Okay, I’m going in. (Deirdre Mallon knocks at the door) For the love of God, don’t come in here!
DMDeirdre Mallon
Everything all right, Mary?
Stay back, Deirdre. This is the death trap.
DMDeirdre Mallon
Listen, Mary, I hate to do this to you, but me and Martin are both working nights, and I’m nervous about leaving these two on their own, what with the day that’s in it. I don’t suppose there’s any chance you could take them with you?
Ach, away, Deirdre, it’s just--
DMDeirdre Mallon
The English thing? Listen, Mary, I understand. I mean, he’s my nephew, and even I find it hard to get past. If I’m totally honest, there’s times when I look at him and I feel… Well… it’s pure hatred. I’ll not dress it up.
No, no, it’s not the English thing.
DMDeirdre Mallon
I hope to God it’s not the gay thing you’re offended by.
DMDeirdre Mallon
Because I’d be disappointed in you, Mary. I’ll not lie.
Of course not. I mean, if anything, the gay thing sort of cancels out the English thing.
You wouldn’t move over there, James? I can’t see past your massive closet.
I’m just not sure we’ll have room in the caravan.
It’ll be grand. Us men can camp outside.
Run and ask Jim across the road for the lend of his tent.
DMDeirdre Mallon
Well, thanks a million, Mary. I owe you one. You know, if you want our Ryan to sort that gable wall of yours out, you’ve only to ask.
What’s wrong with our gable wall?
JJim
Now, once your tent is erect, you’ll want to think about where to safely store your food, because believe me, girls, you do not want to attract predatory animals into your sleeping area. Bears are particularly vicious.
Yeah, I’m not sure how many bears there are in Portnoo, though, Jim.
But there was a cheetah on the beach one time.
That was a greyhound, Orla.
I hope your father appreciates the fact that I was the one who got us out of that mess.
He won’t. Nobody back there actually believed you were a Japanese tourist, Gerry. They all thought you were a nutcase. They took pity on you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Dear God, no.
I can see your purse right there.
No, no, that’s my sterling purse. I’m talking about my punt purse. I can’t find my punt purse, Gerry. Blessed Saint Anthony, the grace of God has made you the patron saint of all things lost and stolen. I turn to you this day with childlike love and deep confidence--
Calm down, Gerry? We have no punts! We can’t go to the Free State without punts. We’re puntless. We haven’t a punt between us. Oh, God, I think… I think I’m having a panic attack. Oh, stupid punts.
Over this? So what happened back there was totally fine, but this is worth having a panic attack about?
There is more chance of me eloping with your father to a flip-flop shop in Hawaii--
Look, okay, fine! But that means we won’t be able to buy anything, which means we’ll have no food, which means we’ll all starve to death. So, you know, on your head be it, Gerry. Oh, actually, do you know what? I think I put it in the suitcase.
False alarm there, Saint Anthony. Sorry for troubling you.
Orla has got really into step aerobics. Her instructor says she’s a natural. Says she’s got what it takes to go all the way.
All the way in step aerobics?
But it’s out of control now, Mary. She’s stepping morning, noon and night. Apart from anything else, it’s dangerous. She nearly came through the ceiling yesterday. Okay, she might be gifted, but I just want her to have a normal childhood.
Er, look, I’m sorry. Do you absolutely need it?
CCiaran
I’m afraid I do, sir, yes. Proof of ID.
But you have my surname written on it there.
CCiaran
How do I know that’s your surname?
Because I just told you it was my surname.
CCiaran
You could be lying.
CCiaran
To get your hands on someone else’s photos.
Why would I want somebody else’s photos? Like, who would pay for somebody else’s photos?
CCiaran
Yeah, exactly. Very good, sir. A stalker.
CCiaran
Look, why don’t you just go home and have a wee look for your wee docket?
No. This is ridiculous. Just open that up and take out one of the photos. You see? That’s me wife there.
CCiaran
How do I know you’re not just telling me that?
