Doug quotes

"Say, Tippy. Wanna shag some balls?"

"Dear Diary, it's me... Doug. The school dance felt like it happened a long time ago, but I remember it like it was only yesterday. It all began... Well, this afternoon!"

Roger

"Trying on your costume for the big dance tonight? What are you? A pile of manure?!"

"Yes."

"And do you remember what you said?"

"Yes. 'Go away and leave me alone.'"

"Oh, you do remember! But you finally said 'yes' at our senior prom! As I recall, I swept you right off your feet."

"And into the refreshment table."

"Still, wasn't that hospital really nice?"

I hope Skeeter and me become best friends-[Porkchop begins growling]-best humans friends!

Fair? Who said rules had to be fair?

When will I cut my hair!?

Skeeter

When do we get a day off from school?

Well, excuse me, sir. But, You've just broken one of your own rules: "No grabbing other people's comics".

Patti

And according to your own rule book, the punishment is one Saturday Detention.

But, I can't stay here. I have a yodeling class.

It's a rule, Mr. Bone.

But it's a silly and pointless rule.

Patti

But that's what we've been telling you, Mr. Bone.

I don't want to miss my yodeling lesson.

Mr. Bone, may I suggest a new rule?

Not another rule.

Just one more... Rule Number 1,900,003: "No more Saturday Detentions".

Effective immediately?

Well, it's up to you, Mr. Bone.

Well, I say... last one out's a rotten egg!

[looking at Patti's painting] Maybe if you put a little more snow on top, and a couple more trees...

Patti

Huh??

...Or you can leave the trees off if you want. It's a perfectly beautiful mountain just like it is.

Patti

I-I-it's not a mountain, Doug. It's my grandmother!

Huh? [examines painting more closely and notices the peak of the mountain is actually an old woman's head] Well, of course. Heh heh. Just a little... art joke, Patti.

Mr. Bone, I promise I had nothing to do with that story! I didn't even know you wore pink underwear.

I DON'T! And you know what, Funnie? You're gonna write that on the blackboard five thousand times!

That'll take me forever.

Mother...I am not going to have fun. This is research for my part in the next school play, "Teenage Bimbos from Planet Earth." As the lead bimbo I've got to find out what it's like being a typical shallow teenager. I've got to look into their empty heads and get into the character's vacuous soul.

Roger

[about to climb ladder to the window] It is the sun! And... and... Judy is the East!

Psst! Roger... Roger!

Roger

[climbing ladder] It is my lady! O, it is my love! O, that she knew she were! Won't you come to the window, my love?

Nice try, Romeo. But you're about thirty years too late.

Our house is over there, Roger.

Roger

Hey, uh, Funnie.

Yeah?

Roger

I'm-I'm counting on you.

Stinky is a girl? Roger, why didn't you tell me?

Roger

Well, how was I supposed to know?

Son, we're way past due for a very important talk.

[hands Patti a doorknob] It's for you. It's just something I thought would help you remember-

Patti

The Pattersons?

The Pattersons, what?

Patti

It's the Pattersons' door knocker. They were our next door neighbors.

Boy, I can't even get the right door knocker.

Patti

No Doug. I'd like to keep it, if that's okay with you.

To remind you of how dumb I am?

Patti

No... to remind me of how sweet you are.

Huh?

Why if everybody thought of what they say, well, everything will be all higgledy piggledy. Isn't that right, Funnie?

Yes, sir. All higgledy piggledy.