Okay, let's go get Megan!
Okay, but first...
What?
I gotta pee really bad.
Well, can't you hold it?
Yeah, I... [strained] No!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I can't believe that we're in Los Angeles driving a stolen car!
It's not stolen.
STOLEN!!!!
We borrowed it. Which is a perfectly reasonable choice when you're trying to avoid being attacked by 2 maniacs.
Good morning class. My name is Mr. Nichols. Now, today we're going to be learning about the atom.
AAdam
Oh! My names Adam.
No, I mean we'll be learning about molecular bonding. Now, I'm going to be teaching you guys all kinds of cool stuff about chemistry. So, you're going to need these special textbooks.
Advanced molecular theory?
AAdam
[while having a college textbook on his desk] Uh, this is a college textbook!
I know
Yo, boob.
Excuse me, Megan, I'm your teacher!
Sorry, Mr. Boob. This stuff is way to hard for us.
[Megan's class mumble]
Shh! Alright, look, I believe that kids are way more capable then you're givin' credit for.
BBoy
Kevin's eating glue!
[takes the glue away from Kevin] Don't you know your not supposed to eat glue!? [Kevin mumbles with his mouth full of glue] Look, I just think that young people need to be challenged and I'm Mr. Challenge!
You said you're Mr. Nichols!
AAdam
I thought he was Mr. Boob!
[Megan's class laugh]
Hey, watch it. Alright, I can be quick with the timeouts! Just saying!
That guy's your brother?
Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
[with German accent] Alright, I am a very famous person. Who am I?
A hobo?
No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist.
NNeil
Harry Potter.
No. Harry Potter is a wizard. Think. I am a German scientist.
AAdam
A hobo!
[in his normal accent] Dude, I'm Albert Einstein! You should know this from your homework last night.
I told you, we weren't doing it.
Wait a minute. None of you did your homework?
I tried to, but I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me.
And?
She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel.
Well, then I guess I'm going to have to give you all a pop quiz.
[Megan's class complain]
SKSeveral kids
WHAT?!
OKOne kid
That's not even fair!
Yo, Einstein. If you give us a quiz on homework we didn't do, we're gonna fail!
You shouldn've thought of that when you weren't doing your homework.
Your brother is getting on my nerves.
AAdam
Yeah, he's bugging me, too.
It's not my fault.
HMs. Hunter
[comes in] Alright children- Oh no! Security! We've got another hobo in the classroom!
[the security guard sprays Josh's face]
I'm not a hobo! STAND DOWN!
Hey, guys. [her friends stare at her] Happy birthday, Katie.
Oh, hi, Megan.
I think you're gonna love this!(Talking about her present)
Uh, didn't you get my text message?
What text message?
The one where I un-invited to this party.
Um, why would you un-invite me?
BBoy
Cause nobody wants you here.
[satisfied, after Josh was fired by her and Drake] Strike 3 and you're out!
Good morning, adolescents. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet. [looks at the empty seat] We have an empty seat, who's not here?
BBecca
[runs up to Mrs. Hayfer] Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again.
What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? [as she leaves] Helga? Helga?!
So what are the lunch ladies fighting about?
BBecca
Oh, they're not fighting.
Why'd you tell Mrs. Hayfer they were fighting?
[walks in] Thank you, Becca.
Of course.
And how could I ever repay you?
BBecca
I think you can guess. [Drake and Becca kiss on the cheek] Let me know if you need more help.
Let me know if you need more Drake. [Becca walks away] Oh, and Josh, you left your ointment at home.
Is nothing personal?
Well, the lunch ladies were not fighting and I don't know why those girls called- [sees Drake sitting down] Drake Parker, were you here when I left?
Oh, oh, yeah, totally. You probably didn't see me because I had my face buried in this book.
Are you lying to me Drake?
Would I lie to you?
Let me think, yes. But I know someone who never lies. [walks over to Josh] Josh? Was Drake on time to my class today?
Um, you know, what is time? When you think about it because Einstein theorized that time actually-
Josh!
[whines] No, he wasn't here on time.
Josh!
[continues whining] He told that girl to come in here so you'd have to leave so he could to sneak into class. I'm sorry, I can't lie. If you murder me in my sleep tonight I'd appreciate you doing it in a way that's not painful. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! [ends up getting a scary emotion]
See you tomorrow, class.
Okay, how many days of detention are you going to give me?
None!
None!
She said none.
I heard the none.
I'm putting you in Remedial English. [Drake and Josh gasp] What's the matter, Drake? Did you not enjoy your last experience in Remedial English class?