Cos that’s me standing beside her.
CCiaran
I suppose you do look a bit like this man.
It’s definitely me. My name is Gerry Quinn. This is my father-in-law, Joe. He can vouch for me.
I’ve never seen this man before in my life.
I’ve just received a phone call from Louise Kerr’s mother, and it’s not looking great.
Oh, God, I just can’t believe it.
It’s unlikely she’ll be returning to school before the end of the year, so I think the only thing we can do now is --
No. What use would that do? No, I think the best thing we can do is decide who will fulfil the role of editor now.
Sister Michael, some of us have actually already discussed this eventuality, and the thing is, well, nobody is comfortable stepping into Louise’s shoes.
It feels a bit, sort of, disrespectful.
We think this issue should be cancelled.
Well, fair enough, if nobody is willing to take her place.
I’ll take her place. I’ll step into her shoes. I’ll do it.
No, you can’t. We are making a statement. You’re ruining our statement!
Look, girls, I know Louise meant a lot to you all.
Well, not yet. Hopefully she won’t, you know, die, but if she does, the show must go on! Isn’t that right, Sister Michael?
You’ve never even written an article, Erin.
That’s because I can’t get anything past Rupert Murdoch over there!
This isn’t fair. You can’t let it happen, Sister!
I know. But I’m bored now, so it looks like I probably will. Good luck, all.
Do you not think there’s an awful lot of lesbians about nowadays? You can’t move for lesbians. It’s wall to wall lesbians out there.
Oh, it’s true. Bridget Gallagher, she’s a lesbian.
Bridget Gallagher, who works in the post office?
Is she not a vegetarian, Da?
Sorry, you’re right. Vegetarian, Bridget is.
That summer was a remarkable one. It was the summer we dared to dream. For generations, we’d known nothing but violence. Nothing but hatred. But finally we were saying, “Enough is enough.” Finally, we were saying, “Let’s give peace a chance.”
She’s pretending she’s on Parkinson again.
(Off-screen) Parkinson? Does she know what time it is? I’ll Parkinson her. I’ve enough on my plate without Parkinson.
Close the door! (But Orla comes in and closes the door) No, Orla. Leave, then close the door.
And it was Wogan, for your information!
Will any of your crowd be going, love?
Or can you not get Protestant lesbians?
No, I think you can get them all right, it’s just…
I heard that k.d. lang on the radio yesterday. Christ, but she’s some set of pipes on her. You’re a very talented people.
We’re doing it for peace, all right, Mary. A piece of that fine Protestant ass!
God, you are such a hypocrite, Erin.
No, I’m not. I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with some cross-community… Fiddling…relations.
So, we need to head south-east for 0.5 Miles and you’ll receive further instructions shortly.
We haven’t even left the estate yet, Orla. These Prods have some serious moves up their sleeves, you know. They’re not as fucked up about sex as we are. They’ve put the work in, they know what they’re doing.
They’re people, Michelle! They’re not sex toys!
I’m really looking forward to making friends with some lads.
Lads aren’t going to make friends with you, James. Lads make friends with other lads.
Okay, how much money do we have?
Look, the riding of the Protestants is one thing, but I really don’t see why we have to buy them a present. I mean they already have all the land, all the jobs and all the fucking rights.
Aye, Michelle, that’s definitely the attitude we should have entering into this weekend.
A present for Protestants. Ah, now my next Protestant gift delivery isn’t due to arrive until Wednesday. And as it stands, I’m completely out of stock, what with there being such a high fucking demand for that sort of thing around these parts.
How much for the Subbuteo, Dennis?
How about we give you the £1.76 and we pay the rest off in installments?
Yeah. Which would be what? £3.56 over four weeks?
Jesus, check out Rain Wean.
Or, you could give us the Subbuteo, and then we could work off the debt.
Yeah, we could do chores and stuff.
Chores? What do you think this is? Little House on the fucking Prairie?
Do you watch Little House on the Prairie, Dennis?
