Patricia Patti Mayonnaise quotes from Doug

Patti

Great costume. You make a wonderful slug.

[flustered while trying to explain his science fair project to Patti] Well... uh... uh... the reason the lava keeps shooting up into the air is... because I... love you.

Patti

Huh??

I mean... above you. The sparks go above you.

Now, class, does anyone know what the Sixth Article of the Constitution says? ... Patti?

Patti

The Sixth Article of the Constitution states the courts shall have the power to punish anyone who covers the science lab with molten lava.

And do we know anyone like that?

[turning and pointing in unison at Doug, who is crouched at the side of his desk] IT'S HIM!

[jumping on top of his desk and putting a rose in his mouth] You'll never get... wa na na... Jack Bandit! [swings across classroom on a rope, and before escaping out the window, tosses his rose to Patti, who catches it]

Patti

[dreamily] What a guy!

[through megaphone] Funnie! This is goin' on your permanent record!

Patti

Jack! You've got to escape!

[rolling out of policeman's arms] So long, suckers!!!

[narrating] It seemed as if my only chance was to go on the lam.

Well, excuse me, sir. But, You've just broken one of your own rules: "No grabbing other people's comics".

Patti

And according to your own rule book, the punishment is one Saturday Detention.

But, I can't stay here. I have a yodeling class.

It's a rule, Mr. Bone.

But it's a silly and pointless rule.

Patti

But that's what we've been telling you, Mr. Bone.

I don't want to miss my yodeling lesson.

Mr. Bone, may I suggest a new rule?

Not another rule.

Just one more... Rule Number 1,900,003: "No more Saturday Detentions".

Effective immediately?

Well, it's up to you, Mr. Bone.

Well, I say... last one out's a rotten egg!

[looking at Patti's painting] Maybe if you put a little more snow on top, and a couple more trees...

Patti

Huh??

...Or you can leave the trees off if you want. It's a perfectly beautiful mountain just like it is.

Patti

I-I-it's not a mountain, Doug. It's my grandmother!

Huh? [examines painting more closely and notices the peak of the mountain is actually an old woman's head] Well, of course. Heh heh. Just a little... art joke, Patti.

[hands Patti a doorknob] It's for you. It's just something I thought would help you remember-

Patti

The Pattersons?

The Pattersons, what?

Patti

It's the Pattersons' door knocker. They were our next door neighbors.

Boy, I can't even get the right door knocker.

Patti

No Doug. I'd like to keep it, if that's okay with you.

To remind you of how dumb I am?

Patti

No... to remind me of how sweet you are.

Huh?

Patti

Boy, you guys should've told me earlier.

I know. I was embarrassed, I guess.

Patti

I could've given you another one to play with.

[shocked] Another one?

Patti

Sure. My dad gets these free from work. Here, take a whole box of them.

Listen, was tonight supposed to be a...whatever?

Patti

I don't know. Are you saying it was a...you know?

No, I don't think it was necessarily a...whatever. Unless you think it was a...you know.

Patti

Me neither.

I can't believe everyone thought it was.

[narrating] Dear journal, funny how on the best holiday, The worst thing that could happen, happened. The trouble started a couple of days before Christmas.

[shoos Porkchop to get him out of her way] Go away, porkchop, I'm busy! [rushes to get pinecone from Thin ice but was accidentally bitten when Porkchop tries to get her away from thin ice, yells in pain] Ow! My leg! Somebody help!

[runs to Beebe]

[points to Porkchop] I saw the whole thing.

[gasping to see Porkchop accidentally bit Porkchop]

[comforts Beebe] You poor thing.

[sees Beebe got bitten and was bleeding] What happened?

[angrily points at Porkchop] Porkchop attacked beebe.

[shocked] What? Porkchop. He what?!

Patti

Beebe, are you okay?

My leg! [moaning in pain]

[points to Porkchop] I saw the whole thing! He came up behind her and bit her.

[gets ticked and angrily screams at Porkchop] Porkchop, bad dog!

[whimpers]

When you're about to go someplace new, it can be kind of scary. You kind of want someone older and mature to tell you everything's gonna be alright. But I found out today that older, more mature person was... me.

Patti

Hey Doug! Catch up! We're all going to the Honker Burger to celebrate!