(accepting a teddy bear from a Protestant boy) I’m going to keep mine on my bed, where I sleep. In me knickers.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
As some of you may know, I took a bit of a sabbatical last year.
Do you mean when you shacked up with a slutty hairdresser but then she dumped you?
Miss Mallon, please! Raise your hand if you want to ask a question.
Okay, I think we should just move on.
The hairdresser certainly did.
PBProtestant Boy
She’s coming!
Who?
PBProtestant Boy
The woman. The small angry penguin woman.
Sister Michael! Shit!
Oh, good evening, Sister. We just popped round because we had a few questions about the British Empire, which the boys have cleared up for us now, so…
They weren’t talking about the British Empire, Sister. They were having a party. I could hear the music.
You will go far in life, Jenny. But you will not be well liked.
Sadly, Sister Patrick has decided to leave us. She’s returning to her missionary work, educating the heathen inhabitants of a primitive and savage place.
TTeacher
She’s taken a teaching post in Belfast, Sister.
Precisely.
Ach, this is lovely, Gerry.
I thought it’d be nice for us to do something together, just the two of us, you know?
(arriving to see them) Mary! Gerry! You’re not allowed to smoke in this place. Can you believe that? It’s barbaric.
Sarah, what are you doing here?
Mary said you were having a wee night to yourselves, so I thought you might want some company.
Why? W-why would you think that?
CCiaran
Sarah!
Himself as well, is it? Great(!)
Sweet Jesus.
CCiaran
Hiya, how are ye?
They don’t let you smoke in here, Ciaran. Can you credit it?
CCiaran
This is a nice surprise. When Sarah asked me to the cinema, I thought, well, I thought she meant just the two of us.
No, Ciaran, because that would be… What’s the word now? Normal.
CCiaran
Double date it is, then, so.
Wonder what’s keeping daddy. (She goes to see Granda Joe)
Excuse me?
I’ve got the tickets.
We haven’t decided what we want to see yet, Da!
Well, I liked the look of that one with all the lads in the line-up. It’s got your man in it, the farmer from glenroe.
What, Gabriel Byrne?
CCiaran
He’s done a fair bit since glenroe now.
(to Ciaran) Who are you? His agent?
Da, I don’t understand this. You hate the cinema.
Not since I discovered it’s the only way I can spend time with our colm. It’s the one place the boring bastard doesn’t talk.
But colm’s not here, is he, Da? (Granda Joe doesn’t answer) Da?
And that’s not to say, now, that in my younger years, I didn’t enjoy a boiled sweet. But then I heard tell of a fella from Ballynahinch-- What was it his name was, now? I had it there a minute ago. Ach, it’ll come to me. Anyway, this Ballynahinch lad, and, as I say, his name escapes me, but he was mad keen on the boiled sweets. Sure he couldn’t get enough of them. But in the end, well, didn’t he choke to death on one? A pear drop, I think it was. Or a clove rock, maybe. But either way, it’s not how I’d want to go.
I know, love. I know.
Ms. De Brún is amazing. I’ve just never met anyone like her.
She’s an inspiration.
Absolutely.
She really knows how to grab things by the balls.
Oh, yeah!
She’s changed my life, she really has.
She likes my accent.
I’d die for her.
I think I would too, you know.
Me too.
Aye, fuck it, why not?
Yeah. I mean, obviously I totally agree. I’d die for her as well, but I’m also conscious of the fact we’ve only know her, like, two days.
And?
Well, is it a bit weird she’s invited us to her house at night?
What do you mean?
Well, she’s a teacher.
She’s much more than a teacher.
Yeah. No, obviously I get that. She’s great, but it’s just that I have a feeling it might be sort of frowned upon.
God, Clare, you’re so conditioned.
What’s that supposed to mean?
It means you need to loosen the fuck up.
I am loose, thank you very much.
Face it, Clare, you’re a craic killer.
I’m not a craic killer. I AM NOT A CRAIC KILLER!
Well, well, well. What are you guys up to?
Nothing much.
We were just hanging out at Ms. De Brún’s house.
You were at her house? At night? Well, that’s a bit inappropriate.
Your ma is a bit inappropriate.
That doesn’t even make sense.
Your ma doesn’t even make sense.
Is she drunk?
Your ma’s drunk.
John’s really dying for peace, like, isn’t he? It’s all he ever goes on about. I hope it works out for him.
Belfast! Sure, why don’t you just sell the wains into white slavery and be done with it?
Gerry’ll be with them, Da.
That’s worse! Sure, they hate his kind there.
My kind?
Pricks.
Wise up, Mammy! As if a polar bear’s going to rock up at a Take That concert!
He wouldn’t get a ticket, for a start. They sold out months ago.
You’d be surprised, girls.
Aye, thon boys will get in where draughts wouldn’t.
Sure, the concert’s nowhere near the zoo.
But he’s not in the zoo anymore, is he, Simple Simon? He’s sauntering about Belfast without a care in the world.
Aye, keep up, Gerry.
What I’m saying is that it would be quite a lot of ground for him to cover.
They’re quick on their feet when they wanna be, love.
Someone might give him a lift.
Whose side are you on, Orla?
Come on, Mary. If you don’t let Erin go, then our mas won’t let us go.