[Drake has a dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students]
[with his hands and feet tied-up] Would someone like to come to the board and diagram that sentence? And perhaps untie me.
BBully
[yelling] STOP TALKING!
Oh, I don't think you're allowed to have dogs in school.
BBully
[yelling] YOU LEAVE CUDDLES ALONE!
[the goth girls sit next to Drake]
GGGoth Girl 2
I heard you kiss good.
Oh no, not really!
GGGoth Girl 1
You're our new boyfriend.
GGGoth Girl 2
I get to kiss him first!
GGGoth Girl 1
No, I do!
GGGoth Girl 2
No, you don't!
[the goth girls struggle to kiss Drake]
[whining] SAVE ME CUDDLES! [Drake's dream ends as the scene cuts to him in the classroom] Okay, you cannot put me back in Remedial English!
Well, there is one other option.
What other option?
I could give you a little sibling.
A baby pig?
A sibling is a brother or sister.
Yes, my husband Gerald is a sponsor for the little sibling foundation.
I'm almost sure little siblings are baby pigs.
[yelling] WELL, THEY'RE NOT!
Little siblings is an organization that matches up underprivileged kids with an older brother or sister.
So you're gonna punish me by making me babysit some kid?
I'm hoping that it will teach you to be responsible. It's your choice Drake, you can get a little sibling or you can go back to Remedial English class. Which will it be?
I'll take the baby pig.
[comes in The Premiere and finds Drake and Josh with Sammy] Very, very, interesting.
Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public?
Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would you take Sammy to the nurse for a moment?
There's no nurse here-
TO THE NURSE!
Come on, Sammy! [he and Sammy run off]
Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain.
Drake, we had a deal. You stay out of remedial English as long as your Sammy's big sibling but if Sammy prefers Josh, well I think we know what will happen to you.
[Drake has another dream sequence in Remedial English with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students and a vicious dog named Cuddles that's controlled by a bully]
[with his hands and feet tied-up] WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE!
[2 Gothic love starved Bartleby sisters try to kiss Drake as Drake's second dream ends]
Okay, okay, just give me 1 day and I promise Sammy will love me.
Make sure it happens. [walks away but stops for a little bit to talk to Drake] Oh, and Drake. Guess what?
What?
[satisfied] I hate you.
[worried] I know.
Mr. Talbot, the principal wants to see Drake right now.
Very well, Drake, you may go.
Yes, sir.
[Megan and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room]
I so don't want to do this!
Come on! Just work with me for 10 minutes!
What are you guys doing?
He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted.
[to Josh] Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously!
I just want to be good, alright?
It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it.
Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. [he leaves the room] Megan, you ready?
Wait, let me go over my line. [looks at her script] What? Okay, I'm ready!
Drake, yell action!
[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar] Action.
[walks through the door] Where's the money?
What?
Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! [Megan giggles] Oh come on! You can't giggle!
You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed.
Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. [leaves the room] Drake!
[unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar] Action.
[walks through the door] Where's the money?
What?
Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing!
There's a cop behind you.
[turns around] What cop? [Megan pushes him through the door and locks it] Megan! Open this door! Alright, fine! I'll just bust it down! [tries to get in, but he falls to the floor] Never mind.
[Drake and Megan laugh]
It happened 3 times.
Just get to work!
[Drake helps Josh dress up as a hippie to avoid getting caught]
Come on.
I feel like an idiot.
You look fine.
[he walks out, in a hippie disguise] I look so stupid.
So, at least you're not gettin' beat up or arrested.
I guess. What it ease? People are staring at me.
So, just ignore 'em. At least it's working.
MMan
Hey, it's the Theater Thug!
No, no, no!
MMan
And he's wearing a hippie disguise!
No, no! See, my name is Antoine. How are you?
OOld Lady
Don't let him get away!
[being crowded] I'm--no, I'm not the guy! hey, It's not me! I'm... [whistles blows] Wait, wait! [dragged by the police] I'm not the guy! You've got the--No! [sputtering] I'm not--I'm not the guy! No! Tell him I'm not the guy! He went that way! He went--[dragged by the police again] I'm not the guy!
JOSH, DUCK! [accidentally hits Josh with a mop; to the thug] I have a mop!
[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]
Hi, parents.
Bye, parents.
[stops the boys from leaving] Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going?
Uh, to make history.
We're going to ride The Demonator.
No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols.
Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet.
Why do I always have to grab the feet?
[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]
Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator.
Sure we can.
Yeah, you only have to be this tall. [he puts his hand about yay high]
The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated.
Oh, come on, he fought in World War II.
The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat!
Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear?
Yes.
Fine.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Drake & Josh pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.