Curb Your Enthusiasm · Season 6
- Can I give you a little tip, huh? - Let's do it.
You're gonna go in. He'll be up here, okay? You're down here, right? He's on top.
- He's asking you the questions.
- Uh-huh.
Then all of a sudden the interview starts. He asks some questions, you answer some questions.
Then you start asking him the questions, and you flip it.
Now he's trying to impress you.
You mean the dizzle one, right?
What?
I'm not wearing no-fly underwear.
You gotta do it. You got long balls, Larry. Long balls, you've got long ass balls.
I've got long balls?
Doctor, you said he's got long balls, right?
Would you say I have unusually long..
They're a bit more distended than the average testicles.
You got long ass balls, Larry. "Long Ball Larry", that's your new name.
Long balls..who would've known.
Long balls, change your draws.
[Auntie Rae] went over the appropriate amount of time that I can have human contact without getting aroused. I only have five seconds. After that, it's out of my control.
Not me. I've got discipline down there. I have a very discerning penis—very discerning.
My penis is an animal.
Really? Just out of control. It's wild.
It's a feral tiger, yeah.
What did you say? What did you just say?! What did you just FIX YOUR MOUTH TO SAY?!
No, no...
You just used THE MOST VILE WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE! HOW DARE YOU?!
No, I was...
IN FRONT OF ME?! YOU ARE DESPICABLE! I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE LIKE YOU! YOU BALD SON OF A BITCH!!!! I HAVE TO FACE THIS KIND OF WRETCHED FOOLISHNESS!
[looks in a mirror and realizes he is bald] OH, MY GOD! NO!! NO!!!
[rushes in] What?!
OH, MY GOD!!!! LOOK AT ME!
What the hell happened to you?!
What happened?!
What happened, Nurse?!
Dr. Page accidentally shaved Mr. Green's head...
Shaved my head?!
Wait a minute. "Accidentally"?
He operated my head?
No, the procedure was cancelled. The operation is going to be... rescheduled.
So he didn't have the surgery?!
No.
Oh, you look horrible! Jeff!
[enters the room] Nurse, would you please excuse us? [the nurse leaves the room]
Doctor, what the hell happened?! Look at him!
What happened?! What happened?!
Mr. and Mrs. Green, I am so sorry. I was coming to see you in the operating room, and I had just been victimized by a terrible incident in the cafeteria. And so I came to the operating room, and I was so angered, and I was upset, and I was confused, and I mistakenly shaved your head, for which I'm so sorry.
A mistake is correct! You took it out on his head?!
Well, I can explain. I'm leaving the cafeteria, and I'm walking past a table, and this horrible man uses the most vile word in the English language to refer to a black person, and I went into a blind rage, and I left there, and I went to the operating room, and made this terrible mistake, for which I'm so sorry.
Do you know who this man was?
I have no idea who he was. He was just a despicable bald man.
Bald?
Yes.
Did he, by any chance, wear glasses?
Yes... As a matter of fact, he was wearing glasses. And it was awful. It was just absolutely awful.
[just snubbed due to his baldness] This blows. How do you deal with it?
Well, you know, you just get used to it. I get support from my bald brothers.
There's, like, meetings?
[Larry is annoyed, having sponsored Marty Funkhouser to take part in a walk to raise money for Alzheimer's, to find him instead sitting in a cafe]
What are you doing? You're supposed to be walking.
I raise money; I don't walk.
You didn't tell me you were sitting, I wouldn't have given you money in the first place.
I didn't say I was walking.
Well, the walking is implied, is it not?
Don't you care about Alzheimer's?
Hey, Larry, do you still have that tickling in your anus? I cannot get you an appointment for two weeks.
What?
Are you experiencing discomfort?
What is she talking about? [to secretary] What are you talking about? Where'd you get that from?
It's nothing to joke around about. Who are you trying to make an appointment with?
Rosenberg.
Rosenberg's a good man. I got a better one. Pencil. Call this man: Doctor J. Whitney. My wife's cousin, Kai, she runs the office.
Oh, she does?
She can open all the doors, not just the back one. You know what I mean? Seriously, she can get you in today and you don't have to think about it again. Why not?
That's nice of you but there's really nothing wrong with me. I mean-why not-"I have a tickling in my anus". I don't have a tickle--[to secretary] Are you fucking crazy?! Huh?! Tickle in my anus? Where did that-why'd you say that!? I don't have a tickle! Who said that?!
I gotta go, I gotta go.
Look, I think I gave you the wrong impression. Larry's anus is fine-
Shut the fuck up, okay?! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
[to Susie] Who the fuck you think you talkin' to?! Nobody be talkin' to my man like that! You betta get yo ass out of this house! Fucken Bitch!
Mofy Dick, that's what he is.
- Moby Dick.
- No, Moqy Dick.
- No, it's called Moby Dick.
"Moby Dick" is you know the book by Melville.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Curb Your Enthusiasm pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