Well, neither they should, and I’ll be ringing them to say as much.
Oh, brilliant!
I hate my life.
Look, girls, I know how much you were looking forward to seeing This and That.
Take That.
But there’ll be other concerts.
No there won’t. The fact that this one’s happening is a miracle. Nobody good ever comes here ‘cause we keep killing each other.
And now we’re overrun with polar bears.
Where will it end?
Seriously!
Well, I’m not letting that fat furry fuck ruin the biggest day of my life.
What can we do?
Right. Listen, girls. I’ve never told anyone this before, but sometimes, when Robbie’s being interviewed, it’s like he’s sending me messages through the TV, you know, like, telepathically or whatever. It’s like he’s saying we’re meant to be together.
Aye, maybe don’t tell that to anyone again, Michelle. Ever.
Look, this is too important. I’m going to that concert. I’m not afraid of a fucking polar bear.
Me neither!
Nor me.
Bastard!
I’ll kill it with my own two hands if I have to.
Bring it on!
Yes!
Okay. We seem to have gone down a weird road here, people. I think we just got a bit confused. We don’t actually have to fight a polar bear. And if we did, I wouldn’t really fancy our chances because, well, they’re massive.
But there’s five of us so…
The point is the polar bear’s not the one stopping us going to the concert. It’s our mothers, and we’ll never get them to change their minds.
We’re not gonna try and change their minds. We’re gonna do something else.
What?
Lie our holes off.
We need a better plan, Michelle.
This is a great plan.
We cannot walk to Belfast.
How far could it be? Have you ever seen Northern Ireland on a map? It’s fucking tiny.
I have to say, I’m not overly keen on us being out in the open like this, just because of the whole there’s-a-polar-bear-on-the-loose-that-could-maul-us-to-death thing.
It can try.
Is it just me, or is that gypsy an absolute ride?
Michelle, you cannot say that.
What?
They’re called travelers now. You can’t say “gypsy” anymore. It’s insulting.
Is it.
Yes, yes it is.
Really?
Who are they?
They’re just people, James. They’re just people exactly like us.
Except different.
Yes. No.
(gasps) That’s actually racist, Orla.
No, it’s not. They are different.
They’re not.
Well, they live in caravans, for a start.
I wish I lived in a caravan.
Aye, me too. Caravans are class.
Can everybody stop being so racist, please?
I’m a bit scared of them. Is that racist?
Yes.
Very much so.
Is gypsy even a race?
Traveler.
We totally suit.
Have you actually met them, Rita, Take That?
RRita
No, I can’t stand them, if I’m being honest, but their fans are so thick they’ll buy any old shite, present company included.
I think you mean “excluded.”
RRita
No, no I don’t.
I see.
RRita
Pop music isn’t really my thing, truth be told. It’s all so fucking soulless. Nah. I’m a classical head, all the way, but I’ve been banned from trading at Glyndebourne ever since I absolutely battered that Pavarotti fan, and when I say I battered, I mean intellectually like. I did kick the shit out of him as well. Pavo’s “La Boheme” is very muscular, but for purity of tone, you simply cannot fault Bocelli! I mean, listen to that, girls. Pass the can there.
The can of… oh, beer. I see.
Alcoholic beer.
RRita
(taking a sip of a beer) Oh, that’s fucking beautiful.
While driving. Okay. Fine. Good.
RRita
Mmm. What a fucking instrument. Glorious!
Any idea what the speed limit is around here?
Robie?
RRita
Close your eyes, girls, and soak it up.
Sure, of course, but maybe you could soak it up with your eyes open and, you know, on the road.
You’re such a wreck-the-buzz, Clare.
Look, Michelle, drugs are illegal, drugs are addictive, but perhaps most importantly, in this country, you can lose your kneecaps if you’re caught doing them, and I like my kneecaps, Michelle. They suit my knees.
You do have cracking kneecaps, Clare.
Is that true?
Sort of.
I just cannot believe it.
Listen, Mary. no matter what you’ve done, you’re still my sister. I’ll stand by you.
I haven’t done anything, Sarah.
Exactly, love. Everybody knows you didn’t mean to kill the old boot. God rest her soul.
I didn’t kill her.
You know what I mean. Not kill. Hex.
I didn’t hex her either, Da. It was just a very tragic--
My mother, she had the gift too, you know. By God, that woman could make her enemies drop like flies.
Look, I don’t have any gift. There’s no dark forces at play here. I just said something unfortunate that happened to--
Cause her death?
Coincide with her death.
Right, well, that’s the dishes done. Would you like another cup of tea there, Mammy?
No, I’m fine.
I’ll just grab the Hoover, give the stairs a bit of a going over.
And I’ll maybe do a bit of dusting.
What’s gotten into you two. What are you up to? What do you want?
Nothing. We just thought that we should pull over weight a bit more, Mammy.
You do so much for us, Aunt Mary.
You deserve a bit of a break.
I can’t hex people, girls. It was an accident.
So, how’s the wicked witch of the northwest?
Who put 50p in the eejit?
God, how am I going to go to this wake?
It’ll be grand, love. But, listen, say if things do get heated, try not to rise to it. The last thing we want is another dead body on our hands here.
I’ll do my best, Da.
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