wanted.

DAMN YOU SCROTO! Aww...

His name is Scroto?

Yes.

So that's what your arch-nemesis does?

Yep.

No bank robberies?

Uh-uh.

Or blowing up the planet?

Nope.

He just tricks superheroes into washing his balls?

Not all superheroes. Just me...just me.

What a strange, strange villain.

This has gotten so good! You know that kid I've been fucking with?

Xandir

Um, yeah, you mean you?

Yes. It turns out he's unstable! [suddenly enraged] WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?!

Xandir

Because you're talking to me.

[sobbing] Then why won't you listen?!? [calm again] Anyhoo...

One house to hold us all.

Eight different cartoon characters.

Letting it all hang out.

In front of one million cameras.

We're Drawn Together!

Yeah!

Captain Hero, the votes are in, and you are...safe!

Oh my God! I love you, America! So why shouldn't we have a fucking baby?!